I know this is not specific to elderly care but I feel it is one of the challenges. I turn 50 today and leading up to it I have mentioned that we could celebrate with a cake at the weekend. I have never much bothered with celebrating my birthday and my mother no longer cooks family meals. I am the last of my siblings to turn 50 and for each one a family meal has been planned with the menu/date/time chosen by the person whose birthday it was. My mother phoned me this morning to tell me that all of my family (siblings, partners, nephews) are coming to her house tonight for a meal and I am the last one to be invited. She said she is doing roast lamb.I am livid because I don't want to celebrate it tonight. I have to get up at 5am tomorrow for work and I don't like roast lamb. If I don't turn up she will call me rotten to all of my siblings.
You can still go, but bring an entree of your own liking (splurge on something very yummy that you normally wouldn't buy). If anyone gives you grief about this, explain that you hate roast lamb and don't wish to eat it on your birthday. Then have your piece of cake and open gifts as soon as you are done and then leave early explaining that you have to be up at 5am. Thank everyone with a big smile for making the effort to attend and celebrating with you. This way you don't look like a petty chooch.
Happy birthday.
Or don't go - message your siblings and let them know mom didn't let YOU know about your own birthday dinner until hours before you were expected to be there - and that you have to get up at 5am tomorrow so you won't be able to join - then tell mom that given the short notice you can't attend.
Tell your SIBLINGS first so they know what's what. Then tell mom after you have clarified to your siblings.
Either way - an invitation is not a summons - you don't have to go.
How would I handle this? I didn't handle something very similar well.
I really hate cake, told mom at every birthday for anyone, i hear, eat some cake!! Over and over again. Untill I finally did.
Birthdays, turned into dreaded day, of ugh , I have to eat cake day is coming . Instead of ugh I'm getting old .
Honestly I never really solved the issue, just increased my hatred for cake, and mom got to old to make it.
I might send a blow up doll to sit in my place. But I wouldn't be at dinner.
Except you are the one they are trying to give care to? I think?
But it's a fun question for a break from the foxholes, so here goes.
As this is a hard and fast family tradition you often don't attend, don't like (and that's unlikely to be a secret) I am kind of wondering why you ignore anything about it until TODAY?
I don't understand at all. Do fill me in!
I myself would just have said casually last week or the week before:
"Gee, Mom, as we both know I turn 50, and am the last to do so, next week. I'm having having cake for all at the weekend. I couldn't come if you MADE a big to-do; job requires me up before dawn day after the birthday. You know I hate all that anyway, but just to be sure you know. Love you lots."
At this point all I can say is "Sorry Mom. Too late. I have plans. And have to be up at crack of dawn for the job. I will see you at the weekend. I don't eat lamb or veal, anyway hon. Y'all have fun!".
Will anyone be surprised at that response? Nah.
If so, do you care? Nah.
And isn't it fine they can all eat leg-o-lamb together on your BD? YUKE!
Good luck at the job.
This has been a giggle, and I love a break from the overall trials of caregiver talk, so I thank you. Milestone birthday. I LOVED my 50s and 60s. 70s were OK. 80s? A drag so far!
I guess you will need to suck it up.😊 Hopefully, Mom will have enough of other things you can eat. Just put a little piece of lamb on your plate for looks. Just smile and tell Mom thank you. Tell family Sorry I have to eat and run, I have to be up at 5am. You may be surprised that everyone else wants to get home too.
I would make it known to your siblings next year that if Mom is planning anything, all you want is cake and on a weekend. They are to discourage Mom from having a dinner during the week because of your schedule. Better still they can tell Mom no dinner at all. And make everyone realize...you don't like lamb.
Don't you hate it when you tell people you don't want something and they do it anyway.