Follow
Share

My husband is 84 and suffers from dementia. I am 74. We have had a beautiful 38 year marriage. we have sailed and traveled many long distance adventures. His condition has been gradual for the past 9 years, but now he can't be left alone. I am using some companion services a few hours a week, but it is very expensive and confusing to him. I do not have a good relationship with his 2 children, and have to almost beg them to give me an occasional break. I am still healthy and adventurous .I feel so TRAPPED and so lonely.

You live and plan as though both of you are childless, just like many others who are truly childless must. Get your legal ducks in a row and then place your DH in a memory care facility, there you can be his wife and advocate instead of his caregiver.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to cwillie
Report

You search resource that can help.
Does the Senior Service Center near you have any programs that might help?
Is your husband a Veteran? If so the VA may have programs that will help (and you may be able to get paid to be his caregiver, that would allow you to hire other caregivers on occasion.
Are there Adult Day Programs near you? If so getting him involved in that will give you a break a few times a week.
I can't imagine not having an at least cordial relationship with his kids if you have been together 38 years. That is rather sad on all accounts.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

You might as well forget about his kids. I have found, at 75, we tend to expect people to be a certain way and when they aren't we get upset. It is so much better not to expect, actually makes life easier to deal with. Stop begging. A good child would ask, what can I do. I had my Mom in daycare 3x a week. Monday/Wed/Friday. They picked her up at 8 and dropped her off at 3pm. It was so nice getting a shower and not have to worry about her. Run errands and not have to worry about her. They gave her PT and bathed her for me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

Unfortunately, you can’t make people give care. You can maybe keep trying as you have been to get breaks, but you are either going to have to hire people to help you or you will need to start looking for a nice facility. His condition is only going to continue to deteriorate, so you may as well start looking now as you will probably need to face this eventually.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to southernwave
Report

I am afraid that you cannot change others.
It appears that, for WHATEVER reason, his children do not wish to have anything to do with him or with you. That isn't something that will change, isn't something you can do anything about.
That means that, yes, you are alone as if they never existed.
I would write them that you are now having to consider placement of your dear hubby in care, that he is no longer safe at home alone and you are overwhelmed and cannot do this anymore. Ask if they wish to have a "family meeting" about this before you begin to explore the options.
They may, if the wish to protect any inheritance they figure may come to them, step in to help a bit. You will have to decide if it's enough. If not you should see an elder law attorney about division of assets and ways to protect your own money as your husband goes into the care he deserves.
You have had a good marriage, but this is no longer the man that you married. Sadly, you have limitation in what you CAN do.

So give them that chance to lend a hand or to take on care; if that doesn't work you need to begin to think about placement or hire in help. Because yes, this is now where you are at, whether anyone likes it or not.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter