Why do I feel guilty for needing my own time?
I thought I should open a new discussion for this question/topic. I've been struggling with the feeling that I'm not doing enough. I take care of everything for my dad at his house in the morning then head to see my mom at rehab. I live an hour away from rehab. I'm getting run down and need a day at home and feel guilty about it. I have Addison's disease so sometimes I'm just so tired I can't think. No one gets it because I "look" healthy. My husband is great, but is often traveling for work. I definitely have that Catholic guilt thing going on. Do others experience this? How do you handle it? My mom is now is a safe good rehab, so why do I feel like I need to be there everyday? I feel bad that my dad is lonely and try to be there as much as possible too.
Unfortunately, expectations collide with the realities of our own abilities, health and responsibilities in this modern day. So we're always left feeling like we're falling short.
Throw it off and look at what is realistic. If you keep pushing and end up sick, then everyone loses.
Mom's safe at rehab, has help so you can step back a bit there.
Make a list of all you're doing for your dad and see if you can't simplify there. Could Meals on Wheels be an option? Is he able to do basic cooking/microwaving? Could a cleaning person be brought in to do housework and laundry?
Can bills like utilities be set up for automatic payments? Yes, I know parents aren't comfortable with this, but everyone needs to adjust - I tell my mom this is helping me be able to help her.
Is grocery delivery an option? Is Dad able to attend the local senior center?
It's not selfish to take time to recharge, it's critical, it's reasonable.
Back when both my parents were living on their own in their house, I would only see them any time I had to deliver something to them [such as groceries] or to scoop them up to drive them to a doctor appointment. Or if there was a call to help with yard work or to fix something in the house. And to pick Dad up after he fell. Numerous calls to a point I would panic if I saw their phone # on my Caller ID.
But as they started to really age, it was becoming more difficult because I was in my own "age decline" with my own set of health issues, just didn't have the energy anymore. But my parents still viewed me like I was still 35 and could conquer the world. I was lucky to conquer the grocery store being I was a senior citizen myself :P
By the time my Mom went into long-term-care and Dad needed Caregivers, I had a light bulb moment.... I was enabling my parents to continue their life while I had to change mine. Therefore, I stopped going daily to visit with Mom [sadly she wouldn't remember if I had been there or not].... and I felt since Dad had Caregivers to talk to, I started to limit visiting with Dad. It was hard to do at first, but eventually it become more of the norm.
I read a lot on this site about the guilt that many caregivers have....even when they are doing much more than a normal human being should be expected to do AND when they shouldn't feel guilt. From what I read, guilt is something that is normal in caregivers and that you are taught to feel that way, HOWEVER, I am different. I don't understand why good people who do their best feel guilty.
I grew up in the 60's and 70's. I was taught to do my best, to follow that little voice inside my head, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and to honor my elders. I'm not perfect, but I strive to do the right thing. As a result, I don't have guilt issues when it comes to the care I provide for my parents who function well, but do need some help AND my cousin who has severe dementia. I am her DPOA,, HCPOA and only advocate. I always do my homework regarding their issues, advocate to the best of my ability and make the time to ensure they get the care they need. I treat her as I would a parent, Many observers mistake me for her daughter. They can't believe the devotion to a cousin. She is my priority right now.
My cousin is in Secure Memory Care. I may feel frustrated about issues that arise regarding her condition at times, but I don't feel guilty. I visit, call, research, advocate and love her to the best of my ability. I do my best. I am proud of the way I provide care for her and my parents. I have no reason to feel guilty. I'm very grateful that I never was taught to treat myself that way.
I would work to be gentle with yourself. Give yourself credit where credit is due. Reward yourself regularly for being a loving and kind person. One day you will get many jewels in your crown. When you preserve your mental and physical strength and health, you are helping your loved ones as they also benefit.
I wish you all the best!
Being that way is fine if no one is depending on you. You are going to have to practise self preservation if you want to have strength left for your parents' advocacy and care.