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Why does my father in law treat me like I'm invisible? He not only treats me this way but also his grand children living in the same house. Unfortunately he lives with us, us being his son and his 2 grand kids. He never speaks to me or the grand kids. He treats us like we're invisible & sometimes his actions say that very loudly. Other than the fact that he doesn't like me why does he treat me like I'm his Invisible DIL? Why does he ignore his grand children? My side of the family exists & we don't treat people like garbage. I do sense some jealousy. I'm just trying to understand why he never speaks to me even when I'm nice to him. I have already started the silence treatment with him & have complained enough to my husband. My husband just wants him out of our lives for good, he does not want to deal with the situation & just ignores everything.

Your comments on FIL reminded me of Uriah Heep in Dickens: ‘I’m a very ‘umble person’. In fact Heep was a Creep, who defrauded in a big way, stole, had nasty personal ‘abits, and was very unpleasant to have around. FIL is bludging off you big time – fairly close to Uriah in various ways.

Your issue is to stop DH from having so little to do with him that DH can tolerate him. Stop being the one to prop the situation up, make it worse so that it MUST change.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I’ve read your responses, all I can say is I’m sorry your husband chooses to let his father cause such upset and dysfunction in your home. Your children will likely grow up resentful of the tension this situation causes to their lives and yours. I’m convinced your husband is very wrong to allow this to continue, the price isn’t financial, but it’s still far too high
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InvisibleDIL Jul 21, 2024
One good thing has come out from my FIL living with us. Our children see that he does not contribute to anything in the home but his own selfish needs. My son has vowed to never smoke or drink so he does not become anything like his grandfather. My son is the oldest & is a teen. I'm very proud of him for noticing this.
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Hi Invisible - You asked "Why does my FIL treat me like I am invisible"? - I say, confront it head on and Ask Him! Why don't you seriously and heartfully have a conversation with him about it...sit down with him and tell you how you feel. Tell him that you feel like you're invisible around him and you don't understand why, and it upsets you - ask him why he doesn't talk to you or your kids. What if you told him that you'd like a better relationship with him - I wonder how he'd respond.

You said he's not mean - he could be depressed. Does he need any encouragement to meet people, like at a senior center? His first wife passed and his 2nd wife left him...maybe he's still carrying a lot of those losses and getting out to meet others his age could benefit him.

I think the best way to change behavior or improve a situation is to address it. Wishing you all the very best - and hoping things get better!
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
Thank you for your post. My FIL hides from the neighbors. He refuses to hang out with anybody that is not of the same low class status as he. He will not talk to people if they do not smoke, drink or play lotto. One of my neighbors asked me if he had been in any wars & if he suffered from PTSD. He's never been in any wars, never served. He's an introvert that likes smoking, drinking & lotto.
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Who is going to the liquor store for dad’s cigarettes, alcohol and scratch offs? That should end. In fact dad should be told by his son that as of now he pays one third of the expenses like the other adults in the house. And like any other resident, there will be a chore list. No backtalk will be allowed. If there is, then he will get served with eviction papers. Plenty of 70 year olds homeless and abusing substances, if he doesn’t want to be one he can shape up or ship out.
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
FIL gets & buys his own stuff. He is mentally able to do so. His son does not have him pay any share of the expenses so he can save that money for his nursing home care. I have made it very clear that I will not be taking care of him & my husband as well. It's a shame as I am certified in CPR & have family members that retired from elderly care.
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InvisibleDIL, you mentioned your Dad-in-law has no medical problems. But your Profile states that he has depression and had a stroke. Those are both serious issues which could be the underlining factor why he acts the way he does.


The fact that no one talk to him could also be a reason for his actions. Sometimes we need to put ourselves into that person's shoes to understand why he seems so bitter.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Why does a 60 yr old man, with no health problems, need to live with his kids? He should have been working. Kind of hard to kick him out after 10yrs.

There are HUD apts. They charge 30% of your monthly income. So if FIL brings in a 1000 a month he would pay about $333 for his rent. He will pay for electricity. He maybe able to get Supplimental income (SSI) to give him more money to find low income housing. Social Services would be a good place to start. Find out what resourses are available to him. You may just have to wait hoping there is a health crisis and you can refuse to take him home because there is no one to carevfor him. At least you have made it clear, you will not be caring for him when and if the time comes.
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
My FIL has been on the waiting list for 10 years, not much activity. There's too many people where we live. We even put him on the waiting list for Habitat for Humanity & still nothing. My FIL is simply just bad luck. In a way, he's getting what he deserves. He expects to be waited on hand & foot because he is a senior citizen but he has no health issues & he can't help anybody either.
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We do need more information. Such as, do you do anything for him – like providing food, doing his washing, cleaning up after him? If you do, stop. If you put food on the table in front of him, he says thank you. If he doesn’t, you remove it. Just take it away, and tell him he only gets it back (or the next meal) if he thanks you for it. Likewise with the laundry and everything else. Perhaps the kids play in his room – he can talk to them if he wants them to stop.

There is no point in doing all the jobs while FIL gets away with being offensive. Stop putting up with it, and stop doing all the jobs. If FIL still talks to your DH, he may complain to him. Your husband needs to stop ignoring him, tell him that ‘he wants him out of our lives’ if that's the case, and give him an ultimatum to get out if his behavior doesn’t improve. Your DH just ‘a wishin and a hopin’ (and 'ignoring') isn’t getting the message across.
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
Thank goodness, no I do not wash his clothes, I do not cook for him. Never have had to. My husband comes home before I do from work so he handles all of the cooking.
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InvisibleDIL, until you start answering the many questions some of the posters have asked, we really can't be of much help to you.
Why and how did your FIL end up living with you and your family to begin with, and was he also silent towards you, and if so why did your husband allow him to move in?
These questions are just a few that need to be answered before we can be of any help to you, but bottom line....if this situation isn't working for all involved, it's not working for anyone. So time for a family meeting to discuss plan B(getting FIL out of the house).
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Invisible, id like more info to get a better understanding , age and your fil health , why is he living there?He could have dementia.

Why does your husband put up with this?

This must put a horrible stress on you , your relationship with your husband, and your childrens mental health.

Your fil needs to leave, for everyones mental health and well-being.

I'm sorry you are going through this. If you can fill any of us in , that would be great.
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
FIL is living with us because his 1st wife died young, 2nd wife left him. He was living in a cold state with one of his children & he ended up moving in with us because we live in a warm state. FIL makes smoking, drinking & playing lotto a priority over paying his bills. I don't know why my husband took him in other than no one else would. I have made it very clear that I will not be taking care of him when the time comes. FIL is in his 70s. I am not aware if he has dementia, those things I'm told are none of my business but he does not act like it. His life or his finances are none of my business but he is my rude roommate that nobody likes. The kids don't play in his room, he's not nice enough for something like that to happen.
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I apologize but the last few words of your thread brought to mind the song
"Invisible" by Alison Moyet.
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
That's exactly how he treats me. I could be in the kitchen helping my husband cook & my FIL will wait until I leave to serve himself. My husband keeps telling me to ignore his dad but I can't anymore. Old people shouldn't treat their loved ones in this way or their roommates that they don't speak to.
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In your position, I’m not sure it would matter why I was being treated rudely in my home, more like it would matter how I was going to change the situation and no longer be treated rudely in my home. Tactics like the silent treatment, refusing to deal with it, and wishing him gone accomplish nothing. If the man has dementia, he needs care, likely in a professional setting. If he’s just mean, don’t allow him in your home. Ultimately, this is on your husband to resolve, ignoring it clearly isn’t helping
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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InvisibleDIL Jul 20, 2024
He's not mean, just rude & inconsiderate. I have told my husband to put him in a nursing home as I will not be volunteering to care for him when the time comes. He's been with us for 10 years & has rarely spoken to me or his grand kids. He's never made an effort to do anything with us & he is not physically sick but I do see some mental issues but not dementia. I see more depression than anything because his 2nd wife left him.
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Does your FIL have dementia?
If not what he is doing in inexcusable and YOUR husband NEEDS to set his dad strait.
A simple..."Dad if you do not begin to show my family respect and consideration you are goin to have to move to an Assisted Living. We can begin looking next week."
If your husband is on the bandwagon to get him out of the house that makes it a bit easier to follow through with the above talk.

Now you do not mention ANY medical conditions or why he is living with you.
If FIL is not cognizant then the discussion is meaningless and just a tour of Memory Care facilities needs to be scheduled and then move him in.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Your husband is the one who must stop ignoring this ridiculous situation and take ACTION to get his father out of your home and settled elsewhere. It's not acceptable for you or your children to be ignored in your own home by a family member, even if he's suffering from dementia. You and the kids have to feel comfortable and loved in your safe place, period.

Good luck making hubby see he must take action now, his wife and kids deserve respect.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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InvisibleDIL, welcome to the forum. Please fill out the Profile page as there is too much missing information that would help us better understand your question. Such as what medical issues does your Dad-in-law have? Any dementia? Did he lose his wife recently and that is why he is living with you? Did he live elsewhere and misses his former location?
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