She doesn't live with me. I actually live an hour and a half away. She is frail, 88 years old and on a walker. My brother lives 20 minutes from her and has a personality disorder. He is part of the stress cause my mom treats his problems as hers. She is rigid, has a anxiety disorder, and is impossible person. I am sick of her and her problems. I'm sick of a lot of things about her. There is no one else. I'm pretty much all she has. So she calls me to help with her problems. My brother only takes her to doctor appointments sometimes and calls 911 in emergency and visits in hospital the few times she was inpatient. There is lots more to the situation. There is always a new problem. I just wish one of us could die. So I could stop worrying or and be stressed so often.
. I sure wish my mother wouldn't have to live so long. My husband doesn't understand. I tried to talk to him. He just doesn't understand.
Are you only wishing that you would die or do you have a plan? If you have a plan, then dial 911 and get yourself some help. Has your doctor ever diagnosed you with depression or anxiety which needed some meds. That might give you some temporary help while you look into what else could be done to take this burden from being completely on your shoulders.
I gather that she is still living in her house. How old is she?
If you don't mind my asking, but what personality disorder does your brother have?
Is your mother taking her meds for her anxiety disorder.
Does your mother have the means to afford her paying for in home help?
Does your mother's doctor think it would be better if your mother did not live alone?
Would your mother qualify for medicaid?
Has she given you or someone else durable and medical POA?
Other than not understanding, what does your husband think you should do about your mother? I don't know why he cannot understand the emotional toil that this is taking on you and that must make you feel very isolated.
You said that there is more to the situation. Feel free to vent and share away for that will help people in their feedback.
I have a brother who lives in another state and is no help at all. Whenever I write him about being frustrated with a particular situation, he always says "Well don't beat yourself up about it." I'm not beating myself up, I'm just sharing my frustrations. So I've learned to limit my information to him, because he winds up making me feel angrier and more frustrated. But he's never cared for anyone else and has no f'ing clue what is involved. So I try to limit my discussions about my mom and caregiving to others who will get it. But that's a very limited number of people.
Even former caregivers will say stupid things. One friend tried to talk me into a 17 day trip to Italy next year. She was only a real caregiver for a year or two (I'm in year 13 for mom and had 9 years with mom and dad together). Another one tells me I'll miss this and that about caregiving. No I won't. She took care of her mom for a short time too.
So it is depressing and maddening, but you do the best you can and call in outside help (counseling/medication) if you need it to keep your spirits on an even keel. And come to this site often - it's wonderful because we all get it! From one caregiver to another - {{{{hugs}}}}.
MIL on the other hand, is happy as a lark at the ALF.
I've also wondered at the sense of entitlement to family care that seems to have arisen in the Depression/Prosperity Era elders. Neither my parents' line had any type of caregivers, though many lived into the 80s. One grandfather had a son who took him grocery shopping. This grandfather never drove, so that was a lifelong thing the son did for him. Elders now seem to be a lot more dependent on their children. I've wondered what created this in so many people. It doesn't seem that it has as much to do with living longer than it does with being less healthy physically and mentally.