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I can no longer take care of my husband at home and he has been approved for admission to a veterans facility. I don't know at what point to tell him that I am moving him to that facility. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
If his ALZ and memory impairment is advanced enough, you can tell him a "therapeutic fib" on moving day: that he's going to stay someplace for a medical reason (could be your medical reason) or that the house needs repairs and he has to move out for a while. You can talk to the VA staff in advance to loop them in on this strategy.
Is he on any meds for anxiety or agitation? If you think this will be an issue, I would talk to his primary doctor about this before the move.
May you receive peace in your heart that you are doing your best in a difficult situation. You're both gonna be ok!
Geaton777 your answers are very helpful. I will call the doctor and ask if I should go ahead and give him his anti-anxiety meds earlier than usual on move-in day. You are right we will both eventually be okay. I just have to give myself time and accept that their will be more grieving time ahead. I'm leaning on God to give me peace daily about this decision. We will get through it. Thanks for being part of my new support circle.
I think the other answers have provided good options, and that choosing the most useful approach depends on his level of awareness as well as personality and behavioral traits.
May I suggest that you reframe "I can no longer take care of my husband at home" to "I am taking care of my husband by getting him the care he needs"? It's not a failure of yours or his to move to a memory care facility -- it's the safest and ideally the best place for him to live optimally at this stage of life.
Which is not to suggest that he'll agree and respond positively, but just a wish for you to remember that the move isn't a reflection on you, it's a switch to enhanced and appropriate care for him.
I hope all goes as well and peacefully as it can for you both during the move. ((another hug))
I told my husband that he was going to rehab…. when he can walk up 14 steps to our bedroom and get in and out of our shower he will be able to go home. This is true. It wont happen but it is true. I feel very comfortable with my decision.
I had to put my wonderful husband into Skilled Nursing last April. He has Frontal Temporal Dementia. I agonized over whether I should tell him. I did tell him he was accepted into this wonderful retirement village and he didn’t seem to understand me. I figured if I tell him we’re packing for him to live there it would trigger horrible thoughts so I didn’t. The morning of the move I took the suitcase to the car and was numb. I felt like a real s*#t head and started sobbing. I felt like I was deceiving him. Well, I got him ready and said we’re going over to the place and he said nothing. He also has PPA (aphasia) so he can’t communicate anymore. It’s less than 10 minutes away. We went inside and greeted by his (team) and I hung his clothing up and burst into tears in the closet. The chaplain was there and he took me into the hallway. He said, “you are doing the right thing- it will take a village to do what you’ve been doing all alone for years. You need to be a wife now and not a caregiver. Visit him and have lunch with him and go home.” And that’s what I do every day. I cried every night for months. The loneliness was overwhelming. He’s gone mentally anyway, but, I guess I couldn’t bear to separate at 47 years of marriage. In 10 months his brain has deteriorated so badly that he doesn’t know me or our sons anymore. Things are going fast - this is completely different than Alzheimer’s or other dementias. ‘I talked to other families there and if their loved one does NOT have dementia they tell them. But, anyone with dementia is placed and there is no discussion. I know some can get violent, really combative, etc. That would be horrible to get them in the car. So, if you have any doubt that your husband could get that way make sure the facility knows and can greet you upon arrival. It’s so, so hard. And heartbreaking more than anything. Good luck to you and hope you can find some peace in your decision.
I am facing that situation with my wife right now. When, when, when can I get the mental strength to let her go? My children tell me it's time, but those short moments of her being lucid and showing her love for me are those where I second guess everything and can't let go. I just don't know how or the strength to take that first step.
Now. You tell him now. You know all the reasons you have to do this. Be honest. Let him know you grieve this with him, and that it hurts you, and that you know he may not understand and it may hurt him, but that not everything in life can be fixed and not everything has a good answer. Let him know you will be there with loving visits but that you cannot go on with caring in the home. I believe, as an RN, that honesty, even when they cannot and will not understand is the best way to handle things.
You will need to be ready to hear hard things that may be TRUE to a certain extent, that he wishes he was dead, that he feels unloved, and etc. He may cry, plead or beg and feel free to cry with him. Is this not worth mourning? If this isn't worth mourning then what is? I am so very sorry.
Thank you Alva Deer. I am trying to prepare myself to be strong when he tells me how mean I am and how I don't love him. I've already had to listen to him tell me for the last 10 or 12 days he wants to die and wants me to kill him. That is so hard to hear after nearly 41 years of marriage. Thanks for giving me some ideas about how to say it. You are right this absolutely is worth mourning. I appreciate your concern.
You don't because his brain is broken. He can't process the information. He will get agitated. He will forget why he's agitated. Nothing will calm him down. You will get upset. What's the point?
Let the staff at the memory care ease him through the transition. They deal with this all the time. And the fact that he will be around other veterans is going to be good for him. And you can go back to being his wife and advocate rather than his caregiver. When you visit, bring him his favorite treats.
Totally 💯 % correct! I just asked the staff psychiatrist that evaluates the patients once a month and he said you never tell a person whose “brain is broken” that they’re going to be undergoing a major life move in the near future! They can’t process it. You aren’t tricking them, either. My husband and I discussed his being accepted into his facility 2 months in advance and he still didn’t remember nor did he “get it”.
I had my daddy in a facility and kept telling him that it was a hospital as soon as he got better and the doctor released him he could come home. He did his therapy until he couldn't. He did come home because I knew that is where he wanted to be when he crossed the river. Also, because it was during the height of covid - at his house his kids, grands, friends, anyone could visit him or be with him anytime of the day. He didn't know and I never told him about having ALZ. My friend moved his mother to a memory care by taking her on a day trip and had hired movers to duplicate her suite to replicate her home as best they could. At the end of the day he just drove her to the facility and acted as if it were her home. She didn't know any better and it was easy for her to adapt. Blessings to you and your family as you go through this. Know that I have said a prayer for you and your family! ((hugs))
I like both of these suggestions Ohwow. Everyone on this site is so helpful and caring. I have some really good ideas to draw from now thanks to this community. Thank you much for sharing these experiences with me. It will help. Thank you even more for the hugs. We sat with my 90 year old Mom at the hospital today. She has Dementia and had a mild heart attack yesterday. Seeing the 2 of them (husband and Mom) try to talk to each other, it was all I could do not to just break down and weep in front of them. I had to walk out of the room a couple of times. I need all the hugs I can get. ❤️ 💙 💜
I would not tell him now. He will either get upset for no reason or forget what you said. I told my Mom the day I took her to the AL. TG her room was on a bottom level and had a door to the outside. I had her upstairs with me while they moved her furniture out and into the AL. On the way there she asked where we were going. Told her to her new apartment where she will meet new people. Took her in, showed her the room, visited for a little while and then left letting the staff take over.
I would talk to someone at the VA home and ask how they will be handling things once he gets there. This is a man, not a little woman. Do they have any questions? Do have a family member go with you.
JoAnn 29 I so appreciate your advice. I like how you did it. My son will drive us to the facility and my daughter will meet us there. I'm going to go by myself the day before and arrange things and make sure I've not forgotten to give them information they need about him. My 90 year old mother had Dementia and although she doesn't live with us I am her primary caregiver. She had a mild heart attack yesterday which I learned about minutes after I got the call telling me the facility can admit him next week. I could not sleep at all after we left the hospital last night. I am so exhausted it's all I can do to hold back the tears in front of him right now. I think if he starts realizing I'm upset I'll just tell him for now that I'm worried about Mom because I am, but after nearly 41 years of marriage it is going to be hard not to cry through the next few days even though I'm ready to let him go to the home so I can stop being care-giver and start visiting him as his wife.
These are such good suggestions. I am struggling with when we will have to make the move with my sister who is 58 and has Alzheimers. So hard to figure out what stage she is in, but since she has had it about 4 years and has a decent amount of memory impairment she will no longer be able to live independently soon. I do not know how we will get her to make the move, but I will try some of the ideas on this post. Thanks!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Is he on any meds for anxiety or agitation? If you think this will be an issue, I would talk to his primary doctor about this before the move.
May you receive peace in your heart that you are doing your best in a difficult situation. You're both gonna be ok!
May I suggest that you reframe "I can no longer take care of my husband at home" to "I am taking care of my husband by getting him the care he needs"? It's not a failure of yours or his to move to a memory care facility -- it's the safest and ideally the best place for him to live optimally at this stage of life.
Which is not to suggest that he'll agree and respond positively, but just a wish for you to remember that the move isn't a reflection on you, it's a switch to enhanced and appropriate care for him.
I hope all goes as well and peacefully as it can for you both during the move. ((another hug))
The morning of the move I took the suitcase to the car and was numb. I felt like a real s*#t head and started sobbing. I felt like I was deceiving him. Well, I got him ready and said we’re going over to the place and he said nothing. He also has PPA (aphasia) so he can’t communicate anymore. It’s less than 10 minutes away. We went inside and greeted by his (team) and I hung his clothing up and burst into tears in the closet. The chaplain was there and he took me into the hallway. He said, “you are doing the right thing- it will take a village to do what you’ve been doing all alone for years. You need to be a wife now and not a caregiver. Visit him and have lunch with him and go home.” And that’s what I do every day.
I cried every night for months. The loneliness was overwhelming. He’s gone mentally anyway, but, I guess I couldn’t bear to separate at 47 years of marriage.
In 10 months his brain has deteriorated so badly that he doesn’t know me or our sons anymore. Things are going fast - this is completely different than Alzheimer’s or other dementias.
‘I talked to other families there and if their loved one does NOT have dementia they tell them. But, anyone with dementia is placed and there is no discussion. I know some can get violent, really combative, etc. That would be horrible to get them in the car. So, if you have any doubt that your husband could get that way make sure the facility knows and can greet you upon arrival. It’s so, so hard. And heartbreaking more than anything.
Good luck to you and hope you can find some peace in your decision.
You know all the reasons you have to do this. Be honest. Let him know you grieve this with him, and that it hurts you, and that you know he may not understand and it may hurt him, but that not everything in life can be fixed and not everything has a good answer. Let him know you will be there with loving visits but that you cannot go on with caring in the home.
I believe, as an RN, that honesty, even when they cannot and will not understand is the best way to handle things.
You will need to be ready to hear hard things that may be TRUE to a certain extent, that he wishes he was dead, that he feels unloved, and etc. He may cry, plead or beg and feel free to cry with him. Is this not worth mourning? If this isn't worth mourning then what is?
I am so very sorry.
Let the staff at the memory care ease him through the transition. They deal with this all the time. And the fact that he will be around other veterans is going to be good for him. And you can go back to being his wife and advocate rather than his caregiver. When you visit, bring him his favorite treats.
My husband and I discussed his being accepted into his facility 2 months in advance and he still didn’t remember nor did he “get it”.
My friend moved his mother to a memory care by taking her on a day trip and had hired movers to duplicate her suite to replicate her home as best they could. At the end of the day he just drove her to the facility and acted as if it were her home. She didn't know any better and it was easy for her to adapt. Blessings to you and your family as you go through this. Know that I have said a prayer for you and your family! ((hugs))
I would talk to someone at the VA home and ask how they will be handling things once he gets there. This is a man, not a little woman. Do they have any questions? Do have a family member go with you.