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My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago. He has also recently been diagnosed with possible Parkinson's or Lewy Body. In January he had his first episode of c-diff, in August he had his second and September he had his third. Each time he spent a week in the hospital and four weeks in a nursing home/rehab. Each time he would walk around, he was not allowed to, looking for his wife, me. I went to see him every day and he was always so glad to see me. I stayed with him the last two days of his latest rehab visit. When he got home today he asked why I didn't take him to his home so he could be with his wife. I tried to remind him that we had just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary four days ago. He called me a liar. It went on for almost three hours. I was so exhausted I completely lost it and started crying. He showed no emotion at all and said he did not love me and wanted to go to his house. He became very angry and said he wanted to go home to his wife. I have been dealing with the situation all by myself and am exhausted. This is not the first time he has gone off about me not being his wife. I feel guilty about even thinking about putting him into dementia care but it am so tired. How do I handle this?

Why wouldn’t you want to put your beloved husband in a place where he’s taken care of 24/7 by professionals who know what they are doing? It’s time. You can be with him every day and advocate for him from a position of strength and love. It’ll be much easier to cope when you’re rested.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Guilty for what?

Getting your husband good care?

Having trained people caring for his needs?

Keeping your sanity?

Call and make an appt to tour a Memory Care asap. Actually, make that two or three.

Give it a deadline. Decide by a week from today.

When you visit, you can leave when he gets agitated, and try again a different day.
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Reply to cxmoody
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againx100 Oct 16, 2024
I wouldn't bring him on the tour. I just went and signed the papers and put her in AL.
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My Dear, you are doing an admirable job nursing him through his many many medical emergencies but your health is suffering while you do it. It is time to let the professionals take over his care so you can start to recover your own health. And please don’t visit every single day. You need time to heal from the trauma you’ve been through. Limit your time with him, he isn’t aware of who you are anymore. Count that as a blessing until you’re healthy and whole again.
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Reply to BeckyT
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It sounds like your husband also has Capgras syndrome, which makes your situation even more difficult and possibly even dangerous.(please Google Capgras)
Usually when you have to ask the question about when is it time to place someone, it is way past time that they should have been placed.
You matter too in this equation, and you now must do what is best for the both of you. And you already know that placing your husband is the best for you both.
Placing him as difficult as it will be, will allow you to get back to just being his loving wife and advocate and not his burned out, overwhelmed wife.
And please try not to take what your husband is saying so personal, as his brain is now permanently broken and he cannot help the things he says. I know this is easier said than done, but you must remind yourself that this is not your husband but is the horrible disease of dementia.
God bless you as you take this very difficult journey with your husband.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Him being home with you is distressing you and him because of his illness causing him to think he’s not home .

It’s now time to place him .
Alzheimer’s and other Dementias are awful . Visit him and be whoever he thinks you are , whether it be his wife, sister, mother, friend depending on the day .

I’m so sorry . Neither of you are to blame for this situation .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Make the decision yesterday so you can place him today.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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To be brutally honest, you really are not his wife anymore. You are his caregiver, and the man who you knew is now gone. He won't be returning in my humble opinion. The terror of dementia is that it robs us of the person while the shell of them remains, looking for all the world like the person we loved, and the person who loved us.
Your hubby is 91. He has already outlived expectations for a combo Alzheimer's and Lewy's. If he now has C-Diff, which I as an RN respect as a stone-cold KILLER and almost impossible to get rid of without fecal transplant (I am serious here), he is quite remarkable for his survival. But whether he remains with you or goes into care for this last awful time he must remain on earth, I think he is now limited in time.

I would get hospice on board at the least. And to be further frank with you, I would now place him in care lest I end up on his burning funeral pyre as a sacrifice without any benefit to anyone.

I am so sorry. Frankly this torture for both him and for you is quite unimaginable in my mind, and your description brings that all too painfully to life. This sadly is your decision. My worry for you is that placement may see your hubby soon gone and you blaming yourself for what is SURELY COMING INEVITABLY.

My best to you. Again, I would place this dear man, so that at least I could minimally survive what has beset him. I just couldn't be more sorry.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No matter how you cut it, he needs to be placed in a facility, you are not equipped to care for him, he will get worse.

There is no reason to feel guilty about placing him, it is more than time, you have done all you can for him at home.

He is old and has a terrible disease that has no cure, admit it and do what is best for the both of you.

Sending support your way.
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Reply to MeDolly
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That's so hard. But here is no convincing a dementia patient of reality. Just make a vague excuse and change the subject.

Don't feel guilty about considering putting him in MC or doing it. It's too much for one person. If you want to extent his time home, hire some staff ASAP.
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Reply to againx100
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regensburg1949: Dear lady, you have done a stellar job this far. However, for your own wellbeing, now is the time for placement of your DH (Dear Husband) in a memory care facility.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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