I'm caring for my elderly neighbor until her son gets here in December.
It started with small things, but she fell and now I'm taking her to doctor's appointments and picking up groceries at the store. I really don't
know her but she has gotten attached to me. She keeps telling me that
she will still need my help after her son arrives because he has to work.
I've hinted to her that caretaking really is not my thing, that I'm only doing it because she needs me. I had planned on assisting her until her son got here, but somethings telling me to exit now.
That's hard to do when she's hopping around the house because she can't walk. She doesn't have the money to hire help, so she gives me what she can. And she is grateful.
I think you need to have a sit down with her, now.
" I am happy to help you set up grocery delivery. I can take you to a doctor appointment once a month. Other than that, I can't offer more help. Here is the number for the Council on Agjng. Let's call them and have them come out and see what help they can offer".
What if you get into an accident when driving her to the doctor?
What if she falls while under your 'care'?
What if she breaks her back during one of these falls and sonny boy blames YOU for the whole situation?
See where I'm going with all of this?
Her having 'no money' in no way obligates YOU to be her caregiver. If she owns a home, she has money. If she gets SSI, she has money.
She needs to call her SON on the phone right away & let him know she's hopping around b/c she can't walk and she needs HIS help NOW. That you're no longer available as her personal caregiver and that's that. This has so many red flags all over it that it's not even funny.
Please go with your gut on this one. Call APS and report a vulnerable senior if you feel that to be the case and/or if she tells you her son won't come sooner. That's the best thing you can do for her, in reality.
Wishing you the best of luck stepping back from this situation. A kind heart doesn't always pay off.
Best nip it in the bud sooner rather than later unless you want to do this the rest of her life. There are plenty arrangements that can be made for her to get any help she needs that do not involve you.
https://www.cpaaa.org/services/seniors
Get in touch with these people, outline the situation, and then firmly but kindly hand your neighbour over to them. Build your boundaries now.
I am glad you have made a new friend. I am glad you have been there for her during these first stages of her increasing dependency. I hope that the two of you will grow in friendship, until and after her son arrives (which is another topic, but definitely not your problem).
But it is inappropriate - in spades! - for her to see you, an unqualified, unrelated person with no particular aptitude for the caregiver role, as her support plan for older age. Nip it in the bud. If you do that by signposting her to *much better* alternatives, you can put a stop to her wilder ideas without hurting or offending her or risking further problems ahead.
You are doing such a fine job... Either The Son turns up, is ever grateful, takes over as you morph back into neighbour or friend.
Or
You are doing such a fine job... He doesn't need to rush. Wait, did you say December??? Or come at all. 🚩🚩🚩
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!
If her son hasn't figured out something already for his mother, then he's not in any rush and, as others have said, may be in no rush to even get there by December.
You can see how mission creep has already happened. It's only going to get worse.
I like the idea to offer to take her to one doctor visit/month and help her to arrange for grocery delivery. And guard those boundaries carefully, as it seems she will want to push them so that you are doing more.
How old is she? Is she able to use the computer to research things, order grocery delivery, etc?
It would be great if you could talk to the son.
Does she have a computer? Can you set-up automatic grocery delivery for her? What about prescription delivery? You live in a major city - Wichita - and I googled "senior citizen transportation Wichita" and found Hire Senior Transportation in Wichita on the care.com website. It says the average hourly rate for drivers is $14.50.
You need to start stepping away and establishing healthy boundaries with your neighbor. Her needs are only going to increase. Her son may never show up and she's expecting your help even after he arrives, if he ever does.
Learn to say something like: "My schedule is changing in August and I will not be available to help you as much I have been. I want to help you set up grocery delivery and senior citizen transportation. I've taken the time to get information about these services for you." Then hand her a list with names of services and telephone numbers.
Sometimes, needy people get pushy. Remember that you do not need to explain yourself to her or give her any information about your personal life. Just be firm that she needs to avail herself of these services. A month is plenty of time to transition her.
I think you could turn this situation into something positive and long term though, by building up her confidence and letting her know that you can offer advice, but not physical assistance on a regular basis. She very well could feel alone, and desperate (I've experienced that), so moral support will help her adapt to a new dimension in her life. Consider your role one of transition if that helps.
Is there a good senior center in your area? If so, contact them and find out what they offer. The one in my father's area is outstanding. There are 2 small buses available for regular grocery trips. The charges are typically nominal, something like $2 or $3 per trip. If I recall correctly, they still provide transportation for medical appointments as well.
Small buses in my experience are equipped with wheelchair lifts, and drivers are trained to assist those who need to bring their wheelchairs.
Anyone who's "hopping" b/c she can't walk needs something like a rollator, which to me is safer than a walker. The next time you take her to a doctor, raise this issue, either in person or by writing a note to the doctor and ensuring that when she checks in, the receptionist is given the note for the doctor.
I can't recall if we got a rollator with a script, or whether it was out of pocket.
Hopping is dangerous, so I'm thinking that she could also benefit from handholds (grab bars) throughout the house. This would involve installation, by a carpenter. This is when you can reach out to see what governmental support might be available.
After reading others' comments on the son, I wonder if he really is coming, or if she believes he is but he's not. She mentioned he'll be working; is he transferring b/c of job obligations, or to help her, although apparently she's not anticipating that much support from him. However, I think it's easier and more emotionally comfortable for a woman to rely on another woman as opposed to a man, especially if it's not her husband.
I agree that this situation needs to be addressed, and very delicately, as you don't want her to feel abandoned, alone and desperate. I've been there; it's not a destination I'd choose willingly.
I'd also contact the county to see what's available; they often have broader options than the AAA. In my area, that's the situation, as the AAA has terminated its support of caregiver expos, and is focusing more on their stay at home programs, for which they offer their own services as opposed to contractors.
Other options:
State:
https://www.kdads.ks.gov/
https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)
(Is she getting Medicaid?)
https://kdads.ks.gov/commissions/home-community-based-services-(hcbs)/programs/frail-elderly
Sedgwick County:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/
Available services:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/available-services/
Supplemental food service:
https://umopendoor.org/food/commodity-supplemental-food-program/
Transportation:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/transportation/
(In my area small bus services are quite reasonable: If I remember correctly, in 2019 they were $2.50 per trip).
Senior centers in your area:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/senior-centers/
Senior support through the Volunteer Program:
https://www.sedgwickcounty.org/aging/rsvp-volunteer-program/
If she's a Veteran or Veteran's spouse, there may be other options for her as well.
I think you're wise to plan an exit, but do it in a way that leaves both of you feel satisfied and comfortable with your exit role.
If you don't get any feedback from him about getting her some help, then you might have to be a little more direct. I don't mind helping from time to time, but I can't be the fulltime help for her. Can we talk about a plan? No harm in offering to get groceries when you go to get yours - that could be a huge help and you're already there. And you don't mind being on speed dial in the event she has an urgent issue, but she needs a little more help than you can give for the nex 6 mos. And continue to visit with her. Observation is good in case health declines even more
Since he (and his employment income) will be joining the house in December, there's no reason some of the money can't be used to pay for some help. Sometimes older people simply live so frugally and the mindset is 'I can't afford' this or that.
Or the mindset is they don't want to pay for anything and think that it's supposed to be free for them.
Caregiving services are free for this woman because her neighbor's been doing it so far.