Why am I so angry?

thinks fracamile is spam

I agree with those people saying they won't miss their mom. If I could have a conversation with my mom like I do with my MIL, I'd miss that, but I haven't had a real conversation or even a day that doesn't involve walking on eggshells for more than a decade. If she weren't family, I would have stopped talking to her years ago. Oddly, I once asked her, when she refused to consider a hearing aid, didn't she want to hear her loved ones, what they had to say. Her response was all people did was complain and be negative. Now, if she talks to strangers she's all cheery and happy and sweet. As soon as they leave, she'll go on the most negative streak you can imagine. If someone has cancer or has a heart attack, her take to me is "big deal" with her rolling her eyes, followed by, "what? do they want to live forever?" Or she complains about money or the prices of things or how someone is plotting against her, or she thinks her neighbor is a prostitute or whatever. It's just one negative thing or another. Then if I show the slightest amount of disinterest or impatience, I get it thrown in my face that I'm a nasty and hostile person! So, this version of my mother: No, I don't want her. I won't miss that.

Thank you all for your comments. I was really getting desperate for someone to talk to. As I said in my original comment, in Iowa there is no local case workers you can go and talk to. The trained social workers are for girls on ADC. For us with family in nursing homes, the state has hired people off the street who just go by the rules and will not respond to any questions or problems you may have.

As far as what my husband has been doing with the money....he says he hates the food at the facility (even though he used to say he loved it and they have the same cooks as they did 4 yrs ago) so he has me bring down frozen entrees and he is allowed to sign himself out (the facility is in a tiny little farm community, about 10 miles from a main highway) and go to the local Dairy Barn restaurant on his motorized chair. Staff also will pick him up food on their way to work. We have argued in the past about his need to "eat out", but as it has been mentioned, he is very willful. I have his parents to blame for that. He was raised that he only needs to do what he wants. If it is too hard or he just doesn't want to do it, then don't do it.

I have been seriously thinking about a divorce lately. I have spoken to my mother and she has invited me to move to her house and store my things in her basement until I find a place of my own. I am taking care of my younger stepson's boxer...he works in other states doing construction. If I just move, the dog won't have a place to go, and I don't want my stepson to have to give him up. We gave away a dog to a couple who were really good, but their neighbor's son killed the dog by chasing it down with his pickup for the fun of it (this is a whole other story!!!) So I couldn't face that happening again in any form. I've decided to start planning, though, and get my ducks in a row.

ok I give up pc playing up it would have ended lady sings the blues

My mother left me some time back
It was sad to see her leave
Sadder to know shes not coming back
Despite the stories we weave
She never was a loving mum
I loved her but never liked her sadly
You're far too fat have you seen your bum
Shed say and say it gladly
If she was unpleasant before
Shes far worse now and yes Im angry too
And when somewhen says youll miss her
I say I already do
They look confused and think Im wrong
But they have never walked in my shoes
And if I had to pick a song to sing

My mother left me some time back
It was sad to see her leave
Sadder to know shes not coming back
Despite the stories we weave
She never was a loving mum
I loved her but never liked her sadly
You're far too fat have you seen your bum
Shed say and say it gladly
If she was unpleasant before

endofrope, yes those wonderful commercials that make it sound like aging in place is so great, or moving in with grown children is like the Waltons. Everything is sunshine and roses, and how about a game of Scrabble. Gee, the parent in these commercials look younger than I am :P

I read each & every word. I feel so much better. I too do not like hearing how I will miss my Mother. I just don't see that happening. I visited more than one therapist to help with my relationship with my mother. I received the last counselor's permission to never have contact with her ever again. I think you all (most of you) understand what I mean by permission. My mother has always been abusive. Her father like ved to his mid-nineties. She is not yet 80. I hate that I dread putting up with so many more years of abuse. Oh, she is emotionally & verbally abuse to my grown children. I was upset after something that happened with my (now) mother-in-law & Mom asked if I would take care of her when she got old & not even a second elapsed prior to my NO!

so many people I know say,"just be glad she is still around, she will be gone one day and you will be missing her". I can't share my true feelings with any one! I already miss my "mom". the person that was around when I was growing up, Not this whinning, complaining, negative, nasty, person that I am caring for now, I will not be missing this person when she is gone. thank you

I'm angry when I see commercials where the elderly in them are depicted as loving, caring individuals with a mind. They need to show poop smeared down the hallway walls, being asked the same question 76 times in 2 hours, and the ever popular sneaking out of bed at 3am to unload the freezer and hide all the washcloths in the house....... ummm...... yes I have a tad bit of anger ;P

Dear Desperate - Get a good family law attorney...and get yourself out. He is in a place where he can get the care he needs. And the reason they say he can have $50 is they really don't think they should have more. Doesn't like the food...too bad, he will get used to it or find a way around the food when he is hungry. Sounds like a few of his filters were also damaged in the stroke...and may not have been strong prior too it. He is in a place where he can get care, cut back on your visits and get away. I would change my phone number and let the nursing home know that he is NOT to phone you. Or delete the messages when you see they have come from his number or the nursing home, etc.

I just wrote a great and thoughtful response and forgot to hit submit....now THAT makes me angry.

Kimber, I just googled and found the commercial on You-tube. It was so right.

Wow! Nice to know that other are angry too. My mother is only 68 and I am 48. I feel like I have been caring for her my whole life. I am very angry a lot. Then I feel guilty for being angry. Has anyone seen the commercial for aarp/caregivers where they are caring for there parents and screaming at the top of there lungs. That about sums it up.

You have a job. You divorce and get a place to live. If he's on Medicaid, they will get the house in the end anyway. Is it in his name? Then it's his asset. Let his brother be poa.

I'm sorry for your troubles. I believe it's time to cut your ties to this abusive situation. He doesn't deserve you.

Desperate iniowa, Your story sounds horrific....... please take photos of the messages he leaves on the ph for later problems. I am guessing the stroke has made his macho worse.. and having come from a mild but toxic relationship I later found out where the money my ex was sending it....... to his mother and his many ladyfriends. I also having worked in rest homes have difficulty wondering where the money goes. and think that you should give the $50/month to the rest home to have to give him for the barber, the outing, the whatever.. and cut your ties with him.. that way he cannot ask for more money. from YOU..
Please get yourself a new life, I don't know how and hope someone on here can give you links. you are not the rat leaving the sinking ship, you are a person who deserves better. And if someone does bring him home then just ignore him. it sounds like he had the ability to regain independence and blew it. Call that someone, and tell them he is their responsibility. Also inform the rest home, of his abuse and blackmail, and how you have no way of coping. so not to organise his discharge at his whim.

desperateiniowa, your situation sounds terrible. I wouldn't blame you if you changed your phone number and never visited again. He is putting you through so much stress with his bullying and willfulness. He seems to be on a self-destructive course and wants to take everyone with him. What does he do with the extra money? Buy food? Gamble with other residents? I'm having a hard time figuring out how someone in a NH could spend a lot of money, but then I'm not familiar with all types of NHs. I just hope they don't throw him out. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. This is one of the worst situations I've heard. It's sad when we have to put up a wall of defenses to keep our own spouse away.

His younger son sounds like a blessing.

In 2011 my husband, then 60, had a stroke. He had always been a macho, "I live by my own rules" guy. Now he is in a nursing home because he refused to do his therapy ("they aren't following MY instructions on how my therapy should be done"). He now weighs over 400 lbs., has no use of his left arm, and has had the left foot and part of the leg amputated because of diabetes...they also were affected by the stroke. He has been in several nursing homes and even a program at a local hospital where the therapy is intense for quick recovery from strokes and head injuries. As he failed each facility's therapy program and had to be moved, I would get hugs from the staff and told he was a very difficult patient and they would be praying for me. We tried to bring him home the first year and had therapists come to our home. His younger son, who works construction, took time off to help. My husband had his son working around the clock taking care of him, but nothing either one of us did was good enough and one day my husband said he wished he could go to a nursing home because he got better care. His physical therapist told us she thought he needed to be in a facility because we were too good to him and he was refusing to do simple things he could do when he had come home.
So now he is in a facility he had once said he loved and now he hates. We have applied at 15 other facilities within 30 miles of home and none will accept him.
His attitude is so bad neither one of his sons want to go see him or even call him.
On top of everything else, my husband thinks he should have money...and lots of it...there in the nursing home. Before the stroke, no matter how hard I saved my money, he was always going in and withdrawing it. If I hid money, he would go through the whole house while I was at work, find the money, and spend it, but refuse to tell me what he spent it on. The $50.00 I am to spend on him, per the state every month, I bring down to him in cash plus, out of the money I am allowed to keep out of my paycheck, I buy him food (he refuses to eat the nursing home's food) and everything else he needs. His younger son gives him money too. But it isn't enough for him. He wants me to give him part of my tax refund and thinks is son should give him more money.
My husband is constantly calling me and threatening me with divorce or having his brother take over as power of attorney. And he keeps telling me he knows someone who has promised to bring him home and drop him off so I HAVE to keep him at home. I work and also have a mother who, though she is at home yet, needs me to watch over her, take her to her appointments, and do things for her.
I dread going to see my husband or talking to him on the phone because it is always the same arguments. We can't have a nice, relaxing conversation...just going over the same topics of why I can't bring him home, why I can't give him a lot of money, and then his threats.
I have a very stressful job and when I am home need to be able to un-wind and relax. The only way is to turn off my phone but then when I turn it back on there are multiple angry voicemails from him, threatening me, or the nursing home needing to speak to me about how bad my husband is acting.
I'm sorry to say, but I can not honestly say I love my husband anymore. There is nothing to love. I have spoken to my attorney and asked if a divorce on my end is an option. He said I should stick with it since I would lose my house, which I have always been the one who made the payment out of my paycheck.
I want out. I want a new start. I have no social life because I don't have time between dealing with my husband, my mom, my home (inside and outside), and my job.
I wish I had someone to talk to who knows the legal and social ins and outs of my situation. My state does not have local case workers who I can speak to. All the elderly case workers are on the other side of the state and only deal with state's paperwork, no counseling, no giving legal advise. The elderly and their caregivers are on their own.

I feel the same way I feel like I have a death wish and the next person to cross me may be it. It could be there's and mine at the same time. I'm so tired of this mess and I have done everything right.

I have a 6-page form to fill out for my mother's Tuesday appointment. What really bothers me about all this paperwork is that as far as I can tell, the doctor doesn't even look at it before seeing the patient.

Yes!!!I agree. I always have an updated med list. Answering aall those health questions again is a pain.

Happiness is a doctor's office that will hand you an already printed form of information for your Mom and/or Dad, asking just to review it and mark any changes... what a relief :)

Jessie Belle, No Im part of the commonwealth so down in New Zealand, only 4.2million population but a very good man back early in the 20th century believed in socialism and helping and supporting those in their need.
In the 1980s, the idea of a compulsory pension saving plan was started but then cancelled when the next govt came into power. today the elderly would be rich, if that had been continued.
Today our rest homes are run by private commercial syndicates or business, but under contract to the local hospital board. Too many complaints and they lose their licence.
It must be hard when children are no longer leaving home when they turn 18, when both parents need to be out working, and the elders are living longer, OK for those in good health, but the moment one system fails its all down hill.

LynneMK, current EMR techonology varies tremendously in how good it is and whether it ha any value at all to anyone besides the people who sold it to the hospital. A lot of health care people hate them and will not take the time to see if they can make them behave and come up with data that they are supposed to. I find I prefer a moderately bad day with an EMR to a good day with paper, but it can still be miserable, errors get perpetuated, some places have more than one system which does not auto update in one when you fix the other...any number of messes are possible. I did several documents reflecting my mom's special needs and meds with emphasis on things that were out of the ordinary, handed them out like candy AND posted at bedside - they usually, but not always worked. There is no true substitute for having someone who cares about you by your side, as you have noticed!!

It is amazing in this electronic age how our verbal information is still valued yet we have to repeat it again and again to everyone we meet in the hospital or daily care nurses Cn's etc. Our hospitals the techs, nurses, doctors etc go around with their computers but yet we have to update each floor that they seem to keep moving the patients too. Why can't they have it in their systems already must we go over it again and again. Suppose it keeps errors from happening but, we our failable also, what do the poor soles who can hardly speak who have no family to speak for them do? Our anger is only enhanced by our frustration of waiting so long for things to happen in a system that is only benefiting the hospitals.

Thanks for the tip Good Girl3 - I will check it out...

As I read through the description of getting a parent or parents anywhere and then finding that you have a long form to update or something...Medicare requires electronic records but most dr. offices don't accept electronic information. I have my mom's cards scanned in to my phone...but they can't take that. i print out a colored copy but the only scanned they have access too is one that can only scan a 3 X 5 card...really??? I have all of her meds on a single sheet which I update and print before each appointment. It lists all of her doctors and their contact information....I guess I need to do the "past surgeries and hospitalizations" and list of conditions that I can pin to all the forms...

Does anyone find themselves mumbling a lot? I know mom can't hear me...what if she gets a hearing aid...I wonder if that will stop this bad habit. I know I was not happy with the kids if/when they mumbled.

Our parents are angry because they have lost control over their lives and likewise, we are angry because we have lost control over our lives - either by choice or circumstance. Often I think I am angry because I got myself into this...and can't seem to get out...

I'll keep you caregivers struggling with anger, like myself, in my prayers...

Glass Half Ful.

I think you have it right "Stress and depression can be the underlying cause of the anger". Have you read the 5 stages of loss and grieving. Even if your parents aren't gone but you can see it coming you could be grieving I think. Here is what is said about anger. "Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us."

Frequent Flyer.

I know what you mean when you say that your parents don't understand how their decisions affect you. My mother wants to stay home and I just got done caring for my father at home. She tells me her kids will have to clean her house. It is very hard. I just will say when I was caring for my father. I wanted to help him so much but I was so sad about his short prognosis and had such stress that I had to find a balance and run, run, run. Sometime I was almost brought to tears on the treadmill but exercise helps. And it made me stronger so I could walk him transfer him and care for him and my young daughter at once. Your parents can't help their condition. Just enjoy their presence. They wont be there one day and then it's very hard.

Golden Girl.

I know your irritated now with caring for your mother and losing your freedom. I too cared for my father and it was a lot of work. He died a year ago and I may have had to focus on him for a year but I don't regret it for a second. You can always go to Hardees but it will be a sad day when you mother is gone and you just treasure the time you have with her. Ask her about herself and you heritage and family stories and history, learn wisdom from her. It is worth it I tell you.

Golden Girl.

I know your irritated now with caring for your mother and losing your freedom. I too cared for my father and it was a lot of work. He died a year ago and I may have had to focus on him for a year but I don't regret it for a second. You can always go to Hardees but it will be a sad day when you mother is gone and you just treasure the time you have with her. Ask her about herself and you heritage and family stories and history, learn wisdom from her. It is worth it I tell you.