Our mom(90) has dementia. Our dad(85) is the primary caretaker. Our mom is strong and has always made the calls in the family. Our dad continues to let her make the calls. She has meds to help with her anger but she won't take them and he won't slip them in her meals or push the envelope to encourage her to take them. She doesn't want a caretaker, except for me and my sister who help when we can but work full time, so he won't hire one. He complains about how he's getting an ulcer and it's so horrible but he won't do anything to help. We've come up with solutions that he ignores. Help! We feel guilty and so sorry for him yet discouraged and frustrated since he won't do anything to help us help him and them!
You didn't cause this and you can't fix it so guilt is off the table.
The word you want is GRIEF at the helplessness you feel in witnessing poor choices in the aging process.
You need a good sit down talk and need honestly, looking dad right in the eyes, telling him that this cannot go on for his health and safety and Mom's as well, and that you will not continue to enable this behavior.
You will not change your father.
Eventually push will come to shove and there will be the call of some disaster or other with one of your parents down and in need to transit to hospital.
Call in social workers at once when this happens.
Meanwhile there is little you can do other than what you ARE doing, and it will become increasingly more difficult.
I wanted to acknowledge use of fried in place of guilt. When I read what you wrote I almost jumped out of my seat to go share that with my family. YES!! That’s exactly the feeling. You put it into words so simply and clearly. We have had a very similar struggle the last 2 years. It’s so hard to let them fail, we knew a train wreck was coming but they just wouldn’t open their eyes and face the changing life phases. It made decisions, support, any help very hard for us to wrangle through. But the emergencies were consuming. I just don’t know why aging people aren’t looking forward and planning. Best of luck to us all. Thanks Alvadeer for your precise description. (And all your other contributions here too!)
Good luck to you.
I think that you are doing all that you can right now.
Sure hope that someone aside from him has the DPOA so some sound decisions can be made when the time comes, which will be in the near future. There is no getting away from it.
Keep posting it will help.
Sadly, it’s a waiting game for now.
Sooner or later an emergency will occur and your mom or dad will be taken to the hospital. Then hopefully you can intervene.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Perhaps you lay it on the line to your Dad that things will be getting worse (it’s inevitable), and you have more than reached your limits of caring. He needs to talk to you and Dad about what happens next. It ISN’T that you will do more. So what is it? If it isn’t you doing more – so what happens? And how can Dad and you make it happen? Tell him that for many ‘strongwilled people’ they have to experience ‘help’ being cut off – and is that what he wants?
Dad needs to look ahead, as do you and your mother. The alternatives really do need to be spelled out in considerable detail, before they are believable.
Thoughts based on values eg
*he alone must provide all the care* or
*only family can help*.
Be direct. Ask him. Discuss his views.
Sometimes strong marital or family values can become inflexible barriers to adding more care. That's what it is btw, not REPLACING him or family care but ADDING MORE care. Adding additional services, aides, staff.
I am not sure if my story will help but here goes.
I had a very controlling (but well meaning) Dad. As soon as my Dad learned that I had POA and Health care Proxy for Mom he backed off. I was then able to accomplish a lot for Mom.
These documents are very important if and when you need to get additional help for a sick aging parent who cannot express their needs due to some form of dementia. Mom had some short-term memory issues, and lung and heart problems.
Because I was able to arrange for the best Doctors in the Boston area to diagnose and treat her. We had an extra 7 years with her. She passed at age 93.
If I did not have the legal control, dad and my brother would have had her placed in a nursing home very early on and would have removed her from the incredible Doctors who were able to keep her alive and enjoying life with her children and grandchildren.
This is difficult time for you, and I wish you the very best and hope you can obtain legal guidance.
I don't know if your Dad would allow this, but my Dad was so worn out he went along with it. He's also very BIG on listening to 'authority figures' and not his daughters.
It resulted in full time care, which drove him mad - so he agreed to move with her into AL. Tough time for sure. Hang in there.
One of the WORST things you could do to someone with dementia is give them anti-anxiety medications or sleeping pills. Not only does it make the Dementia WORSE!. You will notice they are more likely to fall.
Also, you may want to check into programs that allow family to be paid caregivers. Especially if they are on something like Medicaid which will help pick up the cost. She can pick who she wants for her caregiver and they will provide the funds for her care at least part of the time. That might help you and your sister out financially. Your father can also be considered one of her caretakers. In the future if she declines further, then you could look into additional help as needed. We have a program here called IRIS that helps with these matters.
What part of the fact that these daughters work fulltime did you not understand? They are not looking to be paid caregivers. They want the parents to allow paid professionals to come into the home.
A very wise social worker from our County Area of Aging told me “ stop helping , you have to let them fail , to make them accept help “.
It became so bad he placed her in respite for a week and while there, he died. She is still alive, bed bound with dementia living in a NH.
Your Dad needs to get help, regardless of what your mother says she needs. It is hard but the alternatives could be worse.
Get help in home and, start with the professionals above .
You may also benefit from speaking with an Elder Law Attorney to get further direction, input on the circuitous route of caring for aging.
If all else fails, you can always make an annonynous phone call ( or identify self if you wish) to APS
( Adult Protective Services) and report the situation in the parents home and let APS take it from there.
If your parents are cognitively able to understand you and sisters, you may want to share with them what potentially could happen if APS is ever called. This may help mother and father agree to being compliant with other options to provide necessary care in the home.
Practice self care!