I try to be there for my 78 year old uncle who helped raise me after my father passed away. Unfortunately, EVERY single interaction ends badly, to the extent that it ruins most of my day. For example, a simple thing like me telling me about getting a major promotion, that only required a "congrats" somehow turned into how horrible his life is (compared to most peers, he's doing reasonably well health wise, is financially secure, and has access to many friends and family who're always willing to help).
Today, I received a message from his that he received my birthday package. I put a lot of thought into putting it together, but his quick "thanks" was followed by 2 paragraphs of complaints that he had to pay a few bucks for customs (he lives in a different country and I did apologize for the tiny upcoming customs fee when I informed him that I sent the gifts).
It's as no matter what I try, there is nothing I can do right. What to do? I don't want to isolate too much because I'm appreciative of him having played a father role in my life, but the toxicity is constantly there.
Perhaps this is just a venting post and not so much seeking for advice. Argh.
What are you trying so hard to please him? He likely never will be pleased. It is a waste of your energy.
I want to suggest therapy to work on your own habitual ways of interacting with this gentleman. You cannot change others. But you can change yourSELF. And when you do you will be so proud of yourself that you won't need HIS approval, and you can give your clearly loving energy to those for whom it will make a wonderful difference in their own and your life.
My best to you.
Flowers? Not enough baby's breath, ok, so I stop sending her any.
Lobster? Too big, ok so I stop sending her one.
Cuisinart? Too small, ok I'll return it and get my money back.
You get the drift, the end of the story is that I stopped buying her anything, just gave her a card.
Don't do that anymore either, as I no longer talk to her, I am done.
You cannot make him happy, give it up, if need be get some therapy.
Good Luck!
You can also screen his calls. Let them go to voicemail and if he leaves complaining, downer messages just delete them.
Only take a call from him once a week or once a month.
How about backing off a bit? Send him a nice card and/or money instead of a birthday package? When people get like that, sometimes you have to think of other ways to interact with them. There are ways to let him know you appreciate him besides putting together wonderful packages and hoping he'll be nice. He won't, so don't. Yes, I would love to get such a thoughtfully planned gift. I'd never complain. Neither would most other people, I think. He's different, so you be different.
Good luck.
Just because somebody is a relative doesn't mean they have to be in your life.
But on that note we should NEVER give anyone that kind of power over us to control our moods. You have a choice in the matter and for some reason you're choosing to let him have the power to ruin yours.
That might be a good discussion for you and your therapist to have to explore the reasons why you do that.