Why does Mom go in and out of anger so much?
Im sorry that this sounds like a rant. Perhaps I just need to vent. So this weekend Mom s back to "you're no daughter". She doesn't need my help. Four sibs take turns staying with her around the clock. She claims there's never anyone here and she's tired of not knowing who is sleeping on the air bed in the living room every night. No party for us, either Mom. She's not grateful for anything when she's like this. Not sure sure what puts her in these funks but they are worse every time. I probably take it the hardest being the eldest daughter. Today she wants a shower. That's a weeks worth of work for her even with my help. But today she intends to do it herself. Claims I'm selfish and can't spare 15 minutes for her. IM HERE 4 DAYS A WEEK!!! I know many say to to redirect her. My mother does not redirect. She's angry at the world , but mostly, me claiming I've done this to her. On some level I know it not my Mother speaking, but on another level I'm certain it is because for so many years she's been like this, but was able to be independent because she was stronger, but we never knew why. Now that this vascular dementia has come up so suddenly, I wonder if In fact it's been going on for many more years that we realize. Oh, and she's the quintessential showtime - for the docs, the nurse practitioner, the out of town sibs. I just wonder from those with vascular dementia experience, is this the norm? What can I expect next, any advice on coping? As always, I appreciate this forum, the outlet it provides and the advice it offers. I'm hoping that tomorrow my Mom shows up for a bit.
I think she's lost her memory from falling so many times and hitting her head but her mood can turn in a nanosecond from saying thank you you're so nice to get the bleep away from me. I feel extremely sorry for her and she has been lonely for years as the youngest of an immigrant family all gone - I know she's afraid at the memory care facility and tells me she doesn't know anyone I.e., trust anyone and I can't say I blame her - I have private caregivers for her and she says but they don't know me - she thinks only relatives should be helping her but they're aren't any - i long ago gave up expecting any appreciation for all I do for her but I know that is the dementia.
I think VaD is a disease that can be diagnosed by how crazy the caregiver is. Half of the time I feel like a cat with my claw in an electric socket. I know that not all people with VaD have the personality quirks, but many do. My mother was difficult even at an earlier age. The VaD just put the mood swings and need to control into overdrive. Fortunately, she is okay most of the time. My best defense is not spending too much time with her. Spending too much time in one sitting seems to increase the problem. I am also learning to not mention things that need to be done around the house, because it gives her things to worry about and fixate on. What she does is come up with a "JessieBelle do list" that she wants done NOW. (Sigh)
Truth be told, it is SO much easier for professional caregivers to do this work, because there is no emotional valence. When my mom is weeping because she thinks she's in someone else's wheelchair, i can only think of the many times in my childhood when i could have been helped by a little understanding and was met with " make the best of it". I'm not saying i had an abusive childhood by any measure, but i notice that my sisters in law are both better at dealing with mom's complaints than i am.
No, you can't force her into care. But you can step away and say, this situation is not good for your care or my mental health. Something has to change.
Your poor mum, you know. I know you do know, and I know how it feels to think "poor mother, you are DRIVING ME ROUND THE TWIST" and I also know the 'don't mind me I'm just the help' feeling when she gets all smiley and excited picking up a phone call. But, all the same again, from her point of view, your children and your grandchildren are lovely but your friends and your peers are still all dead. Plus you physically feel like cr*p. There's less and less of a bright side for her to look on, really.
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I guess you could say that I refused to participate in the circus. The obvious answer to the fact that she needed a more stable, predictable environment was for her to move somewhere that would provide that. If she wasn't going to do that, it was simply NOT my job to enable her delusions.
I know. I sound cold and hard hearted. I learned it from her. She taught me to protect myself at all costs from this kind of insanity.
When the hallucinations and delusions first started, she mentioned that maybe a psychiatrist would be a good idea. I tried to encourage that but it was short lived. She k owns care decisions need to be made when she is lucid, but then just thinks she'll die and that will solve everything.
Her pcp tried to treat the depression about 2 years ago, I forget what medication it was but Mom hated it and stopped taking it. It did appear to make her anxiety even worse. NP suggested that the Ativan may be contributing to her hallucinations so now she won't take that either.
I'm sure depression comes into play here. She's wanted to go to sleep and not wake up "just like my Mom" for the last 10 years. Mom was the youngest of eight children and she has surpassed all of their ages. All of her siblings are gone, all her friends are gone. She has " no one". I guess her 7 children and the 4 who care for her around the clock are "no one". I know many, many people who would be eternally grateful for someone to come visit them once a week. Not my Mom. Nothing is EVER enough.
I vacillate between feeling sorry for her and being so angry that I have to walk away. And walking away is pretty hard in a 1 bedroom apartment.
Right now she's on the phone with her baby son - all is right with the world until she hangs up the phone and realizing she's here with me.
Once again, sorry for venting but thank you!
Caveat: it could be depression. Depression is extremely common after stroke; and vascular dementia, when all's said and done, is basically an ongoing series of microscopic strokes. Worth investigating because if that's the case then she's not only angry, she's miserably unhappy. Citalopram helped us but it takes a while and it's not a miracle cure.
If I had known then, what I know now, I would have tried to get her on medication earlier for her mood. When she went on Cymbalta, it was like night and day. She was so much more content and I didn't see any of that distress. I would discuss that with her doctor. If she is already taking something, I'd discuss modification.
If it helps, please keep in mind that sometimes this type of behavior may change as their level of progression changes. My cousin stopped the repeating and other temper driven behavior. I'm not sure what to attribute it to.