I need help understanding what is happening and how to manage it. My mom, who lives with us, won't empathize or comfort me when I'm having a hard time with my toddler. She'll say, "I know you're having a hard time, but I need xyz." I tried explaining that I'd appreciate if she could empathize, like say, "I know it's hard right now. This is a phase." Or, "It'll get better. You're doing a good job." Something. Anything remotely comforting, acknowledging I'm a person, instead of hiding in her room, only coming out for meals, and asking me for what she needs me to buy. This morning, after dealing with a grumpy toddler, my mom didn't even say good morning or that she's looking forward to our walk this morning. I said good morning and then she says, "I know you don't want to hear this, but I need xyz." AAAAAHHHH! How can I better explain to her that I want us to be able to have normal conversation and not just be approached for the things she needs, because she's not getting it? How do you explain that you also need empathy and comfort? I know there's a pandemic and she can't get out like she did... Is that what this is? I don't mean to feel angry or inpatient, but I'm a person! I'd appreciate your insight AgingCare community.
I'm sensing some type of resentment regarding you having a toddler to take care of that is interfering with your full attention to your mom's own wants and needs. She doesn't want to acknowledge or comfort you because of those feelings. It reminds me of some first born children who get all the attention from their parents and then new baby sister or brother comes along and they have their pouting sessions because now they have to share their parents attention.
With that being said and since I don't know your mom's age or what her illness is, it could also be she doesn't want to deal with all the things that come with raising a toddler. She may be too impatient or tired to go through all that added stress for herself so she may be disengaging to keep it at a distance especially if she's hiding in her room and just coming out for her meals.
You have already tried the best thing there is - telling her the truth that you would like her to express some appreciation and empathy for your side of the situation. I think she does get it, she's just not going to do what you have asked her to do and unfortunately, you can't keep forcing her to do so. It seems like she already does know just by saying "I know you're having a hard time..."
So since you have kept trying to use the same tactic over and over and are getting the same result, I would try going about your business very nonchalantly and see if that changes her tune once she's sees she's not pushing your buttons. I just sense she's trying to not only get her way but, trying to get your "goat" so to speak.
And of course, I think the pandemic plays a role in all our lives in one form or another and in varying degrees. But, we all have had to adjust in how we deal with it.
Bottom line, I think she wants to be the "one and only" in your household.
I wish you luck!
As a rule, people don't change their entire personalities on a dime. Something happens to change their personality, especially with the elderly. It's going to be up to YOU to figure out what's really going on with your mother by getting her in to the doctor for a physical, and by letting him or her know ahead of time about her change in personality. That's what I'd do. And, in the meantime, I'd sit your mother down for a heart-to-heart talk and I'd tell her that "when you stay in your room all day it makes me feel like I'm not worth your time"............phrase the statement in a 'when you do this, it makes me feel like that' sort of way. Which is non-confrontational and doesn't lead to a defensive rebuke from her. Think about the statements you want to make to her and see how she responds. If she flies right off the handle and gets angry and very upset, that's a bad sign ........... that maybe something is going on with her cognition levels or with her brain mechanism.
You are a human being and as such, entitled to YOUR feelings when being treated this way by your own mother. Please try not to beat yourself up during this process, but to take time out to pamper yourself instead. When mother asks for things, tell her to please leave her list on the kitchen counter and you'll get to it in the next few days. Figure out how to deal with her needs without driving yourself crazy, you know? It's hard, I know.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
According to past postings, your Dad and Mom moved across country to where you live about 3 years ago (while you were pregnant.) Apparently your Dad was placed in a LTC facility and your Mom came to live with you. Is your Dad still alive or did he pass away recently? Is it possible that your Mom misses her interaction with her husband and seeing you interact with your husband and child reminds her of what she has lost or is losing because of old age or due to COVID restrictions?
Your relationship with your Mom is changing and will continue to change as she becomes less and less able to care for herself. You are becoming the "Mother" because you are the one giving the care, and your Mom is becoming the "Daughter" because she is the person that needs to be taken care of.
The OP stated in her post that her mom says "I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME" but that she needs her mom to say "XZY"? She stated she needs her mom to "comfort her."
All I am saying is "If she is a grown woman with a child, she can't expect her mom to still baby her." It is time to grow up.
I am not trying to knock her, I'm just being REAL.
"My opinion" is just that, "my opinion."
I feel for you. I do. But it may be that as your mother's world is contracting, she is focusing more and more on her immediate needs and less and less on anybody else's needs and feelings. It's understandable that you want her to still act like she's your mother and you're her daughter. But it may not be possible for her.
I had a very good relationship, a friendship really, with my mother until I started taking care of her. At that point, I stopped being a loved one and started being treated as simply a resource. I was angry about it, honestly. My mother never really "mothered" me - and I never wanted her to. But she always related to me as a separate person with my own feelings, needs, etc., until she became dependent on me for help. It just seemed that anything that interfered or competed with her access to me as a helper was unwelcome in her world.
I know this isn't the answer you want to hear. But it may be the reality. There may be no way to get what you need from your mother, even if you could have in the past. Try to find other sources of support to rely on. That's all I can suggest.
It’s the aging process. She probably wants more attention than you can give her, and rightfully so as you are the “mama bear” now and not the center of your mother’s universe.
Maybe lowering your expectations will help as you recognize the issue and realize mom just doesn’t have it in her anymore. It’s frustrating for you but focus on you and your toddlers needs (goodness knows the baby keeps you busy!). Don’t look for support from her because she is not capable of it.
Wishing you peace and good luck!
I would hope no one would think they needed "a pat on the back."
The KEY is ..... "Your mom is staying in her room." If she wanted it all about herself; she would be out of that room doing everything she could to seek your attention.