I’ve gotten some pretty serious news from my doctors. We don’t know what it is or where exactly I got whatever it is, but there is the possibility of it being as serious as it gets. I’m under orders if certain things happen to go straight to the ER. I think, and I’m not joking, that the doctors don’t understand why I’m still standing. Now, it’s not impossible it’s something that’s fixable too but, regardless, I need to plan for the worst and hope for the best.
I want to have a conversation with my father about where he is in his life, a come to Jesus, conversation so to speak. He can’t live alone, not without help, but he’s completely deluded about his abilities and refuses, ever, to do things that would help him. That’s not true, he eventually does it, sometimes, just always months and years late.
But, if I tell him what’s going on with me, he’s going to freak completely out, and I mean completely out, so much so, that he’ll add to my burden.
What I’ve done is talked to the 3 people who are his closest friends and backup caregivers, told them my situation, and kept the information from him. Two of them confirmed my concerns about his ability, one of them pretty much sounds exactly like me when we talked about him.
If I pass away, he’ll have enough money to go to the nicest assisted living place in the area and stay there for as long as he needs, unless he lives to 120, and possibly even then. He would be around people, etc. And if he wants to hide in his room, he can sit there and do that too.
Any thoughts?
Again, we don’t know what’s going on, and modern medicine can be amazing, so maybe I’m wrong and I’m going to be around, but it’s damn scary.
Do you have any other siblings? Why is this on you?
I haven’t even told my wacky MIL that I’m on Mounjaro because she is going to think I’m going to die like Lisa Marie or that my stomach is paralyzed. She can’t even be told I’m on a weight loss shot, so I can definitely see how your dad can’t be told about your health issue.
I’m hoping for your sake it’s treatable. I will keep you in my thoughts.
It’s not a zero chance that it’s treatable, even if it turns out to be cancer or leukemia. But there’s a lot of weight loss, and the lung damage has progressed in 3 months. It’s absolutely serious and there’s a pretty large something in one of my lungs.
I used to run up and down hills, people used to make fun of me. It’s probably what’s saving me now, but at some point, you run out of weight to lose.
I believe you have done the right thing.
The important thing now it to settle things for your Dad in that you have had the time you have had and that you have learned from and cared about him. Settle that the love and respect are there. Be certain your Dad has access to YOUR information as you have it to his. Just tell him something silly like :
"You know Dad, I just heard about a fellow caring for his folks who suddenly dropped dead of an aneursym. And it made me know how much we just live day to day accepting that the old will pass before the young. Were anything to happen to me ever, here is my attorney's phone number, pasted right up here by the phone. He will see to it you live rich the rest of your life!"
Then give a hearty laugh.
It's important now that you settle your own papers and speak to your own bankers, advisors, and etc. so things ARE set up as you wish.
I sure hope things go well for you.
I would, however, make a binder that includes all of your important papers, a spreadsheet with names and account numbers and phone numbers for all of your finances. Leave the location for this binder with your attorney.
Maybe include all of your funeral requests, in another tab.
Have you established a POA for YOU?
God willing, all will be well. If not, or even in the future, whomever takes care of your business will thank you for all of this preparation.
Best wishes to you!
Unfortunately they’re going to biopsy the lung on Monday. This isn’t like a skin biopsy, they insert a needle, the lung can deflate and it’s about a 10% risk. But, we have to know what’s going on in the lung so the risk isn’t even calculable really. If it goes ok, I should be able to get the lawyer later in the week.
I talked to my father indirectly about it yesterday, just that I thought he should go into assisted living if anything happened to me. He’s aware there’s health issues, just not how serious it might be, and he flipped completely out. He didn’t flip out in a way that made any sense to me, it was weird stuff.
We need to update his stuff too, I think.
Thank you!
If this turns out to be a non-lethal situation, I want you to think long and hard about what you are giving up to cater to your dad's unreasonable expectations of you.
It is sad that all dad cares about at this point (based on your replies below) is what is going to happen to him and how this is going to affect him. Does he even give a crap that you have cancer and may die? Did he offer any sympathy or support to you?
If this is treatable I really think you should consider getting dad into assisted living now. You can't take care of yourself and try and get this cancer under control and in remission if you are focused on him and his needs (which seem really excessive and self centered).
You are right about caring for him. My best outcome is that they cut the cancer out of my lung. I’m still strong, O2 is still around 95%, I had a normal pulmonary function test, but I’ve lost a lot of weight, there’s fluid in the lung and I cough. I don’t think it’s all cancer related weight loss but a lot is.
Still, that best outcome is going to leave me less than I was.
I disagree with others as far as I think he needs to know now while you are still strong enough to deal with him. Even if you have a good end result this could be what helps get him into a better living situation.
So I can see the problem you have. But it also seems that you will not be able to hide ur illness for long. That talk with Dad has to be done soon because he needs to be placed in an Al before you worsen. I would think the stress on your part is not helping.
First, I would get Dad evaluated for what he can and can't do for himself. Office of Aging can help there. I would also want some counseling on how to tell Dad what is going on with you. Maybe you should not be the one to do it. Maybe your doctor or a nurse practitioner can help. You take Dad to one of your appts and let the doctor explain what is going on. Then the doctor tells Dad that he needs to get his ducks in a row. Seems with his health problems, he needs to find an AL now that he can move into. One, because it will take the pressure off you so u can work on ur health. Second, if u should pass, he is already situated.
Yes, please, get ur ducks in a row too. My sister died without a Will or a beneficiary on her life insurance leaving a 7 yr old. My brother had to go to court to declare our nephew her closest of kin so he could received her insurance. She had a home that the bank foreclosed on because she had no insurance on it. Get that Will rewritten. Yes, assign a POA for you. You need an Executor. Need someone to make sure Dad is settled in and all his ducks are in a row if u pass.
Your Dad will need to understand he cannot put his head in the sand. That if he and you do not plan for the inevitable that if its found he needs 24/7 care after your passing, that without the safeguards worked out now, the State could take over his life.
Your Dad will probably need some professional help to deal with ur illness because of his high anxiety. He needs to learn tools to help him deal with maybe losing you. Its his turn to help you get thru this, not be a burden. I so hope he realizes this. Its now not all about him.
Just wanted to update things. I do have lung cancer. They’re going to scan me to check if I have any other cancers. I’ve never smoked or been around anything toxic to my knowledge, although I guess I may have been. I have no idea what the plan is or anything else, I just found out yesterday, although obviously I kind of expected this. I’ll know more next week on Tuesday.
I have told my father. I reached out to a lawyer, didn’t hear back, so I’ll have to follow up there. I got him to agree that he needed to go somewhere, then today, he forgot about that.
He has a right to live how he wants to but he’s also not capable any more, I don’t have to put up with the bullsh*t any more and I may not be capable any more either.
I did slam out an emergency will.
Things are moving fast but not fast enough.
Please update us. We care!
I think getting him situated in MC or AL (whatever level of care is appropriate for him) will take a lot of worry off your plate.
I think talking to him and telling him what is going on was the right thing to do. So he knows that you might not be 100% there for him if he needs it.
Having help in a facility might make him feel better as well.
You say that he agreed to go somewhere but he forgot about that. Is this common? Does he forget, has he been diagnosed with cognitive impairment or dementia? If so this might limit where he could go and be safe.
Your first order of business is to get your "ducks in a row" and make sure that you are set with all your paperwork.
Take care of yourself.
🙏
You hang in there. It's a trip hearing cancer; I know, as I had breast cancer with spread to two lymph nodes 36 years ago. And here I still am with no recurrence, knock wood.
You will find communities out there anywhere from FB on to help inform you and help you get through. Yes, you do need to get your stuff together now with an attorney. Pay to do that; it is wisest. And yes, Dad has to adjust, have his place where he is placed, and enjoy your visits as you do them often as you feel able during treatment.
I hope you will keep up updated and know we ALL are in your corner.
Oh well--I've heard weirder things.
When I got my cancer dx, I just tucked my head down and barreled through all the testing. I knew the day after I 'thought' I might have cancer to have a definite dx, so there wasn't a lot of time to process it before I had to start chemo.
I remember wondering if I should tell my aging mom. I finally did, and she just said "Oh, OK". And then didn't talk to me for over a year. My MIL actually was so disappointed that I went into remission she said "Oh, why didn't you just DIE?".
My mom couldn't handle it and my MIL hates me, so it was kind of hard, knowing I had to really work to create a 'village' of people who DID care about me and did help me.
It's the 'not knowing' that is the worst. As bad as the actual TXs can be, at least you are doing something.
I hope you can quickly get all your ducks in a row and then spend time taking care of yourself. Worrying about dad is not going to be productive or helpful. Make yourself the first priority. I totally get the fear and all the anxiety that comes along with the initial dx. It's surreal.
I hope your treatments are not too awful and that you get to beat this.
Prayers for you. I had a lot of people on this forum praying for me and I know it felt so good, at times, b/c there will be times you feel totally alone.
And yes! Medicine has come a LONG way in the TX of cancer.
((Hugs))
Please do whatever is best for you right now. I think you are correct in not sharing your situation with your dad. You don’t need the additional stress.
Will keep you in my thoughts.
1 - Have his plan of care already covered in case you will not be around - or able - to help him.
2 - Develop a group of friends/family/members of your faith community to care for you. You need this in case you need surgery or extended medical treatments of your own.
3 - Break the news to him. Be brief and factual. Let him know your options and which option(s) you are choosing.
4 - Be prepared for his need to vent and process. You are using this group and your friends to vent and process. He needs that opportunity too.
5 - Do it sooner - like now - rather than later.
He might surprise you with his response to it and be quite supportive.
Even though my mother was in the throes of dementia and not able to be of much help, she instinctively knew something was wrong when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. He didn't want to tell her, as they'd both had cancer in the past and she was completely freaked out by it both times. However, I convinced him that she needed to be told there was something wrong, and he finally agreed. I told her that yes, he was sick and it wasn't looking good. That was enough detail, so I ne_er told her it was cancer, but giving him little pats and hugs to comfort him and it was wonderful to see. She rose above her mental fog for the man she'd been with for 66 years, and she deserved to know. Her mind crashed and burned after he died, but she was able to love him and hold his hand as he left this life.
I think your dad deserves to know, too. He's your dad and he wants to be there for you as well. Remember, you're about all the other has, and if you can't lean on each other, then who do you lean on?
I've got a 92yo father still living on his own as well. I really need to be there to help him as I can see his memory slipping even in our phone calls, but I have a 70yo husband with a myriad of health problems who has outlived all the doctors' predictions, and we live five hours away. Our next visit is in September for mom's birthday (she died in 2020). I don't want dad to be alone on a significant date.
That said, you have not mentioned your own family -- spouse, kids? What do they think of all this? Now, in the event that you are single, what about the possibility of YOU moving into AL with him?
I'm sorry for all that is on your plate right now, so many things to process and do.
I can tell you that personally because of my mom and the stress I’ve encountered I now have health issues. I r lost a lot of weight. I have chronic pain as well now. I faced with the same dilemma.
Do not tell your father the severity of the issue. Just say hey dad I am
not feeling great and I need to take a step back to take care of myself. And right now you need to do that. Be kind to yourself and don’t push yourself.
My mother in law is 101 and is extremely selfish at the moment and doesn't realize or care that her children are in their seventies and have their own health issues to have to deal with. Everyone is not going to live to be her age and the focus cannot always be on her.
I am glad your dad has several close friends that can rally around him while you take care of yourself.
Good luck and keep us updated!
I would probably only give some of the info and withhold anything that you think would cause more trouble for you at this time.
My observation is that sometimes seniors (90s plus) can be quite stubborn in their refusal to take help or follow instructions that might make the caregiver's life easier. I finally had to put my foot down on one thing in particular. Things worked out once I held firm.
Do what you feel is best for YOU, to tell him or not. Confer if you like with an Elder Law Attorney or your own attorney for discernment, options. And, perhaps confer with your father's PCP for their advice concerning consideration about telling him.
Moreover, the conversation about your dad needing to face getting help will probably be easier.
My mom was like this. Every thing was a catastrophe and really stressed me out. But my husband always encouraged me to just tell her the truth, whenever the consequences. I think it’s good advice. As someone above mentioned, your dad may surprise you, my mom did many times .
You must concern yourself with your immediate needs....Prayers for you. and also use your support people.
I have told my father what I know and that I can’t be his caregiver any more. I’m going to meet with some family members about him soon. He wants to try and do it on his own.
A couple of people asked about my family, unfortunately, I never married, so I don’t have that resource. I do have some friends and relatives stepping up to offer help so I won’t be completely alone, but I will be alone for some of it.
There is one small benefit to this, it does put things in perspective, and it’s liberating in a small way because some things just don’t matter now.
Again, thank you for your thoughts and support.
You have cancer you need to focus on yourself. You dont have time to take care of him and entertain his fantasy of self sufficiency.
Dad needs to check his wants and do something he doesnt want to do because he loves you and cares about you too. Now the question is will dad or will he remain selfish and self centered?
My guess is dad won't make this easy for you.