I am really not sure where to begin. About 3 years ago we discovered that my father had a huge spike in credit card debt. While investigating he insisted he had no idea what had happened so I treated it like identity theft. Several months later my mother discovered she was missing $20K from her bank account which was most of her life savings. My father had apparently taken it from the account and gave it away to online scammers. I attempted to do as much as I can but I have been met with resistance. Fast forward to today and my father finally went through some neurological testing which determined he was bi-polar. At his first psychiatrist appointment he was told you are no bi-polar you are just making bad decisions. I have gone through 3 years of hell and now I do not know where to turn. My parents refuse to accept that it is a mental problem, my father lies about his behavior so I have no idea what to believe. My mother during this time is not acting like herself. I believe she is suffering from depression and possibly something else. She has been talking to herself and I noticed she kept shaking her head the other day and I don't know if it was a twitch or if she was doing it intentionally. I believe they both need some sort of exam but I have no idea where else to go. It also doesn't help that my mother refuses all help because she doesn't want to spend the money. I have no idea what to do....
This is the starting place, hard as it is.
We'd love to have you update us when you can.
Carol
Asked for the money situation though, you'll definitely want to gain guardianship if you don't feel POA or even representative payee would work though in some cases POA or representative payee would work. I don't know if your parents get Social Security or some other income, but you have a huge advantage if they happen to get Social Security because you can report fraud to Social Security because you can tell them that scammers are taking advantage of elders and robbing them blind. Consequences are very serious for people stealing federal money, and you would be in a very good position to become their representative payee if they happen to be getting Social Security. Sometimes elders don't trust anyone to come into their homes for various reasons, and refusing outside help is just a way of protecting themselves due to known vulnerability, and I don't blame them! People take advantage of elders every day and I don't know how much is being done to stop it before it's too late. No sooner then you let a stranger into your home to help out, before you know it something valuable goes missing and I don't blame people for refusing outside help for that reason. Any vulnerable person can be taken advantage of at any age and a now deceased friend who was recently murdered is proof of that. She was only 29 when a mass murderer in our town killed her I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this same person who took advantage of young girls may have also stolen from them, you must be very careful these days and I don't blame anyone for being very leery of even opening the door to strangers because you can't trust just anyone especially these days. If you wonder why some elders become hateful after someone overrides them and their wishes, that's why. One example is when I saw a lady in a state home years ago who was obviously very upset about being there. I'm not sure of the situation, but something obviously happened to her as well because she was very hateful toward anyone who tried to communicate with her. Hindsight is a very good teacher and I can now see why she was hateful. I think that to some degree decisions should be made to gather with the involved party by giving them some say and not just taking over completely as much as absolutely possible. Guardianship may be absolutely perfect for some people who absolutely need it but in other cases all they may need is a representative payee to take over their accounts. Taking control should be done with extreme caution since so many elders suspect money is being stolen by whoever takes over their money and in some cases this is actually true! Having access to extra money is temptation right there, good reason to be very suspicious if someone takes over their money and won't give them money when they ask for it. It's very common to have very serious trust issues when someone takes over your money because unfortunately it takes money to get through life because "there's no free lunch" as the saying goes. People need financial security and stability especially as they age, and anytime someone comes in and takes over your finances, it appears as a big threat to your financial stability and security because it seems like the person taking over your finances is really taking it away from you, and in some cases this suspicion actually turns out to be true. Looking at the case with my foster dad before a guardian took over, I now see why he stayed alone most of the time, he was protecting himself. The pieces didn't come together until later on down the road when I started realizing things I didn't know before. As things unfolded, I started realizing more and more why he was really staying alone, he was self preserving by not letting anyone close to him. His goal was to live at home until he died, he wanted to die at home. Staying alone most of the time was his way of preventing anyone from discove
An elder law consult is also a good idea, but it may be best to find out what you're dealing with medically first. Good luck!
I assume you work full-time. Even the most flexible employers grow weary of the "caregiver skedaddle." And it's not just doctor's appointments that only happen during business hours. It's banking and finance, insurance issues, lawyer visits, etc.
Approach your HR department and request an application for Intermittent FMLA. Now. A portion of the application will need to be completed by your parents' doctor. Many folks are unaware of Intermittent FMLA. It's just what it sounds like. You can take a batch of unpaid work days, individual days or hourly increments as needed for caregiving. With minimal notice, if the situation does not allow for fair warning. And these absences are NOT factored into your attendance stats or performance evaluation.
If your parents' current diagnoses are not severe enough for your HR department to approve Intermittent FMLA for you, that's (yet another) reason why your parents warrant further medical and neurological evaluation.
In the meantime, do what you can for your parents with vacation time, sick time and scheduled time off. And as out-of-control as your parents seem right now, try to hold back a little bit.....so you have some personal resources left for the next surprise or escalation.
Try like heck to get medical and financial POA for your parents -- if you are not already. Of course, there's this little obstacle: your parents make bad decisions. Be as persuasive as you can be. But remain open to the fact that they might crash and burn without ever giving you official capacity to intervene.
I was in your situation a while ago. The trainwreck was not financially dire, thank heavens. But EVERYTHING my mother did was driven by impaired reasoning, self-neglect and odd paranoias. Because of this, she rejected all of my common-sense suggestions. Therefore, no doctoring and no diagnosis for her. And no DPOA, no health-care proxy and no executor status for me. (I am her only living adult child.)
Mom only accepted my help in the form of helping her pay bills (out of her accounts) and making sure she had enough to eat (again, her funds). And select odds and ends around the house. In short, Mom dug in, rejected every idea that wasn't hers and kept her so-called independence. At the expense of my free time, my sanity and my constant -- and ultimately fruitless -- research on how to handle every possible upcoming scenario.....when I'm not authorized to handle any of it.
Oh, one exception. A funeral home will take anyone's money. I footed the bill for mom's funeral while her outdated, uninvolved and somewhat surprised executor -- who lives 6 hours away and hadn't seen mom in nearly 15 years -- was struggling to gather everything he needed to open mom's estate and assume fiduciary responsibilities. (I was reimbursed as quickly as the mess would allow. But it still smarts.)
Best of luck to you. When you present your ideas to your parents, put a positive spin on them. Be hopeful. At the same time, don't be surprised if what makes sense to you (and the whole wide world and the legal community) does not fly with your parents. These are rough years.
Make appointments & take parents even if you pay for first one - this can give you a proper diagnosis to deal with - guessing is just conjecture & much better to know exactly what is going on - don't they have any insurance?
Consult another Doctor other than the first one you father saw.
Always good to get a second opinion anyway.
I have gone to several seminars near where I live and I have heard a NeuroPsychologist talk. I think if I were to have heard this doctor when my husband was first diagnosed I would have taken my husband to see him. A neuropsychologist works with a neurologist to work on a treatment plan. Working together seems to be the key. (he told of one gentleman that had been to a neurologist and he had been diagnosed with dementia. The family had obtained Guardianship for this man, so all his "rights" were taken from him. After this neuropsychologist started the exam he determined that the man was very hard of hearing. So all the questions the neurologist had asked the man could not answer at all or correctly. This brings back the point that you should have a second opinion...)
Your Mom may very well be suffering from depression.
You might want to try to put an alert on your fathers accounts.
And you might want to consult an Elder Lawyer so that you can get some protection for your Mom. It may be determined that your Father is not competent and you or someone will have to become his Guardian.
As far as the doctor costing money and your Mom worried about that, we all want to save money but when it comes to our health and or safety now is not the time to pinch pennies. If she had a high fever, twisted her ankle, sliced her hand open, found a lump on her breast would she go to the doctor? We take care of the physical because that is what we see. We have to take care of the mind as well. "We" all need to accept that the mind is another part of the body that needs to be cared for. The stigma of having something "wrong" with the brain needs to go away. Education and acceptance is the only way that will happen.