I got into an argument with my Dad today because I was too busy to come stay with Mom whilst he went out.
He tried to guilt trip me about how "you can't abandon your mother."
And I kept trying to tell him that you can't just ring me up randomly and always expect I can drop anything I am doing to come sit with Mom. I have a life. I have a wife.
Here's the thing. My Mom has severe Parkinson's. Very severe. I have pleaded with my Dad and my brothers to get Mom into a hospice or to hire a nurse. But they always complain that its too expensive/intrusive.
I have always warned them, that there will come a time when we may all be occupied.
Taking care of Mom is a 24/7 job.
Just because I am a doctor... doesn't mean I'm always available 24/7. I am married, just as my siblings are married.
Before I was married it was :
"well you are unmarried, so you have the time."
Now that I am married my priorities have to shift.
My Mom isn't getting any better.
If I leave my wife every night to nurse my mother.....its not gonna make my mother heal any better.
"I can't possibly do that" is a perfectly acceptable answer.
Dad needs to arrange care for your mother.
A very wise person on this site once gave me solid advice, instead of guilt use grief. Grief that you can’t be there for your mom 24/7 because you have a responsibility to yourself and others. Grief is okay, you can move through it. Guilt however, will rob you of all joy you have.
Best of luck to you as you learn to navigate that you aren’t a super human. If you meet one, let me know!
Your dad is trying to manipulate you by using FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Knowing what is going on is the 1st step to dealing with it.
Maybe, saying no more frequently will create change?
Suggested alternatives. Over & over. Fell on deaf ears. No change.
Then said no when the phone rang. Over & over & over.
Whatdya know? LO actually COULD call taxis & hire services + much much more...
Fast forward & real change has happened, been sustained & LO is HAPPY about it too! Win/win/win.
Sorry dad, it's simply impossible for me to fit one more thing into my schedule at this time. How can I help you arrange for in home help for mom?
Don't buy into the guilt trip, it's 100% unwarranted.
Your Dad needs to realize that Mom now needs more care than HE can handle. Mom is his responsibility and should be his #1 concern as your wife is now to you. Dad can just not pick up and leave when he wants to an expect one of his boys to rush over. My God, your a doctor. Does he really expect you to leave a patient to cater to him? Really, this is unrealistic and if he is only in his 70s, I would worry about this kind of thinking. And when he leaves, does he come right back or does he consider it a night out? Yep, unrealistic. He married Mom for better or worse and this is the worse.
Hospice is paid by Medicare. Yes, in home the family does most of the work. An aide will be provided 3x a week or so to come in and bathe Mom. Usually for an hour but an OP said she was able to get 4 hrs. Other option is a LTC facility with Medicaid paying if there is a money problem. Seems Dad wants it all his way and thats not how life works.
He seems to be worried about money and a nurse being intrusive. INTRUSIVE you cant help, Medicade ONLY TAKES THE HOUSE AFTER BOTH MARRIED PARTNERS ARE DECEASED.
I'm kind of in a Midway situation where one of my brothers has completely abandoned the situation despite living on the same property, he wants nothing to do with helping my parents and doesn't even visit them and barely grunts at them if they say hi to him. My other brother has way overextended himself to the point where he is constantly being walked on and taken advantage of. I am in the middle and have set days and hours and boundaries with my parents and make it very clear what I will and will not do. Sometimes people look at me and think that I am selfish but all I'm trying to do is to keep myself from going literally insane because I do not have the patience, tolerance, or soft caring nature to be involved with them at any more of a extent that I already am, and even at this extent, I am almost always angry and it is interfering with my own marriage. Because they're combined monthly income is $13,000 a month, even if you were to take $3,000 off the top of that and just pretend that they have really big bills or something, they would still have $10,000 between the two of them to hire in home care. They own their home and are not in any kind of financial distress at all. So this not hiring of In-Home Care is completely absurd. Some people might call me selfish for expecting this, but I don't have the personality to be a caretaker, and it's not right or just that my brother is constantly taken advantage of. I could care less about my other brother who has opted out of helping or even just being a part of the family because he has something else going on in his head and has for many years so he has his own problems. Besides, even if he didn't have his own problems, people have the right to decide what they want to be a part of in life and what they don't. For me, I have moral and religious obligations to my parents that my brother doesn't have . he's free and clear as anyone to make his decision to not participate. So the idea of people being selfish, I'm not really sure when that's applicable. I guess it comes down to each individual situation.
I was in a similar situation as my father refused to get help for my mother. I couldn't help very often as I have a full time job, married with two teen kids and far enough away that it would be over an hour round trip to come to their place. After several early morning and late night trips up there, I let me Dad know when I could be there and any other time, he would need to find help elsewhere.
If my dad would say, "We need to care for you mother" and try and make me feel guilty, I would agree with him but reiterate that care needs to come from someone else. Just because you have outside help doesn't mean you are abandoning your mother, just finding the care she needs.
but caring for your mother at night is going to eventually compromise your medical decision making, putting your license and livelihood at risk.
Block EVERYONE’s numbers for awhile. They want to use you for free, rather than listening to you.
‘No’ is s complete sentence.
Perhaps there is a senior program that offers day care and/or respite care: Dad needs breaks to improve his mental and physical conditions. It is possible for both to live at the same location, but be housed in different sections (based on their needs).
Or had one.
That includes your dad. His life was husband, father, friend - not stressed out, emotionally depleted caregiver.
You say get hospice or professional care. Will that drain your dad’s finances so he has no future safety net? Is your mom within 6 months of dying for hospice eligibility? Are your brothers putting their lives on hold and asking you to participate? Can you set scheduled times so everyone knows what you can and can’t do? Can you pay for a caregiver to come for a while so dad gets a break? In other words, besides saying you have a life, what are you bringing to the party?
PS. My sibling pulled the I’m a busy doctor card and yet he had time to golf … regularly.
They will never hire help if they keep doing everything for her. Step WAY back. Cut down visits to maybe once a month. Ignore phone calls from them. Retake your life. No one else is going to retake it for you.
While it is flattering he trusts you, going forward he will need to face these things;
* Aging lessens our independence
* We will all need a little more help as we age
* Expectations that ONE family caregiver can provide everything is not realistic. (It becomes a burden).
What are HIS top reasons for not seeking non-family help?
Cost?
Lack of trust in strangers? These can be worked through.
Help him to set up the services he needs. Deliveries, housework help, regular aide visits for care.
Then get stubborn back!
"No, Dad. I said I could not come. We set up the weekly shop/visit/help. Use that".
On repeat until he gets it.