I currently take care of my 93 year old mother who continuously reminds me never to put her in a nursing home. She has manipulated mostly me and my father when he was living and as a result has gotten her own way throughout the years. Now she's laying it on heavy with me and I feel it will worsen as she continues to age. She has mild Dementia but is still able to walk short distances and take care of her toileting needs. She likes big dinners which I begrudginly cook every night. The main issue I'm concerned with is who in the community could I go to that would have leverage in getting her into a facility without my intervention? I ask this because she would never forgive me if I were to make the arrangements and leave her. I have tried everything I can think of to convince her she needs to be around people in her age group for company as well as being able to attend social events planned by the facility. She says I'm trying to get rid of her and throw her away. This has caused me much grief and depression. Sometimes I feel like leaving the house and letting her fend forself for a day so she would be more appreciative and grateful for what I'm doing for her 24/7. I know there is no easy answer but I fear burnout and need ways to escape from her demands and manipulation tactics. I am totally alone in this as my brother and his family want nothing to do with her care. I almost at the end of my rope.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-mother-who-thinks-i-owe-her-for-the-time-she-took-care-of-me-448654.htm
So I can understand your Mom not wanting to go to such a place. Has your Mom had a chance to visit today's assisted living/nursing homes? So many of them are more like staying at a hotel, restaurant style dining with menus, etc. Heck, I wanted to sign up for myself :)
He also mentioned these facilities routinely keep residents who are there just for rehab, so that they can make as much money off of them as they can.
My mother had to make the decision to put her mother in one. OOOOHHH my goodness my Grandma was not happy about it. She said she would never forgive. But it had to be done. She soon found a friend and was happy. We all visited her during the week and weekends and sometimes a visitor would show up and she would be busy with other things so that was great! Grandma got worse and had to be moved twice before she got to the point of not being able to care for herself I believe it was about five years. But we visited her and when she died we were there.
Blessings
hgnhgn
So to start I suggest you get her doctor involved. Especially if she has a doctor she has known for a while and trusts. Many offices that have a large number of senior patients or specialize in elder care at all will have a point person for just this sort of thing, finding specific services and or living situations and a list of places they know and trust. At the very least they should be able to point you in the right direction and most importantly her doctor can take some of the responsibility for bringing up and pushing for her to get more care than you are able to provide. Perhaps a discussion even that includes and mom with the doctor (this could happen at a regular visit when the doctor is checking in on things after you have given them a private heads up prior to the appointment) where the doctor or care coordinator ask you directly about your physical health and ability to do certain tasks. You will need to be overly honest, I think from your other post I remember that you have health issues that are making care giving more difficult for you, you need to share that and not back away from any suggestion that it may cause an unsafe situation for mom and you. This way you can "want" to be able to continue caring for her at home on your own but the professionals are saying it's a bad idea. You could even say that your doctor has been expressing concern about the wear on your body but you have been trying to put off that conversation....however extensive the first conversation gets set it up ahead of time so it's the doctor prodding and getting to the nitty gritty not you.
The other thing that could start this is if the doctor or some other professional decides to order an evaluation of the set up at home, this happens often when heading home from a hospital stay but a doctor can order it anytime too. Then when they come out to evaluate leave mom to her own devices more, don't bail her out or commit to more care and supervision then you can really maintain, be honest again about your physical limitations. This may or may not work, their bar isn't always that high and mom might convince them you will do more than you really should be at this point but if a discussion in the doctors office doesn't get the ball rolling with mom on board, reluctantly perhaps but on board, it's worth a shot or maybe even as back up.
Your brother may not be very involved but will he back you up? Might he come and help either present the new situation/needs with you or do it himself with mom... "I'm concerned about the living situation, I know EssieMarie is doing all she can to keep you here but I know it's taking more of a toll on her health than she's admitting and I don't think that's good or safe for either of you. I really think we need to look at other living options..."
The other places to look for options are your local Agency on Aging or equivalent, they will have a list of facilities but more importantly they should be able to steer you to a social worker who can help the whole process. But if mom doesn't pick up on what needs to happen and it not being your "fault" with any of these approaches you will have to be firm about after talking with your doctor it's become clear that you can't be her primary caregiver and have her living with you anymore. It simply isn't safe for either of you because of both your heath and hers so it's time to figure out where the best place is for her...
This is never easy but I can't imagine how much harder, more miserable it must be for you with your mom's total lack of self responsibility or concern for you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.