She has dementia. I moved in with my grandparents to help with my grandfather who had Alzheimer's disease. When he passed away, I moved my grandmother in with me. I have no siblings, children, parents, significant other or friends. I took a leave of absence from work. I'm drowning in debt, depression, and guilt. I have a lot of patience. Teaching middle school for 22yrs. helps. Yet, I still get so angry, internally, with my grandmother. She is argumentative, stubborn, mean, etc. It's not the grandmother I grew up with but the disease. I know this so why can't I stop the anger and frustration. It breaks my heart watching her try to remember things or do things. She was a strong, independent woman especially for her time. I love her so much. I am blessed to still have her in my life at 91 years old. She has a "son" who does nothing to help. He is critical and cruel. Yet she takes it from him and checks her phone numerous times a day to see when he last called. Waiting for him to call again. HELP!
In the meantime, she will do best with a consistent routine. She will come to rely on it to know "what" will happen next when the world may seem confusing to her.
It may help to review Dr. Kubler-Ross's stages of loss.
Stage 1 - Denial - a feeling that the change is temporary or unreal.
Stage 2 - Anger - a feeling of "being cheated" or that this is unfair.
Stage 3 - Bargaining - ineffective actions to try to bring things back to the way things were before.
Stage 4 - Depression - feelings of sadness and regret
Stage 5 - finding peace in the current situation
Let me start off by saying you're a wonderful person and your grandmother is lucky to have you. Never say never though. Sometimes there's no choice but to put a person in a care facility.
You say that she has a son who is critical and cruel to her, yet she's able to keep her behavior in check with him. So she isn't as far gone with dementia as maybe you think.
I've been a caregiver to more elders with dementia then I can count. One thing that I learned over the years, is that many elders with dementia will abuse their caregivers, but are able to keep it in check around other people. This is when boundaries must be established and reinforced with the elder. No one has to tolerate abuse.
When she is being stubborn, argumentative, and mean you get up close, look her straight in the eye and tell her loudly and firmly that she will not treat you in such a way. They walk away and completely ignore her. You must set boundaries and learn to ignore with love if you're planning on keeping her with you at home.
If you're "drowning in debt" she needs an alternate living situation ASAP or you'll destroy your own future and be completely screwed when she passes.
Put her in a Nursing Home or Memory Care.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job but are on overload. I think you should create a dialogue with her son informing him how she’s really doing, how you need more help with her, and how much she misses him. He needs to know. Perhaps he can help financially (as he should) with contributing towards more local help. If funds aren’t available from Gram or her son, apply to Medicaid for in home care. You need a break.
Please stay on this site as a source of information and support. God bless you!
You mentioned that your grandmother goes to a senior center a couple of times a week. Most senior centers have staff on hand to discuss exactly what you're dealing with. They may even be able to help you find a good facility and talk to you about managing finances (many help fill out Medicaid applications with you).
What ever you do, please know that you are not alone in your feelings of anger. Many of us caregivers cope with these difficult emotions. My counselor tells me to "put your anger and worry to work." In other words, use those emotions to help move you to actions that are productive. Please know that many here understand and support you.
You can also let the son know that you need one day a week off and the whole weekend off Every month so you do not get Burn Out.
Either he can take care of mom himself during those times or he can hire someone to do the shifts.
You sound as though you need to share the burden of caring a bit more and make sure you get time to yourself.
You are doing your best. Try not to take offense at what she may say or do. It is the illness talking!
Good luck!
The first thing I'd like to say is to take it easy on yourself. Caregiving takes such a toll on us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Your story rings so true for me. I have had my 96 year old mother living with me for the last year and a half. She does not have dementia but she can be very difficult to deal with. She too was once very independent so we often butt heads.
All that you are feeling is so normal. No doubt you love your Grandmother and are doing everything you can to care for her and keep her safe and comfortable. We caregivers give so much of ourselves that we are often left with resentment, anger, frustration and then guilt because we feel these things. We tend to put others before ourselves and at the same time expect so much from ourselves. We need care too.
I waited for my sister to step in and give more of her time. I finally realized she wasn't going to do as much as I wanted her to. Try spending what energy you have finding some outside help. Walking this journey alone is too difficult. I think you will feel so much better when you get skilled help to take some of the burden off.
God Bless you. You are no alone.
Could you list the nursing homes you visited that don't stink like urine and crap and are not depressing?
I've been in many nursing homes and have yet to find the one you're talking about. Where is it?
I'm sure there must be establishments like the ones you speak of but unfortunately most people aren't millionaires who can afford such lovely places.
https://lcca.com/locations/co/hallmark/
When she runs out of $$ to private pay in the Memory Care ALF she's living in now, I'm going to place her there and apply for Medicaid. Not 'all' SNFs are horrible places, that's a fact.
If it is you I I would start to apply for your state’s Medicade.
It is a (at least in my instance) long difficult process. Then once you see what she is eligible for you can see about placement options. You will not be able to continue at this pace. Eventually it is TO MUCH WORK for one person. That is physically, mentally and financially.
In addition if she qualifies for Medicade she would probably qualify for In Home Supportive Services and you could get paid for some of the stuff you do for her. This would require an additional application for you both. It takes a little sting out of carrying the load if you get a bit of compensation and it helps you both.
Good luck.
You say the rehab your mother was in for three weeks was very nice and clean with no urine or crap smell. I believe that.
Rehab areas (also known as sub-acute) that are short-term stay are often very nice. The one my father was in for rehab was decent too.
What does the long-term part of the facility look like? My aunt is currently in the 'memory care' floor of the same facility my father did his rehab at and it's absolutely disgusting. When my father was downgraded from rehab (insurance stopped paying) to room and board Custodial Care, it was absolutely disgusting. We moved him to another facility for room and board care that was better but not by much.
If all the areas of the facility your mom was in are as nice as you say, then it's a good place. They are rare though.