Why won't the psychiatric and therapeutic community wake up to this need?

Officerripley,
There's no information on your profile. You mention that you're older and lonely. The groups and organizations you've joined haven't ended in forming friendships.

Medications aren't helpful in forming friendships. There won't be any "magic" pill. It takes giving of yourself and letting others into your life.

So, why don't you tell us about yourself? :)

Rip, your post isn't boring at all! How about describing what kind of friend you would like to have? What kind of friend would you like to be? Maybe describing a good friendship might give us ideas to help you develop some. I agree with Sue that a magical pill is a non-starter.

I realize a medication won't help form friendships. Want I want the med. for is to help me deal with the fact that I am lonely & get used to it. (You'd think I would've gotten used to it about over 60 yrs of trying *everything* to make friends but most things get worse as you get older, not better.) If you look into it--the UK seems to have really noticed, more than the US for some reason--most of the elderly are lonely. And the fact that I am very unlike almost all the gals in my age group around here--childless-by-choice, feminist, liberal/progressive, atheist, UNarts&craftsy, hate the outdoors, only hobby is reading--makes it even tougher. And while I appreciate the effort & good thoughts, I think it's a dangerous road to start down describing what I think would be a good friendship; that could easily lead to fantasizing about it & that way lies madness. (I was chatting on a loneliness site with a younger gal who said she had given up trying to make friends & had "made up" a friend to tell her mother about on the phone so the mother wouldn't worry about her so much. Broke my heart to see that; lying about stuff like that, even when it's to ease someone else's worry, is starting down the path to the mental ward.) Some of the latest brain research has shown that the part of the brain involved in making friends peaks at the age of 8 & then goes downhill. So guess it's true what I always heard old folks saying when I was a kid, "You'll never make any friends later in life--if you make any--that are as good as the friends you make when you're a kid; old friends are the best." And since practically nobody gets a chance anymore to stay where they lived as a kid, our society (espec. here in the too-spread-out US) is set up for loneliness. Moving closer to an urban area would probably put me in contact with old women more like me but my husband refuses to move, loves it here (and we can't afford to anyway). You know, cartoonist (Dilbert) Scott Adams--who I don't like but do agree with on this point--said something along the lines of "Marijuana & some other recr. drugs should be legalized for the elderly since being old is so awful."

Office, what did you do for a living, if I could ask?

Isn't the "medication" for that called alcohol?

Barb, I was a clerical assistant (spelled s-l-a-v-e ;-).

Needto, yeah, a little wine or vodka once in a while can calm the nerves but lotsa calories if you go that route.

Officer, some people are social butterflies and some are wallflowers. I am of the wallflower type, I rather be at home then out at some very loud restaurant.

I read where you tried volunteering. I've been doing weekend volunteer work at a local regional hospital for decades. I work the front information desk. I've had the same desk mate for the past 7 years, and we sit and "gossip" for our 3 hour shift. It is like therapy for us but without the large cost and without the drugs :) And we go back to our homes with a big smile.

I know I want to eventually downsize into a 55+ community where I am around more people closer to my age. But my sig other won't budge. I may have to move on my own... come on cats, let's pack.

Well, officer, I'm kinda' in the same boat as you are.

Our Similarities;
* Married
* Don't have any long term friends
I have 2 occasional "friends" WHEN they are available. Two long term friends "cut me loose" (5 yrs. ago and 1 yr. ago) for unexplained reasons. They've both called back to reunite but I don't want THAT type of friend.
* I don't have "hobbies" either- (this board for info) but I like to cook.
* liberal/progressive
*Don't like the outdoors either (as in hiking, camping, etc.)

Our Dissimilarities (is that a word?)
* I have a son. (We don't talk.)
* I'm a Christian. (Some days that's harder to be than others.)
* Both sexes should be treated the same, IMO. (No differences (except anatomically).

I have had to learn to deal with the fact that I'M going to be my friend. I sure can't count on anybody else to fill that roll. People are notoriously unreliable and let you down.

It also isn't easy because I live in Tijuana, Mexico. So, even though I speak Spanish, it's not easy to start forming friendships at 61 years old in a foreign country. I did better when I lived in Puerto Vallarta. I was retired when I lived there. I had to go back to work 5 years ago (long story) but I'm looking ahead to retirement (4 years left), definitely moving to another location in Mexico (maybe back to PV) and having time to make a new friend or two. I also want to teach English as a second language.

Are you retired? If so, have you thought about a tiny (10 hrs a wk) job? Often friendships are formed in the workplace.

Do you have a pet? I have 3 dogs and 4 cats. They are a great comfort to me. I really don't know what I'd do without them. No one loves you like a pet.

I suggest that, since you love to read, it might be a good idea to read/make tapes for "Books on Tape" for blind people or those who would want a taped book. I don't know how to go about doing that but I'm sure Google would have info.

We've got to be responsible for making our own happiness, officer. Others will always disappoint. Find something you love or have passion about (animals, kids, sick people, old people, plants, etc.) and go for that.

I'm not going to panic (like I did last year) that I don't have a bunch of girlfriends. I have acquaintances that I talk to once or twice a year. I guess that's good enough. Their loss.

Good luck to us. 

It's hard to make friends, it's hard to keep friends, it's hard to be a friend. It's painful sometimes. I don't have a ton of friends, but I sure cherish the connections I can make each day. Even a genuinely friendly cashier can make my day. Or a quiet moment petting an outdoor cat that has strayed out by some sidewalk while I'm doing my errands. Someone nice at church I hadn't noticed before letting me know her name and that she is usually sitting behind my dad and me. It all counts!

I say work with what you got and don't worry about other people's notions about what you supposedly should have or be doing or experiencing.

Interesting discussion. There was a recent report that loneliness is also rampant in young adults.

I went back to university at 49 and am surrounded by people the age of my children. Most my classmates would probably say I am outgoing. I am the sort of person who chats with anyone and everyone. I have many acquaintances but few friends. I can only manage one close friendship at a time.

I am now in 3rd year of my studies in a small university and although I do not know the names of all my classmates, I do know many of them. But I see that many of my classmates do not know the names of other classmates. So yes, there are personality factors. There are also cultural factors. Many of my classes are 1/3 international students, it is a huge challenge to break through the cultural barriers, but it is oh so worth it.

I would describe myself as open minded, liberal/left wing tendencies, non religious, feminist, pro-choice, incredibly interested in people and their stories, I do sew and quilt, love camping, travel in general. I enjoy being immersed in different cultures. I love new experiences, new foods. However I do not look for 'me' in other people. I can be friends with someone who is pro life, conservative, homebody.

By engaging with people who hold different beliefs, I expand my own horizons. I will ask people why they believe what they believe, but I will not try to convert them to what I believe. I may, if asked explain, what formed my beliefs.

Rereading your first post, you seem to be implying you believe you are intrinsically boring. I feel sad that you feel that label applies to you. I think of boring people as those who are not interested in anyone but themselves or those who do not look outside of their own little world to see what is beyond.

My former mil only leaves her home to go to the doctor, does not read newspapers, listen to news radio and has not had a new thought or original thought in decades. She has email contact with the same 4 friends and that is it. When she moved to this community 17 years ago, she choose not to engage with anyone outside of the small complex in which she lives (9 units). She truly is boring, if I visit, we will have the same conversation we have had for the last 25 years.

So you want your consciousness altered into happy? People do it every day. People have always done it.

Something to dull the pain?

Thanks for all the thoughts. I do however, think some people (including me) are intrinsically boring; we all know of people who everyone thinks are intrinsically charismatic, so why wouldn't some people be on the other end of the scale? And Diana, I gave up some yrs bk trying to alter my consciousness into happy. Every person who's ever lived (no matter how short a life or how long) has had a day in their life when on that day, the last good thing to ever happen to them did; and the older you get, the more likely it is that that day has already come & gone.

And to meallen, something to dull the pain? They won't put me on anti-depressants becuz of the cancer med's, so that doesn't leave much else.

To me, you sound more depressed than lonely..

Officerriley,
My ex-husband's philosophy was the glass is half empty, people will screw you if they can, Christians are hypocritical and he was "waiting to die". He would sleep 18 hours a day, when he could, then wake up with horrible headaches. When I suggested that he get on anti-depressants, his comment was, "With my luck, they'll work great but then the FDA will take them off the market." Sheesh! Because of his chronic depression (which I didn't recognize when I married him), he eventually knew that I was being pulled down into hell with him. I didn't want to go! Then I got accused of 3 affairs that I NEVER had. He was so insecure that he probably couldn't imagine that anyone would WANT to be with him. I offered to do a lie detector test but HE refused, saying that they're inaccurate. I offered to get a tattoo of his name on my behind. Fortunately the artist refused to do it for the reason that I wanted to "prove" my faithfulness. Our marriage ended the same month as our 30th anniversary.

Was he boring? Yes and no. He was an interesting person to talk to but he rarely talked to me. His lifestyle was boring. His constant headaches and ridiculous sleeping patterns were boring. The fact that I had to suggest anything we did was boring. He could not see any beauty in the day.

With all that said, I don't think the pendulum swings both ways. People are intrinsically charismatic, yes, but I don't think they are 'intrinsically' boring. I think problems (in his case-depression) MAKE you that way. To me there is SOMETHING interesting about everyone. I would be interested in WHAT you read. Fiction, non-fiction, scientific, etc.? Bet we could get a conversation going on your answer.

Your ending sentence is of prime importance. You are fighting cancer. That's not an easy journey. Often the meds make you sick and you're already weak from treatments.
It's hard to keep going at times, I'm sure. That's enough to make anybody depressed.

Your statement; "Every person who's ever lived (no matter how short a life or how long) has had a day in their life when on that day, the last good thing to ever happen to them did; and the older you get, the more likely it is that that day has already come & gone." bothers me. It reeks of hopelessness and depression. I can understand how you must feel (many of my patients had cancer) but, even if "happy" is not do-able, you can NOT loose hope. There is no magic cure to always be joyful, but there are moments that make life worth living.

I read a Christian book (I think it was called '1000 blessings'). The author had a boring writing style, she wrote the same phrases over and over but the main theme was to look for a blessing every day. I tried it. There are a lot of them out there.
Ever noticed how the sun filtering in the window hits a piece of glass or mirror that would make a tiny rainbow? How about the smell of the outdoors after the rain. A kitty wrapping it's tail around your leg? This really sounds so "cutesy-poo" but, if you LOOK for things (as though you were going to record them in a book), you can have "moments" of happiness...enough to get ya' through the day. It's like a little gift just for that moment.

I don't know the extent of your infirmity with the cancer but you can even do this bedridden. The smell of your favorite perfume, reading something new from your favorite author, leaning back on a freshly fluffed pillow, etc. I try to savor the moment for as long as I can.

I hope that you can have your moments of blessing too.

Blessings come in small packages so be sure not to overlook them.
I am disabled either temporary or permanently, I don't know which yet, but I refuse to accept the worst.
Since there are many things I can no longer manage easily I am constantly amazed at the kindness of total strangers.
Just yesterday a young woman helped me at the gas station. i couln't get the new machine at the pumps to take my credit card. She smiled asked if I needed help and came over to do it for me.
You have a very serious disease and I am sure it is dragging you down. How can it not, but remember the little things and come here often. there is a great group of people here ready to befriend you.
Get up early in the morning and watch the sun rise then do something nice for a shut in neighbor. You may never make a really close friend but you can still make friends wherever you are. I have lived in many places and always found one good friend usually because people reached out to me.

You do sound very depressed, have you always felt this way? Or has this gotten worse with the cancer tx?

I struggle with depression, everyday is a new challenge. Sometimes I wake up and wish I didn't have to "do" another day. I am on medication and have been for years. Lately, I have begun to simply accept that life is what it is...whatever I make it. I stopped living for my husband, trying to make his life awesome, b/c he didn't care or notice. I spend more time on myself, my grandkids, and the very few close friends I have. People would describe me as bubbly and outgoing, when in fact, I'm terribly shy.

I guess it's fake it till you make it--or something like that. Therapy has been amazing for me as I peel back the layers of my (extremely abusive) childhood. I'm getting better, but don't know if I will ever be "well".

One thing I do, everyday, no matter what, is to do an act of service for someone. Small or large, doesn't matter. I am not looking to change the world or anything, but each day, looking for some act of kindness I can perform helps lift me for a few moments. Sometimes that's all a day needs. Sounds hokey, but it does help.

I would check with you dr. I know quite a few people dealing with cancer treatments and most of them are on antidepressants.

Come back, chat, vent or whatever. There's a ton of us here in the same boat.

Oh, the psychiatric and therapeutic communities are VERY aware of these things. You're certainly not alone in how you feel. No psych doc can change you, no therapist can. You have to want to change. If you don't, you won't. I don't mean to sound angry, it's just that when I first went "off the rails" the place I went was to the psych ward at the hospital. (20+ years ago). I have been seeing my psyhc dr for that length of time. I have seen 4 different therapists and have landed on one who is a great fit for me.

You have to want to change and you must work at being proactive in that change. It isn't the fault of the "system".

Office,

"Every person who's ever lived (no matter how short a life or how long) has had a day in their life when on that day, the last good thing to ever happen to them did; and the older you get, the more likely it is that that day has already come & gone. "

I have had bouts of depression over the years, but I can honestly say that I have never believed the statement quoted above. Even in the deepest depression I tried to find one small thing to be positive about, of if I could not find that one thing to be positive about in my own life, I would give someone an unexpected compliment. Knowing I had the power with a few simple words to put a smile on someone's face helped to reinforce my value.

Now I am comfortable talking to strangers. So complimenting someone on their hair style/colour, tattoo, shoes, clothes, smile, is easy for me to do.

At 51, after a terrible divorce followed by betrayal from my family, I have decided to live my best life. I do not manage it every day, but most I do. I refuse to be chained to the past.

I don't understand your statement about antidepressants and cancer meds. There is a field called " behavioral oncology"; these are docs who specialize in the treatment of depression and other behavioral/psychiatric issues that arise in cancer patients.

I have several friends on cancer meds and antidepressants. I think there is usually a combination of meds that works. Please seek out some better advise on this issue.

Officer,
Are you not taking antidepressants because you have bad side effects from them?

I took 2 different AD's, they gave me chest pain. I didn't feel right about that so I said, "Patient heal thyself!" Haha 😜

If I have anxiety, I'll take an Ativan occasionally. I don't believe I have depression. I'm sad and heartbroken about my mom and son, but the treatment for anxiety these days seems to be antidepressants.

In your lifetime you have only 5 what you can call true friends. The rest are people you know and deal with, but nothing else.

You're not missing much if you don't have a lot of friends.

Family and friends are great, but, you never can rely on them for your own happiness. That's why I think it's important to maintain as good of a relationship with yourself as possible. If you like yourself, loneliness isn't a problem, imo. And if you can be your own cheerleader, you worry less about what others have to say. No man is an island, but, to me, having peace with yourself, makes you attractive to others.

As we age, it seems that so many of our friends have their own issues, divorces, money issues, adult child problems, medical problems, career issues, etc. If we can support each other and keep those bonds strong, it's great, but, that's not always the case. When I see how things have gone for others, I start to feel like I've been pretty lucky. Life is really full of surprises and you really never know what others are dealing with behind closed doors. 

Sunnygirl1, Great answer! No one can make another person happy. Be your own best friend.

Offi,
Your rant is not necessarily b o r i n g, and it seems you have found a platform here.

What is boring, imo, are people who refuse to have a friend that is not a clone of oneself.
The depth of your friendships are up to you. Therapists and psychiatrists are medical professionals with guidelines and rules that prohibit becoming "friends" with their patients.

From reading here, I understand that you are lonely at times, and suffering. 

Maybe I am way off here, but sometimes we must look to ourselves to change, get treatment for mood disorders (even medicines), force ourselves to become friend worthy. It is better, imo, to reach out from a position of offering friendship rather than from a position of needing a friend. Even so, there are all kinds of friends.

Some friends want to share rants about how awful getting old is. Like I said, you have found a platform here, and if that is your goal, rant away.

It is just awful to me that older friends and family never warn us that our skin will loosen and become like crepe paper if we don' t moisturize.

Thanks for the good thoughts all; I guess I gave the wrong impression--didn't mean to--but I don't have cancer right now; they've got me on tamoxifen to keep it from coming bk & there is 1 & only 1 anti-depress. (according to my doctors & the Amer Cancer Society) that they'll prescribe when you're on Tam. & that 1 didn't agree with me. So maybe this April when I'm supposed to get off the Tam, I can try Zoloft--my hubs. takes that & says it helps; one can hope. & I have tried therapy but as soon as the therapist found out I'm an atheist, she turned ice cold. (I'm in a bible belt here.) And I can't afford to try another. (I heard group therapy can be good & is less expensive but no therapists in this area are doing group therapy anymore; 3 diff. therapists told me they stopped doing it becuz "grp. therapy doesn't work well with women patients.")

What I like to read: poli. science, feminism, sociology mostly; getting tired of fiction, just don't seem to have much taste for anything that isn't real (proven) anymore.

Do you have a problem with being alone? Do you have interest like reading. I have one daughter who has to have people around her all the time. The other likes her alone time. She worried when she was younger about it but I asked her if she liked being with herself and she said yes. What brought about your posting? People saying you need to get involved at an AL or independent living?

What brought on my post is I'm tired of being lonely & reaching out to try to make friends & it getting harder & harder to do so. So yes, thank goodness I do like to read, that helps some but it'd be great to have some1 to talk to (in person, not just online) besides my hubs; all we ever do together anymore is argue about politics.

Does your local library have any book clubs or reading groups? I've found those to be good. I try to go to ones that feature authors I like or ideas that are in sync with my interests. Arguments over politics seem to be causing in almost every facet of life now. I like Aging Care because politics are rarely mentioned. Being on the liberal side of things is not always popular now.