I am taking care of my mother as a live in care taker. Lately I seem to be short tempered with my mom and everyone else. My mom just recently stopped being ambulatory and I am now having to help her to her pity chair and practically do everything for her. I just want her to get better and seem to lose my patience with her easily. I don't want to be like this I feel so guilty. I know it is not her fault but I can't seem to control my anger. I have never hit my mom and never would the problem is I think I am mad at her for leaving me. I am an only child and her siblings have not offered to help with her I feel trapped and all alone I just don't know what to do. Can someone help me? Any advise will be appreciated.
You need to find a way to carve out some time for yourself, and not just an hour spent running to the store. Figure out a way to get a block of time, at least 3 hours, once a week to go do something just for you, go for walks, see a movie, go to the spa, chill out with friends or whatever you enjoy.
Try to find some time for your needs every day as well, even if it is just a half hour of peace while you have your morning coffee. Don't spend the time thinking and planning for mom!
And keep coming here to vent and get advice, it is wonderful to have others who get where you are coming from!
I know how you feel. I live 600 miles from my folks and I go down regularly and stay with them, clean, fix, doc appt, food, cook, argue, beg, lie steal, anything to get them to deal with obvious problems like getting the filthy carpet cleaned.
By the time I get home I'm a serious, mean and nasty basket case. It takes me a week to get back to normal. I cannot imagine living with them. I applaud people who can do this but I would end up in a mental institution.
I would at least consider the options, whether it's getting help to come into the home on a daily basis or placing mom at at place they have shifts of people who can attend to her needs. You can always visit and then you would have more energy and be refreshed enough to offer her lots of emotional support.
What does your mom say about it? Will she agree to go? I couldn't tell from your post if she has dementia or not.
You can get a lot of support and information from sites like this. If you read the various threads and articles, you'll see how solo care for a person who needs all things done for them is a huge responsibility and isn't really feasible for one person. You can read personal stories of how others have dealt with it. I hope you get some help.
Something that was very bad about the anger was that it made my blood pressure higher and made it hard to fall asleep at night. That was when the anger was at its worst. I knew I had to make myself quit being so angry. Anger is an emotion that you can control through self soothing. Self soothing is mainly through thoughts that calm you and the way you look at things. Exercise and focusing on your physical well being help a lot, too.
I do get the feeling that having help come in would be the biggest aid to you. Could your mother afford to hire someone at least part time to help? Could you hire a housekeeper to take care of that worry? Or a caregiver companion during the day so you can get away for a while? It may be even better to consider assisted living or a nursing home, since extensive home care cost can be quite high.
I know what you're going through. You do have to get your anger down right away, because it is like a cancer that will eat you up inside. Deep breathing, self soothing, and exercise can help right away while you're working through this. It may help to get a blood pressure cuff so you can see what the anger is doing to you and see what helps bring it (and your pulse rate) down.Then work on the problems that are creating the anger by looking for help with your mother. Neither of you asked for this circumstance, but it is here. You need to find a way to handle it for the long term that doesn't take so much out of you.
It can also help to talk about it on the group. We know what you're going through. Caregiving has such a big effect on our mental and physical health. We have to find ways to take care of ourselves while caring for someone else.
Do you know what your mom is capable of doing? What is her diagnosis? What are her disabilities? You say she can no longer walk. Is she mentally disabled too? If you can get answers about her diagnosis and prognosis, perhaps it would eliminate the frustration you have about her condition.
See All Answers