I have been my mother’s main support for over 7 years, since our father passed away. Mom was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis when she was 63, 9 years ago. Our father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when he was 62 and passed away in early 2017. My mom has slowly gotten worse until 3 years ago when she became totally oxygen dependent. This was when she was hospitalized for 2 weeks and diagnosed with congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension, in addition. Not to mention, a couple of years before that she had a pacemaker implanted. Her total oxygen dependency has brought long periods of good days with sudden declines. But specifically every fall. Last year in the fall, while being hospitalized for a week, she was told that they believe she also has farmer’s lung. This time she had to move in with us. For 5 years, she had lived at the back of our farm in an older house that doctors felt was probably not bust for her allergies. Mom needs a very clean environment, is allergic to dogs, etc. My mother never smoked but was raised in a home of what she calls “chain” smokers. My heart hurts for her as she’s the energizer bunny who loves to go go go. She can no longer drive but it’s as though she gets depressed if she doesn’t go. She went to the cemetery every day until she could no longer driver herself. I have done everything I can to try to make her last years & days as good as I possibly can. Mom lives in our master bedroom and we moved downstairs in the basement. I take her somewhere at least once a week and to as many of her doctor appts as possible. I stay with her for long hours at the ER and then every night when she’s hospitalized. At the same time, I am a business owner of a real estate firm and manage almost 160 units. I also manage a team and sales. I’m constantly working in one way or the other and totally exhausted. My children were 14 & 16 when I took on the responsibility of being my mom’s main support. They are now 22 & 24. I feel that it’s been good for them to see what it means to care and serve and they’ve both helped greatly as well. But at the same time, I feel that I’ve had to give away some of what was supposed to go to them. My husband I feel sandwiched with caring for two generations with needs from us, although different. My mom is a beautiful person, inside and out. I have no complaints about her motherhood. She was and is the shining example of unconditional love. But I have realized that my mother is probably ADHD and very impatient. If she wants to schedule a pickup order, she does and doesn’t ask when a good time to pickup is and she believes she should attend these grocery pickups, her dog’s grooming appts, etc. I always feel guilt if my daughter and I go to a movie without her, even though taking her means much more planning, much more time allowance and an episode of oxygen depletion because she won’t slow down, she won’t stop taking while walking, she wants to appear to others as independent as possible, etc. I want to take her places and I want her happy, but I am exhausted much of the time and want some one on one time with all my family members. She is still the “host” of or family holidays and gatherings, yet it’s at my house and my husband, children and I do all the work. Our gatherings are from 30-50 people as she now has great grands too. We are a large family and it’s like a family reunion at our house. People are welcome to visit at any time, but they are all very clueless snout her needs as she pretends to all of them that she’s fine, until they witness her oxygen depletion. But she literally tries to pick up great grands and they let her. My brothers rarely help and when they come, it’s typically for a nice visit. They feel their lives are more demanding than mine and carry on life as normal while mine has been changed for over 7 years now. My aunt is a tremendous help but she does way too much. I deal with a lot of guilt, sadness & anger. How do I remain healthy
This is your home , not your mother’s.
No guilt , you have done nothing wrong .
You can say “ No” .
I like “ No I won’t be able to “
“ No that is not possible “.
You can go out with out her whenever you want . You can even Fib about where you are going . Or you can tell her that a caregiver needs breaks and alone time .
Another option is if Mom can afford it , is to suggest senior living where she can socialize with others her age , or adult daycare senior centers .
It is important to get exercise , sleep , eat well . Take breaks . You can have Mom go to respite care and go on vacation with your husband , and children .
When you decide you no longer can ( or no longer want to ) be a full time caregiver , you need to tell Mom that you can no longer provide the care she needs and that other options will need to be enlisted . Part time home care coming into the house , or placement in a senior facility .
And btw , you have enough on your plate . I would scale down the family parties . If anyone balks ( including your mother ) tell them you are too tired , you have a full plate .
My family expected me to keep hosting as well whenever my siblings came to visit . I was fed up . I eventually totally stopped hosting . My husband told me that when my siblings come, tell them , it’s my day off and they will have to feed my parents .
This year announce to your family that you will not be hosting the holidays ( per your doctor’s orders ) due to being exhausted , and that they are welcome to come visit Mom and bring her a plate to eat . And yes my doctor told me to do this .
Big family gatherings can be held in the nearest town hall or church basement with everyone bringing food and pitching in - that's what a lot of big families in my area do. And it seems to me that a woman with 50 relatives should also have lots of helpers available that aren't you, maybe it's time to make use of them.
If going to a movie with your daughter throws you into a session of inappropriate guilt, given all of the above? Then I am truly worried for you, and clearly you, yourself, recognize that this is worth worrying about.
I think that a few counseling sessions with a therapist (a good one, none of this online nonsense) may help you come to a more realistic view of what human limitations are, and about why they must be honored.
I wish you the very best.