I don't understand why my mom, 82, widowed, refuses to make changes that would help her stay in her home and be more comfortable and a little bit safer. She has plenty of money, and even if she didn't, I could help her financially.
Her mattress is more than 50 years old (but my late father slept there, and so it must stay, shrine-like). She won't let us move her washer and dryer out of the basement or convert the den into a first-floor bedroom (her house has 10 rooms and she lives alone). She won't use a cane...just grabs onto the backs of chairs and walls to steady herself. She often doesn't wear her hearing aids. She hates the chair she sits in every night and b*****s about it (my sister bought it for her and has offered to replace it, but Mom won't let her).
Why? I don't get it! She is so uncomfortable in her own skin and house. She refuses to move but also hates that the house needs work (it'll be a total tear down after she dies…poor construction and a money pit). In a nutshell, she won't do anything intelligent to stave off a disaster. My guess is she'll die at the bottom of the stairs because she didn't want to admit she shouldn't be using them.
I just hope and pray (and plan!) not to follow in her footsteps. She is my second job, and I HAVE a fulltime job! I would never torture my kids with worry and stupid choices the way she has to my sister and me. It's totally degraded our relationship to the point where I want to scream. I know it's awful, but I hope she passes away sooner rather than later, because every day, there's some flailing on her part that could be avoided with just a teeny bit of common sense or acknowledgement that she's not 40 anymore. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GETTING OLDER! But why be so STUPID about it???
Okay, venting is over. Thanks, forum.
I know that some parents feel like their children should lay down their lives for them but I'm not sure if that is true for others who just may be locked so tightly in their own little world of fear, they no longer see or care what it is doing to their children.
Doesn't really give you an answer to the problem but it's just my thoughts of having observed residents and family members for over 10 years as an Administrator and reflecting on my own activities as I age. Getting old takes more courage than I ever imagined. Gives me new and additional respect for my Mom and others in their 90s.
I am not minimizing your frustration but sympathize with her behavior.
She was as diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depression Disorder in the AL. She told her neighbors in AL “ I lived in a 3 bedroom house and I controlled everything “.
Treating emotional issues is very difficult. Members of my mother’s generation chose to be strong and not be labeled as crazy.
Now with the help inAL (both medication and counseling) she is making friends and seems much happier.
People are living a lot longer with a lot more physical and emotional needs. As has been said before, “I’m not doing this to my kids.” I pray we are able to do this.
My sister and the nurse told her she does not have a choice. She has to stay. She is in absolute denial about her dire situation. And no she does not have dementia.
I really hope I will have the grace to realize my limitations if I get to the point where she is.
but it seems to be (worldwide) much more common for women, than for men, to refuse help from hired caregivers.
it's not that they refuse help - it's that they (there are exceptions, i'm not saying everyone is like that) want to enslave, especially their daughters.
there are so many stories of mothers refusing hired help, and fathers glad to accept hired help.
mum refuse’s everything.
proud and defiant.
fridge broke refuse to replace it had to get her out of the house for two hours so we could get a new one it.
I’m not her fairy godmother to wave a magic wand . She refuse’s everything
i desperately need her to go into a nursing home. I’m leaving with her 27/7 because she needs help with everything. Refuse’s shower clothing needs changing and bedding .
why I don’t get it either .
He is resistant to any suggestion I give him. In his reality , I am always wrong , I am the one with a problem .Your mom might also be dealing with some cognitive issue. What has helped me a lot has been attending caregivers meetings. There is so much to think about . The second most important thing I learned was to take care of myself .. I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with and that is all anyone can expect of me . Prayers are with you .
How long ago was the screenings? If Mom is not willing to get screened again ( as mine wasn’t at all ) , the next time she ends up in the hospital ask them to do a screening . That’s how I got my mother’s dementia diagnosis .
Realizing comfort is important and safety should come first above anything else.
But, as many can attest, nobody or anything can prevent some events.
Perhaps if not you then maybe somebody else like professional can convince your Mom some changes and adjustments are necessary.
My GF goes thru that struggle right now, Mom with dementia, Dad stubborn etc.
And they need ramp and rails and so on, they just don’t want to spend any money. She is going to engage Social Worker and occupational therapist to explain to them and adresses those needs.
Get repairs needed done so house can be sold. Get someone to help declutter & clean . Hugs 🤗
She wouldn't heed my warnings to professionally clear out her level 4 hoarded apartment. She wouldn't do any estate planning, including a Durable Power of Attorney. Her excuse? "You and your brother will get all my money when I die!" I asked "What if you get ill and can't take care of your affairs?" She wouldn't have a clear response. Just kept deflecting.
This will be on many a Silent Generation, Boomer and even my fellow GenXers tombstones: "I will die in service to my ego." And "Pride goeth before Destruction."
IT. IS. ENTIRELY. ABOUT. CONTROL. Along with a healthy dose of denial.
My advice? Pick your battles. Like someone else said, just move the damn washing machine and dryer. If she doesn't like it... TOUGH. You're tasked with helping her, and that would make your very difficult life simpler.
The other stuff? Just expect to feel like the Greek Goddess Casandra and know that though you KNOW what is going to happen and you can back it up with facts, she will not listen. Many parents cannot STAND the idea that the roles are reversing.
And what is the most ironic part of it is, that by not listening to the advice and heeding the warnings, the very thing they did NOT want - loss of control, is what they wind up bringing on themselves.
Now some people had a good laugh saying that many parents said they would NEVER do what their parents did (i.e. not use the hearing aid), but wound up doing it anyway. And that there's a good chance we could do the same.
I think there is one possible way to prevent this...maybe.
PLAN EARLY. PLAN WHILE YOU'RE HEALTHY AND HAVE A SHARP MIND.
Get long term care plans in place. Exactly what you'd like to happen. That is what I'm going to be working on this year. Of course, the success or breadth of this depends on your financial and personal situation. But find a plan that works for you in terms of where you'll live, what kind of help you'll get. Get all your estate planning done with a good elder care attorney. My husband is now on at-home hospice, but we got our estate planning done beforehand. Just to make sure, we did a consultation with my mom's lawyer to make sure we or the other law firm didn't miss anything. We were 90% there. I have to make a slight change to my will. And we made sure that there are designated beneficiaries on ALL of my husbands insurance, investments, etc. This is to avoid any of his creditors trying to go after an estate. With the will and the beneficiaries in place, we'll most likely avoid having to probate anything. Hence, no estate, and nowhere for some creditors to put their grubby, greedy little fingers.
Despite my mom's bad decisions, we were able to come up with a halfway decent situation for her at home, while protecting her assets. My brother and I would NEVER have been able to know or figure any of that out without our elder care attorney.
it is so exhausting .
I can only hope to not make the same mistakes. Hope I don’t live as long as they are and it is a moot point.
The issue is one of pride, independence, loneliness and confidence.
To use a walker or a cane, means that they are getting old. I'd suggest that a condition of leaving the house is to use the walker or a cane. Regarding walkers, one cannot have rugs on the floor with a walker (that can be an issue). Using a cane with walkers, runs the risk of the cane slipping. If your Mom doesn't have the strength to be able to get off the floor, that is another reason why she doesn't want to use a cane or walker inside the house. If that is the issue, have her get some help from PT to strengthen her abs. She can do exercises that will help her be more confident in her ability to walk and stand.
There are also rollators, walkers with wheels. The key though is that your Mom has to have the strength to squeeze the hand brakes. There are some that come with seats. Walking at least a mile several times a week, will help build and keep up the abs. There are some rollators that flex side-to-side so that it can be used in narrow spaces, like between tables in a restaurant.
Not wearing hearing aids? Well, that is something that many of us who have hearing aids understand. Hearing aids can be ill-fitted, run out of battery, blocked with ear wax, extra noisy, lose peripheral hearing, etc. If your Mom uses batteries for her hearing aids, one must wait 5 minutes for the battery to get fully charged, else the battery has less or no life. Blocked with ear wax? About every 90 days, there is a thing that needs to be changed out. If it is clogged, no sound and having the hearing aid is useless. Even then, if voices are too loud, the hearing aid will muffle the noise so that the words are not understandable. Occasionally, I get feedback on my voice, which makes it hard for me to communicate. My mother resorted to wearing her hearing aid only one side, as that side gets the sound and the other side lets you hear peripheral noises.
Grumbling and b****ing all the time? Well, that is a double edge sword but they don't know it. The grumbling and b****ing can happen for a number of reasons. Some of which are: 1) their world is smaller, hence every little thing makes a difference and if it doesn't happen the way they expect, that is a problem. 2) They are lonely and crave attention, hence they have found that grumbling makes people listen to them and give them the attention (or respect) that they desire 3) People misunderstand what they want or patronize them 4) They don't hear correctly what the other person said 5) They have always been this way 6) Some people believe that anything can always be improved, therefore, they are always complaining and are never content.
My suggestion here is to get your Mom out and help her find another circle of friends or be with other people. Nothing helps b**chiness more than watching someone else be a pain-in-the-a**. Maybe senior day care?
Stairs? These are actually good for people as it builds up their abs and coordination. However, for a nice sum of money, one can get a stair escalator/elevator. However, I'm sure she wouldn't use it unless she is b*tching about it. Make sure the handrail is solid. My Mom had little to no strength in everywhere except her legs (she walked) and arms (from pulling herself up stairs at the places she visited). She never fell from the stairs, although my sister held her breath every time. They gave her a downstairs area to sleep, however, my Mom would always find a reason to go up the stairs.
A therapist for you could help you come up with ideas on how to deal with your Mom.
I'm running out of space. Deep breaths! (((HUGS)))
P.S. As you get older, your brain no longer works at warp speed...
I'm guessing it's the same reason my parents would not listen to my sister and I and move into a nice senior community; she is telling you that she is unwilling to accept that she is old. I think it is their way of keeping themselves at the last point in life that they feel control over. They know what they have right now and they might complain (and you know they are miserable!) but they are still in control. My parents fought us until the fall came, then the ambulance, then one went into a nursing home for physical therapy and the other had to follow because they would not live alone. It really stinks watching them fail. Everyone told me, something will happen. Well, it will but it may take time. Do what you can to keep your sanity, sometimes the "thing that will happen" takes longer than expected. Explain to her now that she wants to be the one to choose where she goes next. My parents did not listen to us and now they are in a nursing home that they do not like. We waited three years for the "thing to happen". Reality is sometimes worse than your fears. Try to get her to plan her future.
Good luck. It's hard to watch someone struggle when you know that things could be SO much easier. As I was told by Adult Protective Services, "they have a right to do what they want even if it isn't safe." Very sad but true in most places.
Now having the same issue with MIL. Just like my mother we have asked MIL to pick out an assisted living place she would like “ just in case it is needed down the road if something happened “. We told both of them we would want to know where they want to live if it becomes necessary to leave their current home. I was sincere when discussing this. Her not making a plan will have the same result as my mother when she ends up in the ER. I have a few assisted living facilities in mind when the time comes that it is an emergency to get her placed. She won’t get to pick where she lives . Their unwillingness to plan is on them .
my mother told me she plans to live at least another ten years. That would make her 93 and me 70. I literally walked away and started to cry! I can’t imagine the thought of spending next ten years in this situation. I am frickin old myself 🤦🏻♀️
good luck!!!
hopeless situation.
we will all die before them.
My sister has Alzheimer's and I will tell you, if I have learned nothing else,
CHANGE is the enemy. Nothing will make it not so. Sorry.
Let's face it, don't we all want to remain at home.
When the elderly age so does their mind. Some decisions need to be made for them especially when it comes to safety.
If they rebuff any safety set-up usually there is an "emergency" at 3 o'clock in the morning. You could present it something like, "well Mom, if you do this, you can stay in your house longer. If we make some modifications and bring some help in, you can remain at home longer".
Maybe an Up Walker Lite, some new shoes that fit properly, get rid of step-in shoes and night gowns. Get some night lights, etc. Get rid of throw rugs on the floor. Get a shower chair, nozzle and grab bars in the bathroom, etc. Bring in a physical therapist once a week. Come up with a plan.
It's hard on them too. You should see the way my mother folds a facecloth. She has Lewy Body Dementia, like a 2-year-old folded it. It's sad but we must remember oftentimes they don't see what we do. With some dementias' the "peripheral vision" goes (basically it's like wearing snorkeling glasses with no vision on the side). I have my mother fold towels so she thinks she is helping. I also have her break off the string bean ends when cooking. Again, it makes her feel included in the household.
We bought a new sofa and I had her pick out some fabric and what kind she thought would like nice in the parlor.
Don't argue with her, because they can't see it. Sit her down, hold her hand, look into her face/eyes and tell her you want to help her and we need to make some changes. You don't have to give a lot of info at one time but make gradual changes.
I hope I was of some help...
Not everyone had loving caring parents. Many that come to this forum have been abused , and are feeling trapped taking care of their abuser . No one is obligated to take care of an unpleasant abusive parent , nor is it healthy .
I feel it’s less about getting old and more about becoming irrelevant. So they wreak havoc to get the lost attention. If they were content you’d move on to your next task.
The generation of our mothers were born in or around WWll, war babies, that had to leave a mark.
My solutions are the same as yours, just don’t do it to our kids and manage your expectations with her.
Good luck
That you use the word "STUPID" speaks volumes of your lack of empathy and understanding.
Scream all you want.
Educate yourself.
Develop compassion.
Step outside your own experience into another's ...
Clearly you do not want to be doing what you are doing in regards to your mom. Get into therapy yourself and find support for your mom. She needs a break from you.
See life from their "perspective," including fears / brain chemistry changes.
You are trying to understand her behavior from your point-of-view and this doesn't work in terms of resolving or understanding what is happening or how to proceed.
Your post says much more about how angry you are than it says about your mom's needs, life/brain changes, she is going through. Developing compassion is one of the best qualities you can develop - in life, and when dealing with a person when their brain changes / when they lose brain cells because they die.
The more you educate yourself on your mom's condition, the better off she and you will be - as your energy now appears very toxic and will be to both of you, until you see the situation from another perspective.
Resisting care and general stubbornness are two hallmarks of dementia, and they are among the most common reasons that adult children look for help as caregivers.
Ten warning signs of dementia
Dementia and memory loss. ...
Dementia and difficulty with tasks. ...
Dementia and disorientation. ...
Dementia and language problems. ...
Dementia and changes in abstract thinking. ...
Dementia and poor judgement. ...
Dementia and poor spatial skills. ...
Dementia and misplacing things.
Gena / Touch Matters
but have YOU cared for someone for five years without help without a break everyday with violent dementia.
Have you had to cook clean do a 1000 other tasks pretending that the dementia patient did it all herself.
You my dear need to educate yourself on carers and the role they play and carers burnout.
carers burnout happens because people like you don’t educate themselves or don’t want to understand the other side of the coin .
very narrow minded
person job and both have to do their part for the other.
I am polite and caring about it. “Ok mom, call me back when they’re in - talk to you soon” or I just get them and hand them to her.
In all fairness they are annoying to wear, or so it seems.