My 94-year-old father-in-law resides in assisted living, suffering from congestive heart failure that led to 4 hospitalizations in 2024, severe pain from spinal stenosis (treated for 6+ years with a fentanyl patch), and GI bleeds that land him in the hospital with severe anemia at least once a year. He has just been hospitalized again with blood pressure of 190/114, and I predict the same outcome: medication adjustments that will do the trick for a few weeks, and then more of the same. Meanwhile, his cognition and quality of life seem to diminish by the day. At what point, and how, do loved ones broach the option of hospice, or at least palliative care? He does not like to be "managed" and seriously thinks we should be planning a European river cruise right now, not his funeral.
I am wondering where your husband is on this topic? I, for one, would not advise a DIL initiating the topic of Hospice Care. My guess, just a guess, FIL's whole family is living in denial and you are swimming against a tidal wave. What a challenging and painful time for all involved.
If the above is true, everyone would be better served if you hand this off to someone else, your husband or other sibs. Pressing this issue falls in the category of "shoot the messenger."
When my dad was dying, he called me often asking for relief from his suffering. When I visited him (and his wife) to lend a little support I asked him (age 93, CHF) if he might want to consult with Hospice about stopping meds and receive comfort care. His wife was eaves dropping and swooped in and said I might as well take him out back and shoot him. Then she said, "We don't belive in that."
I scheduled a visit from Hospice for the next day (I returned home and was not present.) and to my surprise they accepted the care. I can only imagine why. I believe my dad told her it was what he wanted. He died in a few weeks mostly unconscious for that time. Wife and I never spoke again. She blamed ME for his death!
I offer my story as food for thought if anything in it might help you discern your role here and a way forward.
How lucky your FIL is to have you for his DIL. I hope you and all will find peace and comfort during his transition.
I personally believe that hospice is a decision that should be the choice of the patient, provided they are mentally competent. It’s often easier for all concerned for the medical professionals to make the suggestion. Of course if they don’t do this proactively the family can ask the doctor whether it would be appropriate and if they would discuss with the loved one. The patient wanting to discontinue treatment or expressing a wish to die is an obvious sign. Uncontrollable pain is another one.
I wish you peace at this most difficult time.
It probably should have been discussed at the second or third hospitalization in 2024.
Ask for a consult with the Hospice. Most hospitals have a Hospice or an admission nurse for a Hospice they work with is on site.
His ALF may also have a Hospice they work closely with.
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