How do I know what's safe?
My friend has no short term memory. She can't remember the details of a phone conversation as soon as she gets off the phone. She will ask the same questions over and over and tells the same stories over and over. It seems that lately she is talking to herself all the time. She can't remember to take her meds or eat meals without several reminders, and if I'm not here she doesn't do either. I go to all her medical appointments with her (at her doctors' request) as she cannot remember her medical history and her doctors are not confident that she will remember and carry out their instructions. The Registry has taken her driver's license upon the doctor's recommendation. She has forgotten things on the stove and no longer is able to manage her finances without supervision and assistance. I have also found that she doesn't seem to be bathing or changing her clothes without an occasional reminder. Her room is a complete disaster even though she spends everyday in it "sorting and organizing". Everything - mail, credit cards, and other important/valuable items - never to be seen again. One day a week I am gone for as many as 12 hours, and on that day I have someone come in to spend the day with her. Of course she finds this insulting and insists that she does not need a "babysitter" and promises that she will not even use the stove when she is alone. I am so torn! I want to respect her and allow her her dignity, but the house is mine and I do worry about what might happen if she is left alone for too long. She is still able to present very well in public, though it seems to be more of a struggle than it has been in the past. How do I know what stage she is at in the dementia process and how do I know what's safe?
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Does she have any family? If so, you need to make them aware of what is going on. Just the fact that her doctor's want you to be at her appointments and help her with meds, should tell you what is happening here.
Contact your local senior center. They should have someone on staff that can help you find local senior services in your area that can help. Someone will need to be made her guardian while she is still capable of understanding the situation.
Most of all, realize what you are getting yourself into if she has no family and you plan to care for her.
This is the place to be for help and guidance. There are experts on staff and so many caregivers that have been in all kinds of situations. This is a good place to start and I am sure more of us will chime in with all kinds of helpful information so that you can make well informed decisions on what to do next. Good luck!
Have you figured out what your long-term intentions are for this friend? Are you planning to go from being her housemate to being her caregiver? As the dementia progresses are you thinking of placing her in a care center? I'd say that you have already gone above and beyond the usual bonds of friendship. Your friend is very lucky to have you.
If you intend to stick this out, be sure you have your ducks in a row regarding Power of Attorney, Medical Proxy, HIPAA waivers so all doctors can talk to you. Since she is a single woman applying for Medicaid if that is ever required should be less complicated than if you were a spouse. Your income and assets will not factor into the application.
Make sure you keep very good records of your friend's spending. For example, whatever she contributes to the household should be spelled out in an agreement. Does she pay for room and board? Document that.
Your description does sound like Alzheimer's. Another possibility is Dementia with Lewy Bodies. This is because the protein deposits called Lewy bodies are present in Parkinson's Disease (which is where they were first discovered a hundred years ago) and often that results in Dementia with Lewy Bodies. No rule says a person with Parkinson's can't have Alzheimer's, though. I just mention it so that as you research dementia you will look at both diseases. In the early and moderate stages the two kinds of dementia are quite different, and looking into them both may help you know what to expect, and why your friend is not progressing as you would expect.
You are facing a possibly long and difficult journey. It can be a very rewarding journey, too. Only you know if this is a journey you are willing to undertake for a friend. I did it with my husband, and would do it again in an eyeblink, but I always intended that as a "for better and worse" commitment. Friendship may be different.
Know that you have already done wonderful things for your friend. Finding her excellent care would be a great service, too, if you decide not to provide the care yourself.
My best wishes to you in caring for your friend, whatever path that may take.