Why do sons seem to have trouble communicating about caring for their aging parents?

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Why do sons seem to have trouble communicating about caring for their aging parents?

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My husband has two brothers. They love their parents and, when asked, would do anything to help them. However, they refuse to talk to each other about what their parents need or to plan ahead in any way about this. Sometimes, my mother-in-law mentions things to me (e.g., she's not happy with her current Medicare coverage, which was set up by one son who isn't really doing anything to help her change it). I tell my husband about it and suggest that he and his brothers talk, but they never do - about this or any issue, ranging from minor to very major. My sister-in-law tries, as well, but her husband resents her bringing these things up to him. Anyone have this issue? and advice on how to improve the situation?

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I don't think it is a generalization that "men" can't communicate about their parents needs....it is more than 'some people' cannot communicate about certain subjects.

I'm 52, husband is 70, his brother is 81 and my father is 92. I have been 'dealing' with my father since my mom died in 2003. He really went downhill about 7 years ago. While my husband 'helped' some, he really did not get involved in all of this. His mom lived with his brother until her death in 2001 so he never had to deal with this type of situation. Now his brother is starting to show his age. We are his closest relatives. He lives 100 miles away. Recently he had a health scare and my husband did go down to make sure he was ok. I told him he needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with his brother about his 'future needs'. He had plenty of opportunity to do so when he was there but didn't. He couldn't do it. He felt asking was 'intrusive'. This is going to fall to us to deal with but he won't be proactive because he feels this is too personal a subject. If I didn't think we would end up as responsible parties in all of this I would let it go, but I know that is not how it is going to shake out. I'm not going to take charge of this like I had to with my father. I still work full time and I have enough balls in the air that I am juggling.

I would prefer he was proactive like he seems to be on everything else, not reactive. He has no idea what he is in for even with seeing me go through so much.

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There are some men who find it difficult to express their feelings....does not mean they are present to them or do not care. As a coach working with people who have loved ones who are not mentally well --- I invite men and women as they both can find facing painful situations very hard... to write down their feelings and what they can offer. It gives them the space to express and match what they can do to a list of what needs to be done. I find, in time, they become more actively involved and have provided respite care as well.

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Is Anyone or Can Anyone, Be POA? Sounds like you Fit the Bill, Angel.

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Bicycler suggested calling a family meeting and while it didn’t work for her, it could be a way to start the communication between them. They might respond well if to an agenda of topics to discuss and assignments of research that they each could do and report on during the meeting. If they opt out of the meeting, then you will at least have a clearer idea of what their involvement or lack of involvement will be in the future.

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I saw lots of "men bashing" stuff out there. Let me tell my story. We are two sons in our family and we took really good care of mom during all her life after my dad passed away 10 years ago and her last stages (1 year). I left my 250k+/year job and spent 6 mos (overseas) with my mom at home and at her bedside at the palliative care facility. In the meantime, my wife took care of my daughter and all her extra curricular activities still holding a senior level position.

My brother was equally supportive during the entire last year of her life. It is about upbringing, education and "daughter-in-laws". Selfish daughter-in-laws can mess up the whole thing. We were very fortunate, my mom had wonderful daughter-in-laws.

My mom held her life to see my wife who traveled 24 hours to see her and give her the last drop of water. She then closed her eye's within 5 minutes of my wife's arrival. They had a very strong bond.

So, please put things into perspective, before bashing boys/men.

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Good for you. There are lots of excellent male caregivers. I have known a few myself. They have also been on this site. Old Sailor took such good care of his wife. He was a gem!

That doesn’t mean there aren’t males who haven’t been loving like you have been.

You are smart enough to realize this. These are the ones who are being criticized. No one on this forum would ever bash a respectable caregiver whether they are male or female.

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As a woman married for almost thirty years and the mother to three boys, my opinion comes down to...men procrastinate.

Seems like men tend to deal with issues when they absolutely, positively can't put it off any longer. My guys won't deal with a situation until there is a hard deadline attached to it. Doesn't matter what the situation...school paper, work, car repair, home repair, parents, etc... Drives me crazy since I am not that usually way.

Then, when something goes wrong, they are ill prepared to deal with it and make quick decisions which may, or may not, be the best way to deal with the crisis.

As for advice? I try to adopt a "Not my circus, not my monkey" attitude where I can. I am trying to take myself out of "nag" default and let my guys deal with the consequences of their choices. If that means a son has to pull an all-nighter to write a paper, that's his responsibility. I go to bed.

Dealing with the in-laws is a different realm but, in the end, is still your husband's responsibility. This is coming from someone who, in hindsight, took too much care of her in-laws. I did more for my in-laws than their three children combined. It's not an option that I recommend.

Years ago, my hubby arranged a meeting with his brother and sister to discuss the increasing needs of their parents. His sister was there, his brother "forgot" to attend. I get how maddening it is!!

It is frustrating to only stand on the sidelines and see the problems coming but that is the option that you have. When the situation is dire enough, your hubby and his brothers will find a way to deal with it. You get to choose how much involvement you want to have when a crisis does happen. That's when you can show your support.

I wish you the best as you move forward.

P.S. My husband just finished updating our ObamaCare insurance...with two hours to spare until the deadline. His responsibility/ his choice...but, dang, it's been hard to keep my mouth shut these last weeks!

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As an editor and debater, I'd say . . . men 'TEND' to procrastinate, etc. Hopefully, that doesn't paint all males with the same broad brush--and in doing so, nullifies the advocate's point.

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I'm going to generalize my accusation of generalization. ;)

In my experience, women tend to generalize that men are like this while women are better at communication. I find that idea false. This is irony for me. Many of you think I'm a woman. Quite often they've written in response to me commiserating about how bad men are at caregiving. I don't have the heart to tell them that I'm not a woman. I'm one of those dim witted uncaring men.

There is no qualitative difference between men and women on a variety of factors that popular misconception thinks there is. If you look at the studies, men and women are much more alike than most men or women would be willing to admit. Intragender differences are larger than intergender ones.

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I totally agree. Thank you for your input : )

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It may come down to women being the nuturers in life - for the most part. Not all women - yes, some men could be cut of the same cloth. But women are born with motherly instincts and that is why they may excel at caregiving roles as well as multi tasking. Some women can balance a full load, e.g. a friend was cooking for church every week, had full time employment with the DOD, was going to college - two times, first time to obtain her BA degree and went on to undergraduate studies to obtain her Master's Degree, had a gym membership, makes Christian-based crafts, has 2 children, ran a daycare and only required 4 hours' sleep per night.

While it may be the easier choice here for the 3 men involved to sweep it under the literal rug, it's always smarter to be proactive than reactive.

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Who says you cant teach an old dog........this old dog had some hard lessons to learn over these last few years and for those of us who are watching our own children fade from our lives, there is something "we" need to start talking about.
Your gonna get old by your self. It going to depend on your own wallet the type of care you get and if the wallet is empty, we have to understand we are going to have to settle for whats given or make some pretty hard straight choices. I have 2 kids, ones planning on moving to Fla in the next few years. My son, well, he "has his family" as to which I think- Gee, when did dad and I get put up for adoption? Im thinking it might have been somewhere between paying full load of college, or was it buying the business for him? Hmmm I forget? Alas, he is very busy.
My daughter, she wants out of new england so bad she can taste it. Thru business, both she and her husband have tons of friends there and cant wait to build their dream house in the sunshine state. As for hubby and I, there is very little money left, too long of a saga to share-but we have both decided when our good days are truly gone, we are keeping our mouths shut- no spoon feeding, diapers, drooling in our food for us. We will get each other thru as far as we can and then see to it we maintain our dignity- no help needed, no excuses accepted.

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Oh my gosh! I am glad to see this question on here because we have two sons. They live within the same state but not near each other. They work and go about their lives and do not communicate much at all with each other. They call here about every 2 weeks unless we call them and one comes once or twice per year and the other (youngest) comes a little more but that's tapering. I have wondered what will happen to me and my husband or whoever is the last one standing in the end. I sure have listened to a lot of friends who happen to have a son or two and then a daughter. The daughter always seems to catch the brunt of caregiving. The sons will "sometimes" thank the sister and tell her how grateful they are and what "good sister" she is. That's about it though. Males tend to run from these situations unless they are an only child and the only person left to handle Mom or Dad. This is NOT always the case now, but most of the time it is. I know two male friends of ours who go to a nursing home religiously to check on their Dad and the other has a mother he checks on and keeps up with. Neither has a sister. So they are out there but few and far between. I told my husband I guess we had better prepare to use up any savings for caregivers to stay with us as long as the money holds out and then see if one of the boys will help admit us to an assisted living facility when things go south with health later on. Hey, I could tell them if they don't help me when the time comes, I will change my Will! Hahaha!!! We took care of them when they were growing up and helped one through college but the other chose the military and did not go to college but we sure took care of our boys. Hope they will reciprocate. The OP mentions that her brother-in-law resents her bringing these things up to him. When I was trying to take care of my Mom and Dad who lived 3 miles down the road, my husband didn't want to hear much about my struggles with the nursing home in getting Mom the right help. He would do physical things to help me like taking Dad on an appointment or running by the pharmacy but he did NOT want to hear about any problems or complaints. I didn't have anybody to turn to but did come on here (Aging Care) to this forum and got support and some good info/suggestions. That is why I am still on this forum even after both parents have passed now. This is a good group. I will look forward to more answers on this topic.

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It’s your responsibility to prepare for your future, it’s not your children’s responsibility. Surely you don’t want them to give up their lives & move in with you so that you can keep up the charade of independence? Because you make a comment about being prepared to use your savings to pay for caregivers. When you need caregivers, you are not longer independent. It’s not your children’s responsibility to keep you in your home after you’ve lost your independence. You should be using your money on your care, using it to live off of. You should prepare to go to assisted living or even independent living. Do whatever YOU can do to prepare.

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janismkl5758, I've experienced a similar lack of communication, but I'm not sure that gender had much to do with it. I'm one of 5 brothers among my dad's 8 children and was his primary caregiver during his last 5 years. For the four years before my wife and I moved Dad from another state into our home, two of my older sisters were his primary caregivers and we provided just 1/8th of his care (1 week every 2 months). During those four years I was sometimes asked my opinion about care, medication or financial options, but my researched opinions about such things were routinely ignored unless I was in complete agreement with whatever they wanted to do. Meanwhile, many important things were done that should have been communicated to me but were not.

My only advice is for your husband to ask his brothers (and wives if they agree) for a family meeting to discuss the situation and to explore options to ensure the safety and comfort of their parents. That might work, although it didn't for me. A couple of years after my wife and I moved my dad to our home, I asked for a family meeting, but this request was ignored by two brothers and the two older sisters. Best wishes and good luck.

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My ex-husband was his parents' full-time, 24/7 caregiver for several years, until his parents' deaths (about 7 weeks apart) this fall. He was very devoted to them, but he and his siblings (one sister, two brothers) were, as far as I can tell, terrible as far as communicating with one another about the parents. One brother seemed to want to help but the communication difficulties got in the way. The sister helped occasionally but also didn't like talking about the parents and their issues. The other brother rarely visited (e.g., at the time of his parents' deaths, he hadn't seen either in at least five years). I'm not surprised about the communication difficulties; the parents were like that, too.

In my family, I and my siblings talk regularly. My sister and one brother visit our mother (still lives at home by herself at age 91) a lot. I visit occasionally. My brother who lives out of state visits a few times per year and participates in our discussions about mom.

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Oh my, I wish family dynamics and family cultures made this easier. My hubby and his brother have similar issues. My hubby's family culture is to avoid all discussion of problems and to duck talking about anything until it is really, really bad. Seems "the men" have more problems discussing this as it appears to be that any discussion of an issue is to assume that "he" is the one that caused it and should "fix" it. I know of many other families with similar difficulties. So, BIL is managing my MIL's care and prefers for us to keep out of it. However, some things always need a little more attention, We try to help as we are "allowed". Hoping you can get "the guys" to agree to discuss their parents' care at an agreed upon meeting on a regular basis.

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Not all do. My DH was wonderful when taking care of his first wife (No, I never met the woman) and he was never afraid to talk about problems with anyone.

BUT, he never complained either. It is what attracted me to him - he never complained about what he had to do for wife #1 - he just did it. And he took recommendations from everyone so he could do the best job as possible.

P.S. I met him 6 months after wife #1 passed on. I had seen him once but never met him before he was widowed.

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Thanks for pointing this out. Look at Old Sailor who posts on this site. He’s wonderful! His wife is deceased now but he was lovely with her.

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Oh my gosh!!! My brother is totally unable to see my mom as an aging person. He yells and is short tempered. My mom is so hurt by this. And I am left to pick up the pieces. Then, if my brother does call ( not Actively doing anything !) she is so happy and bubbles over, telling me all about it!
i have a lot of resentment over this! Suggestions?

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Your mother is of the "He's A Boy" mindset, they adore their Golden Boy, and use the girl as a Scapegoat. My mother is the same way, I finally had enough, I no longer talk to her, now he is what I call the "Golden Goat". This so prevalent with women, they must have the attention of a man... when any man pays attention to them they swoon and all else is forgotten.

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I've shared a few of my thoughts already, but ... I know a single (divorced), straight, straight-up 65 y/o man who devotes himself to full-time care for his 95 y/o mom (involving even diapering, personal hygeine, feeding). He's amazing with her: talks about her openly and respectfully to all of his friends and acquaintences. He's taken her to Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, and many more places. She had Funds(capital F intended), but over the years they became exhausted tending to and caring for her--just to eliminate any question that he's got Great Expectations.

I really think he simply loves her in a healthy way. He has 2 evil sisters that (classically, as we know) criticize him about everything he does for her, every decision he has to make on mom's behalf--and he's philosophical about it. He's my hero and role model (in my dreams).

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Men aren't usually taught to have developed emotionally skills. We're sorely raising young males to be ill-equipped for this real-life stuff.

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I agree with Alva...men are, for the most part, wired differently, especially when it comes to caring for anyone but themselves. My husband more or less just leaves his 92 year old recently widowed mother to herself and responds only when there is a crisis at hand despite the fact that she lived beyond her means for many years and her funds are limited, still drives, is easily and often scammed, and is a persistent liar and narcissist. He is the only person left in his family to watch over her. To save myself from a lot of angst, I have stepped out of the situation completely. Let the chips fall where they may. I know that it hard but we are only the DIL and are not responsible for our MIL.

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Right about males. And I agree about your stance with your MIL. I HATE sounding cold, and I never thought I'd be capable of feeling this way (much less saying/admitting it). Our western culture needs to take the way-forward machine about aging and dying.

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Well, I have a different experience. My brothers were not involved much in my parents caregiving. Never missed a meal though and thought nothing of asking for money.

They were always quick to criticize me even though I did the most and was always the child closet to my parents and grandparents.

I cared for both of my parents. Daddy died in the hospital several years back. Mom eventually moved into my home and lived with us for just about 15 years. It wasn’t bad initially because she was far more independent and we could leave her alone while we were on an outing.

Then as her Parkinson’s disease progressed she needed more and more care, she started falling down, and we started to feel the impact of caregiving. She grew very dependent on me. Even though it wasn’t her fault it got to be too much. I felt my life slipping away from me.

Caregivers often lose their own identity. I knew that I wasn’t happy with my situation. I realize now I was burning out. I had denied that for a long time.

Too much togetherness caused friction for both of us. I needed to start setting boundaries but she wasn’t very accepting of them.

Mom pitted my brothers and I against each other by complaining about me to them and it pretty much started world war three. I became fed up with all of their criticisms and told my mom and brothers that if they felt like I was doing it all wrong that she could let them take over her care.

So my brother’s criticism backfired on him and now he has mom to deal with. I don’t want anything to do with him after he threatened to report me for elder abuse since mom didn’t get her way with everything. My younger brother isn’t any better than the older one that she lives with now. I don’t have contact with either of them.

Unfortunately, that leaves me out in the cold as far as an attempt to have a relationship with my mother. I’m sad about that. I never wanted an unhappy ending. It is what it is. It’s hard. It’s difficult to absorb.

I realize that I don’t have the power to change the situation. I am doing the best that I can to heal and move forward in my life. I don’t miss the turmoil.

I don’t know how mom is doing because I have only spoken to her briefly on the phone since she left. The conversations weren’t all that pleasant and I don’t want to continue being hurt.

I don’t know if mom will be placed in a facility or go on hospice at his home. I may not even know when she dies. That’s tough for me. As I said, it is what it is.

I will try to remember the times that we were close and had special moments together. She’s 94. I hope she is happy. It’s all I ever truly wanted all my life. I just wanted a happy and harmonious home. Parts of it were joyful and other parts were not.

My grandpa used to say that heaven and hell were right here on earth. There’s a lot of truth to what grandpa said, isn’t there?

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NHWM,
You’re such a strong person to be able to let go of the negativity with your brothers even though it means not seeing your mom. I wish you all the best. Hugs to you .

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Thank God my husband is different then the men you all talk about, yes he is one of the rare ones.
We talk often of his moms care, she lives with us, I am the one who is the caregiver but at least he listens to what the problems are and tries to help resolve it.
just tonight we were talking of the end of life conversation and how and what we were going to do and what the mother-in-law wants. She has dementia and so the short term memory is pretty well shot, but she knows what she wants. Thank God we all talk.

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You are truly lucky!

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Men are quick fix or forget it types. I find most men to be very self absorbed and expect the women to take care of all special needs situations.

My brother use to be that way, until I backed out of my mothers world and care, he was forced to step up, lots of confusion and lack of knowledge prevailed, but he has learned a hard lesson and has stepped up to the plate...although, I do consul him behind the scenes. He still hates confrontation, he likes to avoid that venue.

I have met very few men who are long term thinkers, they kind of float through the day and hope that the tooth fairy will drop foo foo dust and that the problem will go away.

Just my observations.

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I am groaning for you. Speak! Use words! Talk to one another! - you certainly won't be the first ladies to wonder how your menfolk get through life if they never say what's on their minds.

Are the brothers ever in the same room? I'm wondering if your and your parents-in-law and SIL could collate some kind of agenda which, going forward, the family as a whole could be updated on. It's just that it's easier to have a proper conversation if you're face to face and in comfortable surroundings, and of course this is the right time of year for it.

I do have one antenna-twitch to mention. The one son set up the Medicare coverage, MIL is not confident it's right for her - then her next step should be to say so to the son who set it up, and either change it or have it explained to her why she needn't worry. It shouldn't be to wring her hands about it to somebody else behind that son's back. I won't accuse her of triangulation (not yet, bit premature!) but this is exactly the kind of thing that causes horrible gremlins to infest the family grapevine and it wants cutting out. I hope she doesn't make a habit of it?

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I will surely be accused of "sexism" in my answer, but given I am 77 I don't much care. I think men's brains are different. They don't much like to sit and discuss endlessly what may or may not work and what may or may not. They are more of a fix it now mentality. If it cannot be fixed right now, then "why discuss it" on and on. I think women like to discuss and trouble shoot and visit and revisit options and ideas. I just think that the "men from Mars and Women from Venus thing is really an almost hormonal-chemical think in how our minds work. When I try to discuss a lot of "financial" or "numbers" thing I kind of get the "It's only numbers" attitude.

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When it is a convenient "out" to dump all the scut work on women? No excuse in IMO.

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Men don't like being told what to do? I don't have this problem in my family but maybe someone else does.

I actually am posting to suggest Mom go to her local Office of Aging. Ours helps Seniors pick the insurance closer to their needs. Is it a Medicare Advantage? Me personally wouldn't have one.

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Neither do women.

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Why do sons seem to have trouble communicating about caring for their aging parents?

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