Heart2Heart Asked June 2021
Why is it that when you end up a caregiver, siblings turn cruel, selfish, hurtful, non-caring and nonexistent?
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When I was younger, I gave my all to love and help my parents and siblings. Caregiving has ripped our 'family' apart, which I feel, was fueled by my mother's special/biased treatment of her sons... (I'm the only daughter). My mother says, "They have a life". "They're busy" .... I now doubt (after so many years have passed with almost nil communication) that we will ever have contact again after all this is said and done.
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She has always used manipulation and guilt trips to keep me on a leash and I thought I was finally free to live my life when I got a job as a journalist in Paris. How wrong I was. She used to visit me 6-9 months a year (I kid you not) and force me to fly to LA for summer vacation. I was in my 30s and still allowed myself to be manipulated. She then forced me to take a year off work because she felt lonely in LA. It eventually cost me my job, but she kept insisiting that I move back to LA to live with her: "Everyone is saying how you're selfish to leave your mom alone."
In 2016, she began to leave me strange, aggressive messages in the middle of the night, Paris time. It lasted for weeks. A couple of months later, her prodigal son and his wife robbed her blind, leaving her destitute and throwing her in a seedy nursing home. (They took all of my belongings as well.) My uncle (her brother) took her out of there, but he and his wife insisted that I fly over and bring her back to Paris with me, even though I was telling them it was risky as she had no insurance and no long-term visa. But they had already purchased her ticket.
Anyway, I flew over and thought she was just depressed over the trauma of her son's actions. No one told me she had been diagnosed with dementia. But I suspected something was amiss as soon as the plane took off.
Her other daughter, in the meantime, had emailed my uncle that she did not want to be involved in any way and we haven't heard from her since. (She lives in Switzerland) These are the prodigal kids that my parents spoiled rotten while I got the short end of the stick.
That was in February 2017. I'm still taking care of her in my home. She is not eligible for any medical aid in France, so I foot the bills. I can't afford to put her in a nursing home. I began getting severe anxiety attacks in early 2019. The pandemic and its various lockdowns have been a nightmare situation for me as her condition has worsened. I help her shower; she is incontinent and often mistakes my living room for the toilet; she wakes me up in the middle of the night; she is extremely agitated after 12:30-1pm.
I often cry because she is my mom and it saddens me, but I am beginning to harbor a lot of resentment as some of my childhood trauma is resurfacing. I recently discovered that I have hypertension due to all this stress. I am paying for having done the right thing with my mental and physical health while her other kids are living it up and couldn't care less.
When I broached the subject of being compensated, my mother hissed at me that, "You don't pay family!" I kept track of my time and made sure to send my brothers emails to let them know what I did, how my mother was, and how many hours it took.
When she finally sank into dementia far enough for one of my POA brothers to take over her finances, he agreed to pay me $20/hour. And it was his idea to pay me for the past, also. None of the other brothers disagreed. They all knew that I was pretty close to removing myself from the situation entirely, and that the next thing to happen would be that one of the POA brothers would be moving my mother to a facility in their state.
Getting paid made me consider doing things for my mother as just a job, and I was able to remove a lot of the emotional hurt for me from the situation. I'd been told by her that my time was worth nothing. While I didn't live with her, the trips out took HOURS. She called the shots, wouldn't let me do grocery shopping for her, etc.
I'm glad you finally received some compensation for your caregiving and that your brothers are showing you some respect.
That's a good plan your brother has to move mother to a care facility in his state. You will not have to be part of the caregiving in any way. You're off the "caregiver hook" now and I'm happy for you.
It's good that you didn't have to live with her along with being her caregiver. When a person also has to live in such a caregiving situation it destroys them. Especially if they had years of prior abuse and neglect from the one needing care.
Like myself. I hit the iceberg years ago and have been in the water for a very long time. Only recently have I been able to start swimming towards a lifeboat.
Brother, I sure as hell didn't "choose" it. A person doesn't realize what they're getting themselves into until they get so deep in the caregiving situation they can't find their way out.
Among siblings in a family it's almost always the one the parents cared for the least or treated the worst that ends up being the caregiver for them when they're elderly and needy. Or it's the one who didn't live up to the parents expectations. So they'll try harder then their siblings. They will tolerate more because they're looking for the love, attention and approval from the parents that they've always wanted, but will never get.
Let me say you are certainly not alone. Moms will see their sons as the golden ones who can do no wrong, while the daughter is treated with less regard than a bag of garbage that gets thrown into a dumpster.
Yet mom will expect that daughter she never valued and treated with zero respect to be a loving, patient, empathetic caregiver when her time of need arrives. She will also expect that daughter to be happy to do it even when she treats her abusively.
Sound familiar?
I bet it does. It's very familiar to me. My siblings were completely off the hook all of their lives. The sun shone out of my brother's every orifice and he was a spoiled, narcissistic brat until the day he died. My sister is off the hook because she "has a life" and is "busy". I'll be willing to bet that you were also your mother's emotional dumping ground all of your life. The lightening rod who she took her anger and frustration out on too.
Your siblings will very likely keep their communication level with you at zero to maintain the current status quo. They don't want to risk getting caught on the caregiver hook, so they won't even go near the water. There's nothing you can do to change that. You can't change how your mother regards her sons either.
What you can change is how much you give and tolerate. You decide how much you will allow.
Your mother does not decide this. Your brothers don't either. You do.
She lives in your house and you take care of her. For this alone your mother owes you not only the utmost respect, but also a bigger share of whatever inheritance she will leave behind.
If you're not going to get these things, then put her in a care facility. Or tell your brothers to work it out where she'll be living and who will be taking care of her because it will not be you.
My parents were divorced when I was a kid. My father has since passed a few years ago. Neither of them had much regard for me. My father didn't need help until the last year of his life, but my mother has for years now. They both knew that I was the only one who would do for them. They also knew that I'm not doing it for free. My siblings are fine with this because they can avoid getting caught on the caregiver hook.
My mother has learned to curb her snide, verbal abuse and passive-aggressive behavior because she's dependent on me.
When she starts up a bit, I completely ignore her. There hasn't been any "fussiness" or "stubbornness" around here for a while.
If you're planning on continuing to keep your mother with you, then it's time for you to decide what your role in her caregiving will be. She doesn't get a say. It's your decision.
When you start living like this, you will see an improvement in the way mom treats you.
My parents ended up settling by me and we never discussed my becoming their caregiver. It was expected by them and my siblings since I lived close to them. So, twenty some years of dealing with my mother's Alzheimer's and father's helplessness has been exhausting. We ended up having to place her and I was the only one to visit her. She became increasingly hostile and confused and my weekly hour long visits eventually changed to visiting her once a month for ten minutes.
Five years after her passing, my father now has dementia and caring for him has become a nightmare due to his nastiness and never ending demands. His paranoid behavior led to an anonymous caller accusing me of elder abuse which led to a visit from the friendly sheriff one evening after I had gone to bed. Fed up, I called my siblings in hysterics and said I was done and one of them needed to step up.
For the first time, we siblings have been working together as a team. I finally got the help and support I needed because they finally realized it was an impossible job for one person. My husband is a great source of help, love and strength and I have started seeing a therapist.
Only you know the answer to your question. You don't need permission to make the hard decisions, it seems that you've been doing that all along. The above answers are good and have some wonderful advice. I'm struggling to internalize many of the things that have been posted. Your aunt is in a safe place, now would be the time to spend some time taking care of yourself. I wish you my best.
I'm happy to hear that your siblings have finally stepped up and are helping with your father's care needs. Good for you seeing a therapist too because they really help. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold as far as I'm concerned.
My parents never said they expected any of us to care for them. But I think in the back of their minds, it would be me. And yes because I was the oldest girl. Dad actually felt he was going to die early from heart problems but he lived 5 months shy of his 80th bithday. It ended up being Mom who needed care for Dementia. I cared for her in my home for 20 months. Then used the money she had to place her in an AL and later LTC on Medicaid. I was not a Caregiver. I feel she enjoyed life better in the AL. Had more freedom than my house.
Brothers, one lived 8 hrs away the other was going thru a divorce. Even though I am sure they loved Mom they just never went out of their way for her. So no surprise they didn't reach out when she had Dementia. One brother said he just couldn't see her that way. I can understand that, but I saw her that way almost everyday. I am not mad at my brothers. I did what needed to be done. I don't have to do it again unless its for my DH. There's only 3 of us out of 4 alive. When we r together its like old times. I refuse to ruin that.
People don't turn mean and cruel overnight. They were like that before you just didn't see it or allowed yourself to see it. So when Mom is gone, you have done your "duty". You don't owe anyone anything.
Have you made any changes to extricate yourself from this situation? Do you have any plans to extricate yourself from this situation?
What is your mother's financial situation? Does she pay you for living in your home? Are you her POA/HCPOA?
I've been here long enough to realize that most caregivers don't make the necessary changes to make their situations better. Why won't you consider doing that?
Sometimes it's more complicated than the caregiver making 'the necessary changes to make their situations better'.
Many of us caregivers here and everywhere have put in year after year in the miserable servitude and drudgery of caregiving for an elderly parent or relative. Year after year doing it for free and with no other type of compensation.
Then we can decide to put the "loved one" in a care facility or get hired help.
Then everything the elder worked for in life and all the years we put in for free in service to them will be devoured in practically no time by some greedy nursing home. Home care can clean a person out as well.
Let's put aside the financial reasons for family caregivers and skip to the emotional ones. The guilt trips, judgement, and chastisement a caregiver who's been at it for years gets from their family and society if they show the slightest displeasure about their situation or if they ask for help. There's that too. So for so many of us this is our reality.
Even my DH has got away with marking out his role as 'tech support' (ie no bathroom assist, ever). Clever actually. His reason? He's good at that. That & he hates the other + he has sisters.. Oooww hit over the head needed.
Now if you only have sisters, do they all tussle over being equal caregivers? Well maybe, a rare beautiful find. More like one will become the caregiver, the others melt away.
Mine cooks cakes.
It's ok to get angry about this here. Vent away 😡
You nailed it. One will become the caregiver. There could be ten sisters and the caregiving will fall on one. If only it was that easy where everyone could just simply refuse assisting with toileting, bathing, and diaper changing. Some people are allowed to refuse with zero backlash or consequences for doing so. They're usually males but not always.
Yet if someone else doesn't happily accept the miserable slavery that is being caregiver to an elder with an ear-to-ear smile on their face every moment of the day, they get all the backlash and consequences.
Your sister cooks cakes, huh? Mine makes scones. Maybe they should open a bakery.
Maybe they were, and always will be?
It is okay to protect your heart and mind from here on in by not contacting them.
Sorry for the loss of your family's lack of love and concern. Waiting around for it to change will just hurt more. Change your expectations and it may start to hurt less.
You have made it thus far!
Generationally we keep women in bondage by not breaking loose of the expectation that the daughter will be the caregiver.
The very idea that she expresses that to you would leave me livid.
Are you compromised in some way to her that you feel you must accept this abuse? Are you dependent upon her?
Do you live in her home?
Even if the answer is yes you do not have to continue to be abused. I realize that when you have been conditioned, perhaps since birth, it is difficult to understand that you do not have to continue to be a servant to your patent.
I find that elderly parents that have one of their adult kids as their caregiver want more than a servant. A servant gets paid. They get one day a week off. They have lives and interests outside of their jobs and the people they serve.
In reality the elderly parent doesn't want a servant. They want a slave.
They not only want their adult child caregiver to meet all of their needs A to Z, but also want full control over every part of their life as well. They expect to be the center of their caregiver's universe. They're the sun and their adult child's life is supposed to revolve around them like a planet. They also expect it to be free. That's not a servant. That's a slave.