Mother is in rehab and refusing to be compliant. She must go in long-term care, but all the facilities are turning her down because of behavior. She has never gotten physical, but refuses to take her medicine and has become rude, loud, foul-mouthed, and impossible to please. I’m fearful she will end up someplace horrible.
There is then the Medication cocktail business to try to bring happiness, control, or BOTH in.
But yes, finally there can be the "someplace horrible". Without 24/7 care, and who can do that, that can happen.
I am so sorry. To the extent she has any ability at all to have any control over these things, I would explain this. Otherwise ask doc to put her on a mild anti depressant. That can sometimes help. Of course it can sometimes make things worse as well. Again, I am so sorry.
If she has a brain injury they will speak with the legal next of kin to decide a path of treatment.
I am so sorry for all of you, being in the crisis, decisions with a noncompliant person is a trial for certain. May The Lord give you all guidance, strength and wisdom.
your mom’s behaviour is standard dementia and isn’t anything I didn’t see daily in regular LTC homes in Canada , so the fact they aren’t willing to deal with this for me would be a red flag and you wouldn’t want her there even if it seems like a nice place on the outside .
here is what helped us, hope it helps you :
the Alzheimer’s society offers videos and classes online on how to approach love ones with techniques in a gentle manner that diffuse behaviours . Learn how to approach your mom and what specifically works for her in diffusing her , so you can show homes which techniques work . In my dad’s case we would have to give him a treat that he liked after he was willing to take meds like pudding or ice-cream. This wasn’t needed for years , but for sometime until he became compliant and eventually became agreeable on his own.
2) it’s ok to have to re approach at a different time if she doesn’t want it at that exact moment . It means staff would have to come back and try later . If a home is not willing to do this , it’s a red flag for me . I would worry this unwillingness to reapproval would be taken for bathing , dressing and eating . It’s her new home , not a jail where she should have to do Everything on their time frame . Of course with meds there is a window when they need to be taken but sometimes even re approaching 20-30 mins later is enough to make it happen.
When you try to re approach , try approaching from a different physical side ( I know it sounds strange but can often work ) . So if you approached from her right side , try the left next time . This was passed to us from the hospital and is a known technique .
For my dad verbal approach was everything . It was the difference between him being someone pleasant or combative . He still wanted to be treated with dignity and wanted to be asked or told what was going to happen before it happened . So often staff would come in and just start working on him without having said why or what was happening . Spoon in the mouth while telling him it’s meds and no chance to react but startled and extremely. What helped was stating the purpose before they did it . For example , I am here to help you change your shirt . Is that ok for you right now? Then he would answer yes or not right now . If we needed to revisit we would and tell him why it was a good idea or why we were doing it . This almost always got him to understand and rewards after were sometimes needed to create routines . I know this sounds like a lot of work and it was. But over time he became more and more agreeable and less effort was actually needed .
Can you or can you hire a bit of private care for a bit to help in her current setting to help her adjust . If you can figure out what her triggers are and give her the approach she needs to be more agreeable , it may open your options up . At first we had to spend A lot of time with my dad figuring this out ours selves and it also meant hiring a bit of help to help keep him calm by ensuring approach was consistent till it calmed him down and he was then deemed ok to go to a regular home .
But overall I would be searching for homes that don’t think her behaviour is a big deal . What your describing is basic 101 dementia and shouldn’t be a problem for homes who use behavioural techniques to help settle her , otherwise their tattics may end up being using drugs to drug her out so she isn’t a problem and I assure you , you don’t want that .
I know this feels overwhelming and a mountain to climb but I want you to know with work and research it’s amazing what you can change for her .
wishing you both peaceful roads ahead .
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