I'm an unpaid caregiver for my father and my family expects it. My life, 24/7, revolves around his care, feeding, hygiene, maintenance, etc. My siblings help as little as humanly possible. They believe I'm taking advantage of him because I don't pay rent for my bedroom. Anyone who'd be hired in here to do all I do around the clock would be making at least $50k a year in my area. I do it for $0.
Let's put aside for a minute how I got so screwed up to make the choice in life to do this. How do I get out? I have had a major depressive order since I was a kid and this means little to my family even knowing I try to manage this day in and day out on top of all of his needs, which are many.
I can't do it anymore. My own life is nothing now. No personal life...nothing. I realize now that no one in my family is ever going to see this my way and I stopped trying to make them understand a while ago. So, I'm in this alone.
And I feel weird saying it but I need the push to just throw my hands up and say 'enough' already. I deserve more than this in life. I deserve a life too. It can't be that the whole reason I'm here is to take care of my Dad. It just can't be.
Please, please, please, I beg of you don't be judgmental in your responses. I don't need tough love, I'm not a child so please have some compassion. And if you can't, don't reply.
Thanks :)
Yeah, I said "simply" but it isn't simple is it.
I have a few questions for you.
Is dad a Veteran? If so contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and find out if your dad qualifies for any VA benefits or services. If so take full advantage of that. Veterans Assistance DuPage County 421 N. County Farm Rd (2nd floor) Wheaton 1-630-407-5656
Contact DuPage County Human Services. 1-630-407-6500 or www.dupageco.org/seniorsvcs
If you have a local Senior Center they might also be of help.
If you can move out begin that process and tell siblings that you will be gone as of (give date) and that they have to come up with a plan to take over care. If there is no response and your dad needs 24/7 care contact APS and or the Elder Abuse number and say that there is a vulnerable senior that will be living on his own as of. (give date)
If you can no longer safely manage care for whatever reason be it physical or mental/emotional your health matters just as much as your dad's or any of your siblings.
Is anyone your dad's POA? is it in effect? If so that is the person that should be responsible for his care.
Does dad have the funds to hire caregivers? If that is a possibility having someone come in 3 days a week might be enough to help you out.
Is there an Adult Day program that dad could get involved in? That would get him out a few days a week, give you a break and give dad something to do.
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you don't give them any excuse of why you're bowing out because if you say, "It's more than I can handle" they will run around trying to make it "better" so you'll have no excuse to leave but then they will just abandon you again. So tell them you just don't want to do it any more and leave it at that.
Also, you will need to understand that, at first, it will blow up all your family relationships and they will be enraged and vindictive. Please know that no matter what they say to you now, it may not stay that way forever once they gain respect for your new-found spine and also have to do the caregiving themselves. It'll take time. Don't look at it as permanent damage, just don't say things to them as you exit that you may regret later (like insulting things -- keep it classy even when they don't).
I wish you much clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward with your life!
There is true heartbreak involved knowing I mean so little to them. This is probably the worst part of the entire situation but I can't fold and buckle under the pain of that fact. I know I just have to keep moving forward.
Thank you for your kind words and support!
There are a number of reasons why u were picked. Your single so Ann has the time. Your a girl. Your the one who can be guilted into it. There's always one child that can be made to feel guilty, in my house that was me.
Guilt is self-imposed. There is no reason to feel guilty because you have siblings. They will find a way to get him care. Do not be surprised that they end up hiring someone. I have seen it happen all my life. You complain to your boss your being overloaded with work. Nothing is done so you leave the job and they have to hire 2 people to take your place. My daughter volunteered at an animal shelter. Told the powers that be she needed more help on Sat, even emailed all the other volunteers, need help. No one responded. When she said she was taking a hiatus, then all these people emailed that they could help.
Has your life always been this way, let dear Ann do it, dear Ann will do it, get dear Ann to do it. Could this be the main reason for your depression, no one has ever listened to you. Considered what you did or did not want. Leaving will not make you popular. Like Barb said, give notice and do not engage. I may say "because you never listen to what I need or want." If you had been a hired live-in, there are laws to protect them. Working 24/7, with no time for yourself is slavery. And live-ins...free room and board is a perk of the job and they get paid too.
Please do come back and tell us how it all works out. For your mental and physical health, you need to move out. Good Luck.
We love our families but sometimes they're so toxic and dysfunctional, we can't live inside them anymore. I think I'm getting there.
Thank you for the encouragement and understanding!!
AND do it!
Good luck and please come back and tell us how you are doing; we care!
Two weeks.
I'll keep you posted :)
Second, your siblings don’t REALLY COUNT in what you need to do to reclaim your life, so you will need to begin PRACTICING the art of putting yourself, and YOUR LIFE, first in your thoughts and in your research.
I can’t find reference in your question to your father’s age, but start by considering this- he may very well NEED and potentially BENEFIT, from a residential care setting that will provide a STRUCTURED, MANAGED, HEALTHY lifestyle tailored to his specific needs.
Unless you are a trained medical professional, YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED OR EQUIPPED to provide that for him. And even if you ARE TRAINED as a nurse or doctor, your situation as 24/7/365 caregiver is untenable.
You have a computer and you know how to use it. Start searching for everything you can find on your father’s care needs and ailments.
Next do a search for residential care in your area.
If you haven’t got a good sense of finances when caring for elderly people with and without money, educate yourself about that too.
You have received EXCELLENT ADVICE in the previous responses about what to do. By STRUCTURING your research, you will gain strength to take action on your own behalf while also making sound decisions for your father as well. And THEN any misplaced guilt you attempt to deal with (and we ALL deal with guilt at some point or another) will become more and more diminished until it’s more like “regrets that the situation were different”.
When you have a dossier of FACTS from your research about getting your father the best care possible WITHOUT making you the live in, hands on agent, present them to your siblings, and indicate your departure date.
Will they scream and squeal? Yes.
Is that your fault? NO NO NO.
You are SO LUCKY to know that YOU DESERVE WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU, and you are SO ENTITLED to have exactly that.
Fix your goal steadfastly in your mind, and act. Be strong, as though your very life depends upon it. It does, and we who have lived this care about you very much.
You need a push, but not tough love....so I guess you need a gentle push from us?
You've read the responses and think several of them have good ideas. Develop a plan to extricate yourself from this situation, and tell us the steps. We will encourage you every step of the way.
Tell them you will be moving out on such and such a day and your new job starts on such and such a day and your are turning over Dad's care to them effective such and such a day.