My mom has been suffering with dementia since she was 55 years old (she’s 68 now). I’ve come to move in with her 2 years ago. She also has major depression disorder she’s struggles with. We never got along but I’m here to do what’s right. I’ve cleaned out her home because it was a disaster from her hoarding. She continues to be upset with me and always accusing me of taking things because of this… I’ve done a poa for her since her debt was out of control. My mom has no ambition to try and do daily living skills which I realize she may have forgotten these skills. I just got the house transferred to my name but NYS and the 5 year look back I’m scared they will revolk the transfer if I put her in an assisted living home. I am a single mom with a job that has me working remote. I have an aide coming in a couple times to just give me some relief and it was in hopes it would give my mom some motivation but my mom just goes back to her room once they leave. I feel stuck I don’t have much family support and I’m an only child. So it’s just been sooo stressful and part of me feels that an assisted living home would be best now that she sorta knows what’s going on even though she can be super forgetful. But I’m just running thin with the stress and I’m just so unsure…. Help!
Has medication for her depression ever been discussed with her doctor? Meds often are very helpful to both the person suffering and the caregiver.
When you say you've "done a poa for her" did she actually sign the paperwork and understanding what she was signing, in front of witnesses and notary? If not, I'm not sure what you have going is legal. This matters most if you have siblings or other family members who may question your authority.
Does NYS's Medicaid pay for any of AL? I'm asking because many states do not, they only cover LTC and MC). There is an Elderly Waiver federal program you can research that provides resources for those who income qualify.
I would start by getting a formal diagnosis if you haven't already done this. Then contact social services for your county to get an in-home assessment for services. Your mom may be beyond AL at this point, requiring MC instead but she needs to be assessed.
As her DPoA I'm not sure you can transfer the title to her home to yourself, but I may be wrong. This may disqualify or delay her for Medicaid. Locate a Medicaid Planner in your area and invest in a consult so that you don't jump through a bunch of hoops only to have it be for naught. This is what I would do. In the meantime see if you can address her depression with some meds. Also, I highly recommend learning about ALZ and dementia. I learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube, what dementia is, how it affects our LOs and why, and how to better engage with them so that your caregiving is as least-stressful as possible. You have a family and you and they have priority over your mom. If you burn out then who will be there to help your mom? Blessings to you for making such a sacrifice for your mom to this point.
the ideal scenario would be that the house would have been sold and the proceeds used to pay for her care. That would be either caregivers that come in or Assisted Living and an eventual transition to Memory Care. Keep in mind that in AL a person can leave anytime they wish. All they have to do is sign out. So if there is a concern mom would wander off AL would not be a good option.
Very possible that mom also has depression, has she seen a doctor? You can not "cure" a hoarder by cleaning the house. Hoarding is the result/symptom of a mental illness that should be treated.
There will be others well versed in the ins and outs of Medicaid that will chime in on the transfer of the property.
To be frank the time is now or some time ago for me, proving that this is an individual question for an individual caretaker, YOU. Only you can make the decision. I don't know the prognosis on your Mom's diagnosis, but she can live decades more in your good care. Only you can decide when you are ready for this. There is no reason to feel guilt; what you will feel is the other G word which is grief, that this must be the ongoing long ending for your Mom. I am so sorry.
I don't think 5 years of your life is worth a crummy piece of property but, some do.