When is it time, as in behaviors, to move mom into a memory care facility. She's in independent w/dad. I'm the caregiver.
My parents were in a 1 bedroom on an assisted living floor. Dad's independent, and Mom had very early dementia. Mom ran out of LTC $$ and Dad decided to move them to a large, 2 bedroom 2 bathroom on an independent floor. My sister was absolutely against it.
I wanted Dad to be happy, Mom wasn't ever going to get better. I have been Mom's caregiver: I help her shower, take her to the grocery store, CVS, Starbucks, etc. I do their laundry. Well, I got fried, have zero social life, Dad got used to me being with Mom a lot and me spoiling him. I started not coming as often.
He knows Mom needs help showering. Dec and Jan were rough, as he spent much more time in the apartment with her. Football season, he had the flu.
My point: Dad hit rock bottom 3 days ago and said he can't take it anymore! She can be needy and he just keeps sending her to bed — all day except lunch and dinner! He met with their doctor, as I gently suggested, knowing he would say she needs a caregiver or be in assisted. Nope!
Whatever Dad told him, the doctor highly recommended memory care! At a different facility! She's nowhere near that stage and my siblings and I are in shock. We know she needs a caregiver and companion, because I'm no longer willing to put another year of my life on hold.
Dad cried and feels terrible but he just needs to get an aide for her. He's always been impulsive and I'm praying someone presents him with other options. ANY thoughts, advise would be so helpful. I don't post often, but this community has saved my sanity. Thank you!
If the moved to AL dad would still be the caregiver 90% of the time as the AL staff can not do 1 on 1 care for a full day. And they would not help her engage in activities. they would suggest but not encourage.
If the facility they are in now has Memory Care I do not see why mom could not be in that MC. Dad could visit. but would dad be tempted to take her out for a walk, for a dinner? That might confuse her more.
The doctor saying she should be in MC is his opinion. If you wanted to try them both in AL it might work BUT be prepared to move mom once again if her needs are more than the AL staff can manage.
If the facility they are in has AL you can ask for an assessment so see if she would be alright in AL.
I will say I am a firm believer that a person with dementia should be in MC not AL for a variety of reasons. The first being safety you never know when a person with dementia might decide to go for a walk and not return. Get on the facility van to the store and get lost. And many other scenarios that might come to mind.
Do they need to be in different facilities? Are there some in your area where your Dad could get a one-bedroom or studio in IL or AL while your mom goes to MC on another floor?
If your dad has all legal authority to make decisions for his wife / your mother, it is up to him. However, you need to get an independent (?) diagnosis for your mother to know how to proceed.
Yes, he'll be upset.
These situations are sad and difficult for everyone in the family.
The key is to find out what care your mom needs.
Ascertain if your dad is the final decision maker legally (or you? another in the family).
Expect your dad to be upset and needing time to adjust to life without his wife close by - either blaming himself or you. Learn to protect yourself emotionally - this can be done by
--- 1) developing compassionate towards him (and yourself);
--- 2) giving yourself some space when you get triggered.
Take care of yourself - you've already learned you need to set boundaries and will / can burn out.
I do not understand your comment "... but he just needs to get an aide for her."
How do you know what your mother needs in terms of care?
She may need to be in a locked division ... ask medical provider for details of why they recommend the specific care needed. Get a second opinion as needed.
Talk to the administrator, social worker, manager of the facility,
Gena / Touch Matters
I've had a week to be with my Mom and my Dad and observe them as much as possible. I am the 'aid'/caregiver. I'm with her 6 days a week. She does well or better with my sister or I. Which is why I think she'd do well with a companion. I'm just burned out. She doesn't wander or try to leave, ever. I've spent the night when my Dad goes to my brother's and I will again Superbpwl Sunday.
She is sundowning earlier and likes to be in her room after 5:30.
All of you have helped me look for behaviors and not be so emotional.
Also, my sister and I have looked at 3 memory care places. So far 2 are absolutely amazing, (pricey) and 1 was a bit....unnerving and understaffed.
3 more to go. We have a printed chart and a list of questions for each place. And.....we found out the memory care unit person would go to my parent's apartment to evaluate her. That's great news.
I've joined 2 support groups, 1 specifically for people caring for others with dementia.
I stopped in today (after seeing 2 places) and had a quick dinner with them. I usually stay but I was mentally beat and both were needy. So I came home instead! Self care. Wanted to update you and thank you, again. I really appreciate the strong, mature amlnd logical advise.
Maybe Dad told the truth that he can't handle it or the Dr saw how it was affecting Dad? Have you met his doctor, he should know about your Dad's health and what Dad needs. I'd trust the Dr because they are experienced. You know that when you had your limit that it would take its toll on Dad twice as fast. When a man breaks down and cries it says that he's defeated, that's an emotional thing that they don't show often. He wants to be there for her but he doesn't have the strength.
So, it's not about how Mom is doing but Dad too. MC will take care of Mom and Dad and you will get the chance to heal physically and emotionally. I don't know how you're going to manage it but it's a win-win for everyone. Listen to the Dr, meet with him and get the lowdown on your Dads/Moms health. You may be surprised that the Dr knows something about their condition that you don't know. Sometimes things come on so fast you don't realize it. How about getting Dad setup on this forum so he has the support for his own sanity too?
All of this 'should' have happened a year ago. Dad refused to duscuss it.
Just a suggestion...what about if both move back to Independent Living; one bedroom and bring in help--some type of 3rd party that the facility contracts with.
Everything comes down to money. The Assisted Livings as I said before are real estate, there is no assistance. You get a room/studio and everything is a la carte which basically means you run out of money. Now if there's two people in the dwelling the money is used up for the first person.
Can you find a different tier facility. I had to do this with my mother. Exercise is another thing. Your health insurance will cover physical therapy, occupational therapy, but there is a co-pay. $$$ goes fast.
Two aging people if one is on the decline and the other soon to follow a team of people is needed.
As I said before on the forum, I was in the trenches for years' caring for mother; living like a church mouse, while my siblings were travelling the world. We relocated to the South which takes care of their seniors.
I work remotely, when mother wants to go to a Bible study in the library down the hall an attendant comes (you pay for this) and walks mother to the library. I had to do this relocate because we couldn't afford the Northeast. The places were either for the rich or the long-time places that were nice in its day were now worn and run down. My siblings pitched in at first but as things went on and mother's health declined they bowed out. They wanted to travel, resume with their own life, etc.
I had to make a drastic, well thought-out decision that when this is all over, I am still standing.
Try to keep your hand in work. It's important. Save for your old age and try to find a few hobbies. I know it's hard and finances have a lot to say in this.
The Independent Living will still provide meals and use Amazon for all retail. It saves a lot of running around. Use the doctor portals and have prescriptions 90-day supply mail-order. Again, you will save $$$.
You pay for everything in these places--laundry, companion at lunch, etc. Travel light in case another move is immediate.
If you think it's necessary for Memory Care, again figure out who pays for what. Every State is different and the insurance companies, well, enough said.
in memory care your mother will get the care she needs… companionship ,
help with all activities of daily living
showers dressing etc .. she’ll have activities and companionship…
and she’ll be safe and secure .
you can’t replicate that at home with an aide !!!
your dad will visit often and still be able to take her out lunch etc… their
relationship will be more like husband and wife instead of caregiver and heavy burden . In many cases caregivers die earlier than those they care for.
good advice here ! We’ve been there !
Assisted living isn't really set up for people with dementia. It's more for people who have physical limitations which require an aide to help with dressing or showering, etc. I moved my mother straight from Independent Living to Assisted Living, and after she'd been there for 4 months, the facility manager told us mom really needed to be in memory care because of her dementia.
In memory care there is a whole staff to accompany her to meals and remind her about Bingo and outings to the pumpkin patch. Mom likes the attention. In assisted living she was mostly left to her own devices except for assistance with pills and laundry.
Your mom's early dementia will progress. The move will be difficult for everyone, no matter when it's done. Maybe remind your dad, "This isn't going to get easier. Let's try getting the tough part over with now."
You need to find out if this is what's really holding your Dad back from doing anything more than what he's doing now. If you can discover that financial worries are involved, you can help get Dad some answers regarding possible solutions. Explore Medicaid eligibility for Mom's Memory Care costs via an Elder Law Attorney.
Good luck and good wishes.
He is the husband, he is the one who lives with her all day every day.
You and your siblings may be in denial. You want mom home with him, but none of you are taking on the burden of living with her full time and meeting her care needs. That is a burden on your father, and he is saying he can't do it any more!
It was your mistake to get fired from your job to become a slave to their needs.
Get another job, let your dad manage his and his wife's lives.
Once option is for you to be authorised to talk to the doctor, and find out exactly why there was this recommendation. Perhaps D opened up to the doctor in a way you haven’t heard yourself. D may have been in ‘shock’ too, over you backing off because you are “no longer willing to put another year of my life on hold”. He could probably see even more pressure on himself, including to organise all of this on an ongoing basis.
A long hours ‘caregiver and companion’ to provide most of what D and you do, is quite likely to cost more than a facility, while providing less ‘care and companionship’ for M. Perhaps the best way to get over your ‘shock’ is to list exactly how much time and energy each of you is putting into M’s care, break it down into shifts for an ‘aide’ or two, cost it, and then compare it to the MC option.
Clearly, it’s time to reassess the present and what is coming for the future.
I'm not sure why you are shocked at the thought of memory care. My husband is in one now. Your mom clearly needs that level of care, and she would benefit from it. So would dad. If you think about it seriously, you might realize that sad dad, an aide, and you are not nearly as pleasant a prospect as what she'd have in memory care. In fact, that plan sounds way depressing. I kept both mom and dad at home with aides for years. It requires more than one aide. It required my presence also. I'd never go that route again.
Go look at some memory care places and see the amenities. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Do they have to be in separate facilities? Unless you're in a rural area, there are likely other residential facilities where your dad can get a one-bedroom or studio in IL or AL while your mom is in MC.
The staff will work at keeping her engaged with activities, more than she would get with just an aide, if your dad continues to do his own thing without including her. You and/or he could still bring him to your dad's floor, visit on hers, and take her on outings.
I know it's extra work now, but since your dad is impulsive, you and your sister could work on doing more organized research to find a place that will fit both their needs.
It was very generous of you to spend so much time with them, but yes, please don't fall into the trap of doing that all again. Good luck, I know it's stressful. Keep us posted on how it's going.
Obviously Mom has worsened and is driving him crazy. His limited options would be to move them back into AL like they were (and use the AL services instead of you), or hire an aide to come help Dad out so he isn't so stressed. It would be terrible to be married for decades, then your spouse gets dementia and becomes needy, clingy and helpless. Mom is probably shadowing him 24/7. That is a drastic change for a couple to deal with. Dad is having a hard time adjusting to Mom's increasing dependency. It didn't help spoiling them both a year either. You have a taste of what Dad is dealing with now, by himself. You burn out quick! Good thing you put your foot down now, so you don't become their option.
Mom is Dad's total responsibility, NOT YOURS. You can gently suggest options and be helpful with figuring out what Dad needs to do. Tell Dad you understand, since you got fried yourself. Ask him directly what is "awful" about getting her an aide? If he wants Mom to stay with him in the 2 bdrm, he simply needs to hire an aide to help Mom shower, give her rides, dress and such. But that isn't going to stop her clingy neediness when the aide is not there. Dad sounds guilty and sad, but still fried. You get this!
Mom would be happier in MC, with plenty of staff around constantly, activities and such. Dad can go visit often, since he will get lonely. He may need to move into a 1 bdrm, to afford 2 places? Otherwise if they stay in IND 2 bdrm, he should try hiring an aide first and see how it goes, before doing another big move. Lots to think about for sure!
Good Luck to Dad finding a solution, and stay strong about NOT doing their caregiving! Your siblings aren't going to help, so time for a paid aide!
Have you talked to Dad about an aide ? Did he say “ No” ? . I’m confused about why you are afraid of him being impulsive and want someone to give him other options .
If Dad is at his wits end , perhaps he can not have Mom living with him anymore even with an aide during the day . It sounds like he may be at that point and is why he’s so upset and cried .
This is a tough one but a decision will have to be made that will work for Dad as well as Mom .
Try to keep an objective view of the whole picture . We often get caught up with trying to keep a parent happy , and don’t recognize the level of care they truly need .
The decision should be based on what they need , not what they want . It may be too stressful for Dad to live with Mom . A lot of spouses die before the “ needy” spouse dies due to the stress .
Consider that perhaps your own feelings about this is not allowing you to see what the doctor sees …..how burnt out Dad is .
My mother’s doctor was more worried about me than my mother , and suggested I place my mother too .
It ended up best for both of us .