Sendhelp Asked April 2021
When is it time for our elderly parents to stop hosting the Easter family gatherings?
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When there is aging, chronic illness, a Pandemic, how do you balance the "I really want to gather with family" vs "We just cannot do this"??
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After mom moved to MC, just trying to get a response from YB about a "special" meal or event they were having became too much! Multiple pings just to get Yes or No, because the facility wanted head count. I eventually stopped. It wasn't worth it for me. He knew what holidays there were, so if he didn't ask, I didn't offer. I really don't think he visited mom after I stopped pinging.
Now, I take what little get togethers with my kids that I can get. Otherwise, me and the kitties hang out here, nice and quiet. Would I like to get together more often? Sure. But daughter works off-shift dispatch, so tough finding time. Son lives over an hour away and it takes a lot out of me just to get there!
Hosting would be fine for the parents, but only if everyone brings something or it is catered. Then everyone chips in to clean up. They've done their time and deserve to be spoiled! Otherwise, someone else should take up the tradition or take turns.
Some very good responses, and some very unique ideas!
Midkid,
You did a whole lot of things right!
Hoping everyone had a wonderful holiday. Even if it was just another day to you, and you stayed home!
Thanks!
Which was fine, until it wasn't.
When DH would come downstairs and find me sobbing in my room b/c I was just so worn out from planning, cooking, cleaning, etc and everybody sat at the tables with their PHONES--I just lost it.
My middle daughter, who is so very sweet and sensitive said, when I was dxed with cancer 2 years ago--said "Mom, we are ALL older than you were when you were doing dinner for 30 people. Let US do it now." I was too sick to care, and gratefully turned it over to the next generation. And I am not going back! I still contribute--honestly, many time, most of the food--but I do not have to set up, do cleanup AND try to host the whole thing.
I have everyone over one Sunday a month and we usually just do snacks and dessert.
It's not only OK---it's IMPORTANT that younger generations step in and learn how to do these things. Traditions change and grands grow up and so the timespan to really make the most of these times is really short.
We're ALL vaccinated and/or have had covid, so we can meet as a family today.
Looking forward to it. I will not be a sad mess when dinner rolls around this afternoon.
I thank God everyday for my 4 beautiful, thoughtful and generous daughters. Maybe, just maybe, I did something right?
(And we, as a couple, prefer to go out with friends. I think being one of the first generations where the wife worked and didn't have time or energy to plan and produce a huge meal for friends may have been a part of the cause.)
I am in my mid/late 60's and I LOVE having people over and planning a menu and making all sorts of things (occasionally "experimenting" with recipes). Would I want to give that up NO!!!
And I have had guests over, (not all in my "COVID pod" either) and have not had any problems. I did make my table larger, no more than 6 people and when not eating wearing masks.
I would say if you are concerned start turning your gatherings into a "pot luck" each person bring a favorite family dish.
I am sure it is easier for the younger members of the family to get into a car and get to the "elderly parents" VS them getting picked up and brought back later.
BUT if their house is smaller and can not easily and safely accommodate a larger gathering then the hosting should fall to the one with the larger house.
And why not scale the gathering to make it a "buffet" type rather than a sit down dinner. An "open house" format will allow a visit to another set of parents in the same day without cutting short a visit,.
The needs vs the wants.
Duty of Care (keeping people safe) vs Dignity of Choice (letting people choose).
I would acknowledge the WANTS, the feelings (insert empathy 🙁) but then choose a practical & safe way to proceed. (That may have to be a video call party..)
As people get older & have changing health or financial needs, I think a re-evaluation may be good every year anyway. I see it as a progression;
1. The full deal: the giant family sit down meal gathering.
2. BYO: Guests bring plates or prepackaged/takeaway
3. Lite: brunch or afternoon tea, maybe split into smaller groups
4. Nursing home visits.
DH's lot are at #2.
Mine hanging in at #3.
Start a real conversation with the hosts. Ask questions. How do they really feel about it? Then offload, delegate & skip stuff until it is adapted to the correct comfort level.
Look out for any sticklers or moochers.. Any members that say "Oh but So & So don't mind! They host every year. They always provide it all & clean up etc". Maybe... or maybe not 🤔
My SILs are sticklers for tradition but they are happy to take over & do the work for it. My sib however, assumed someone else wanted to host every single year. I explained kindergarten rule 101.. Taking Turns. It's your turn now 😜. Either step up or we can step out (to have it all done at a restaurant instead - I'm cool with that). But step up to communicate or it just won't happen at all.
Well Grandma is long gone, my aunt in her 90s, my mom in her late 80s. We haven't had family gatherings for many years.
Well my husband and I Zoomed with husband's brother and family - four different locations - for Passover. What fun.
In our case:
I have my mom to consider - my husband and I am the only family that lives near her. She has had 1 dose of COVID vaccine and is waiting to get her 2nd dose. My husband and I are in similar position to my mom regarding vaccine. My daughter is pregnant with first baby. She and her hubby are super-isolated with very strict visitation protocols. I understand since they live near Miami, that city had way too many active infections to make going anywhere comfortable. My sister and her hubby and all their adult children had COVID at some point last year and had very mild infections. We are concerned that they could get sick again and spread it to us - and others. My MIL lives in Hawaii with her live-in caregiver and can't travel. Travel to her if time-consuming, expensive and difficult.
Our solution:
I am bringing most of the Easter meal to my mom's home on Easter. She can't drive long distances (she has vision problems that are progressively getting worse) so we have to either bring her into my home or go to hers. We visited outside and masked with our children earlier this past week as their "celebration". Mom, hubby and I are pretty good about CDC protocols, so we're comfortable with a meal together without masks. We're having lunch with a slimmed down menu and probably a walk outside afterwards. I expect there will be a few phone calls and texting back and forth with extended family. Sister and her family would have to fly out to be with us, so they aren't coming over. We always send MIL and her caretaker goodies and call them later to catch up. If we had people we weren't comfortable about, we would: be apart but FaceTime or Zoom during our "celebration," choose to eat outdoors with social distancing (we live in Florida so this is fairly easy), find games we can play together on ZOOM or FaceTime, and send each other cards and pictures.
At some point, celebrations need to be more about safe ways of nurturing relationships and less about food (some might say to lose or loosen up traditions) . For some, the traditions brought a lot of joy and comfort and happy expectations. For others, this pandemic created an opportunity to explore new ways of connecting. Of course, in-person visits will always be the preferred connection, but all the other ways of connecting - online, outdoors, socially distanced, via telephone - can work too. Now is a great time to loosen, of lower, expectations and find easier ways of celebrating love.
Me, my MIL loved to do the cooking. My Dad wanted holidays at his house but not sure if Mom really enjoyed doing the cooking. I tried to do as much as I could to help. I tried TGiving here a couple of times but didn't seem all that hungry after doing the cooking. Really didn't enjoy it.
When MIL lived in Fl we traveled down but she still did the cooking. She would get up real early to get the turkey in and do as much as she could with the sides. So by the time we got up, the preparation was done. She was very quiet. Her last year was when she was 91. We could see she was failing but being the stubborn woman she was, she wanted to make the dinner. We always did the clean up. That was her last TG. My Mom, gave it up after Dad died. SIL always made sure Mom was included in their Holiday.
My daughter likes to entertain. So she usually has the TG dinner. I do Lasagna at Christmas. No I am not Italian but with an RN as a daughter, it was the easiest thing to keep warm if she was running late from her shift at work. This year her friend was doing dinner. We were invited but with COVID we declined. So, I did a small dinner here. Actually, things are not the same as when my Mom did the big meals and 14 of us gathered around the table. Most have now passed, moved away, or married and have in-laws.
3 years ago after hubby had surgery for subdural hematoma (2 surgeries in 5 days) he remarked he didn't think he could lift the turkey out of the oven. My BFF volunteered to cook it, and rest of the guests decided what side dishes they would bring.
2020 we had Thanksgiving as usual, with the inclusion of my Hubby's caregiver and her family.
Every one pitched in to set and clear the table, pack up leftovers (-rule is you have to bring your own Tupperware), do the dishes and clean the kitchen. It was the most enjoyable dinner yet.
As to elderly, we are 80 and 79 this year, so keep it somewhat simple and haul in food from Costco for the most part. I can't imagine the day will come we can't, but I know intellectually that it will, and at that point we will let everyone know and will ask who is taking the gathering over. There aren't a whole lot of us to gather, and that makes it easier.
If so, I love it. The tree, wearing a festive themed daggy teeshirt & bonbons are all I really like. I am steadily whittling away everything else each year 😁
I have always hosted all the holidays at my house as I love having all my family here, however last year one of my granddaughters had major surgery and couldn't travel, so I ended up going to my daughters for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was nice, but just not the same. I will be having Easter at my house this year and look forward to having the family here for the other holidays, as I hope to continue the tradition until I am no longer able. Happy Easter!
Now us "kids" are in our late 60s and our middle aged kids are gradually taking over the cooking and prep for celebrations.
Today, most of the younger set (under 40), prefer to go out to dinner.
I was remembering the tradition, always wanted to hostess the events like my mother had done. That was then. Times have really changed things. But I have the m e m o r i e s when my son was growing up.
I was working hard, turned around while I was at the sink. Family was miserable, not talking, watching me work on Mother's Day, they were eating, the token visit was almost over, and I had not even a minute to enjoy their visit.
Way too much work, time, and expense for an hour's dinner. Bye Mom, we're expected at the in-law's house. I was "Mom".
Took me a week to recover.
In talking to an aunt, she had explained that coming to our childhood home for Easter was a greater chore than she could manage. My mother would expect her sister, and any kid they could catch to do the dishes and cleanup for 30 people!
What were they thinking, was this a fun tradition?