My mother is 90 years old her health is great and she is physically able to live independently, but the loneliness and social isolation is beginning to take a toll. My mother does not speak English and we live in an English speaking country. A retirement home would not help her social isolation as she would have no one to connect with. My siblings and I all want to support our mum but we also recognize that it is a big undertaking for one person to bring her into their home. Would it be unwise for us to take turns housing my mother in our homes? Would the change every 6months/1year be good for her or would it potentially cause harm to her psyche and health?
Also, what would happen when mom starts getting sicker and sicker? At her age, it’s bound to happen. Whose house will she be in when she isn’t able to do her daily living tasks, like go to the bathroom by herself? Who gets stuck with being her full-time care giver? That seems dangerously like a game of Russian roulette, everyone praying that it’s not them.
At some point, she might have a preference and want to live with THAT specific child.
Remember, it’s not just about her. It’s about all of you. Caregiving (having her in your home) mustn't destroy you.
Anyway, such decisions are reversible. You can try it out, change your mind.
It CAN work & it can NOT work - very much depends on many factors. Households, personalities, locations.
Getting honesty from the very start will help. Each houshold that volunteers must freely volunteer. (Unsaid resentment from siblings or guilting to be part of the team won't help).
Also, it may look more social living with family but may cut off the natural connections your Mother has in her community? (Unless you all live near). Eg Does she attend church/synagogue/faith group? Local women's group? Have local shopkeepers she talks to?
My Grandmother lost all that.
She liked to cook but very much disliked being a 'guest' & not feeling able to cook her way or have her own kitchen space.
Houshold pets became tripping hazzards. Not having the same Doctor was a hinderence too. (Although telehealth may help these days?)
Consider what your Mother likes to do, what solo space she will need for her own. It may well work out fine.
One thing that they did was very clever. They kept clothing and everything else she needed at each location. So, there was absolutely no need for packing and unpacking when rotating. Many people keep sets of clothes in each parent’s house for children after a divorce as they also go back and forth between homes.
Their mom was a very sweet, easy going woman. It’s definitely less work than doing caregiving year round. Lesser of a concern for burn out.
Not that caregiving at home is ever easy. Certainly though, it is your decision to make. You can always discuss looking at alternatives as well in case things don’t go well.
One thing for the list of options to try might be care in M’s own country, with a planned schedule of visits from you and your siblings. That might be better value for money, and might solve the language problems. Another option might be to research finding USA facilities with language speakers among the staff, even the cleaners (easier if M speaks a language likely in migrant workers). And one more option, check to find an organisation for ex-pats from your M’s country. They might know of places with the right language option. I’ve written before to a woman who found a Finnish Association in Melbourne Australia, with language speakers who could support her mother – and I didn’t even know that we had Finnish migrants here. Language really does matter!
It didn't keep grandma from feeling lonely; she still had no one of her age to talk to.
My mother spent a lot of time and energy trying to please her mother, which had a negative affect on our family as a whole.
Yes, it all depends on the individual circumstances. It can work out in some cases, other times it won’t.
Many years ago, when my husband and I were saving money for a house, we rented a house in an established neighborhood that had a mix of different aged people.
An elderly woman, a widow at that point in time lived down the street from us.
Her name was Ruth Falcon. Her only child, a daughter, also named Ruth Falcon was an opera singer and was living in New York.
Her daughter graduated from Loyola and Tulane University here in New Orleans. She sang all over the world.
Ruth would visit her mom as much as she could but she had a thriving career and didn’t get back to New Orleans as much as she would have liked.
Anyway, I and two other women around my age (early 30’s) on our street looked out for our elderly neighbor, Ruth. She was a sweetheart! We adored her. She was blessed to have good health. Between the three of us Ruth was well cared for.
She absolutely loved being around younger women like us much more than older people her age because she didn’t get to see her own daughter very much. They spoke on the phone often though.
She was thrilled that her daughter achieved her dream as an opera singer and would have never asked her daughter to leave New York and return home to New Orleans. Her daughter started singing as a young person in her church and the rest is history.
The daughter did marry but chose not to have children due to her career. My neighbor was like a grandmother to my daughter and both of my other neighbor’s sons. We always invited her to BBQ’s, birthday parties, holiday gatherings and so on.
She adored music and the Louisiana Philharmonic Symphony would have dress rehearsals in the daytime for something like $4.00!
We took her every month to hear music. We also took her to lunch afterwards. We took her to the park. She told us wonderful stories of her youth.
Her daughter would keep in touch with my next door neighbor by phone and tell her how much she appreciated us looking out for her mom and doing fun things with her.
Wouldn’t it be great if every older person was like this? That will never be a reality but it is a nice thought.
I missed her when we moved. My oldest daughter was two and a half years old when we moved away.
Not long afterwards my dad got sick. Mom started having seizures and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and I became too busy to continue to visit with Ruth and the other women.
How many of them have spouses? Do the spouses all willingly agree?
What happens when Mom needs more personal caregiving help? What if she starts getting confused? Will she end up with the person who has her at that time? (Or will it be you, who seem to be the one doing the most for Mom now?) What happens if some of the siblings want out of the arrangement at that time?
Do the siblings all work now? If so, then what happens when Mom needs someone there all the time? And if there are spouses, it's best to NOT assume that any of the spouses who don't work outside of the home will be willing to take on Mom's supervision during the day.
You would have a most unusual family if all siblings took Mom in for equal periods of time. Usually one or more siblings (often all but one) back out of the arrangement, and then one sibling is left taking care of Mom (or Dad) fulltime, often resentfully.
Which sibling(s) have POA? HCPOA?
Ultimately the “closer” child found a “boarding house” that was on a local farm, and Grandma adjusted quite well, and lived there for several years.
It cost my father the money that had been saved to put me through college, because there was no insurance (maybe SS, not sure) but everything sort of worked out for the best.
We are fortunate that finances are not an issue for my mom and all of us would also be able to assist should she ever outlive her savings and investments.
My biggest concern would be a yearly or 6month move taking a toll on her. We will just have to see how she feels about it and how it goes.
We are starting slow. Starting this week my mother is going to take turns spending the weekend at each of her children’s houses. The rest of us will step up to visit her more during the week.
We will see if this helps with her loneliness and isolation.
If she expresses she needs more or if we feel there is no improvement then we will discuss moving her in with one of us.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts advise and feedback. I will take this all into consideration going forward.
Since you're all "empty nesters" would it be possible for each of the siblings to take turns staying at mom's house. 2 to 3 months each time. You can begin the process of going through "stuff" that mom has accumulated and "saved" for each of you.
This would keep mom in her home, keep her in an area that she knows, keep her with her friends.
Granted this would take you and your siblings away from your families, away from your homes and friends but my guess is you might be able to adjust a bit better than mom.
And at some point someone will have to go through her home and go through stuff. What better time than when she is there to express what she wants done with stuff and to talk about the items she has accumulated.
why not try it? If you see it’s taking a toll on mom, rethink the adventure. Decide among you kids what’s the next step?
Sounds like fun… can I be your moms traveling Assustant? Maybe have a grandchild who is an adult travel grandma to the next destination. And get the grandkids involved in helping GM to her next home..
mayve this way, when she does need to settle, whose home is a better fit or city is a better fit?
enjoy her… sounds good
So I wouldn't be too optimistic about such an arrangement.....
My great grandma did the same. She came and stayed with us a couple of weeks and then ventured to Baltimore, MD and stayed with her son for awhile before returning to South Carolina. She wasn't old by today's standards and could still get around. She did a lot of work in her church down south, and continued to work as a midwife before finally retiring.
I enjoyed them both. This was the thing a long time ago. The grandmothers did live with family back then and no one complained. These were good grandmothers who helped with the teenage kids, cooked, cleaned and did the laundry.
Now with my dad's mother, it was story. She was a nightmare and stayed on my mother's case the entire time during her visit. We were glad to see her go. She could be sweet at times but very bossy. One time she got mad at granddad after he had an affair and tried to move in with my parents. Granddad told her to bring her a$$ back home because he knew she was driving everyone up the wall with her behavior.
Today, there is a new breed of old people with severe entitlement issues. Even the folks I take care of on some of my homecare cases are different from the ones thirty years ago.
All the "what ifs" are just that. Try it and find out the realities for all concerned.
Best of luck to you
Changing doctors several times a year can be / would be problematic. (unless of course all the siblings live in the same area)
This started when Auntie was 95 and no one expected her to last very long. She is now 99 and the experience has taken a toll on her kids. Spending 24/7 with an elderly person can be exhausting and you become the sole social interaction, cook, cleaner, caretaker, etc. An elderly person may need constant monitoring, a simple trip to the bathroom and result in a fall so you have to be on high alert all the time.
How will you entertain your mother? Will she have friends who can visit and give you a break? Will she have her own bedroom, TV, bathroom? Auntie watched old Westerns 10 hours a day till we could all recite the dialog! How about your life? Will you be able to follow your regular schedule, work, exercise, social, etc?
And what happens as your mom ages and becomes inform? You need to have a Plan B in place. Auntie fell and broke her leg and is now in a nursing home and surprisingly content as long as she has her Westerns and the occasional visitor.
Harm to your Mom's psyche and health now? Probably not. However, if any of you are in different states and she is on Medicare, make sure that her insurance will cover her as she moves from state-to-state.
I have a Medicare Advantage plan. The one that I had last year, considered anything that I did out-of-state, as being out of network. All of them say that emergencies are covered if you are out of state. However, not all will say that routine care (e.g. physical therapy) out of state is covered. As soon as a person moves from one state to another, Medicare will change your residency to the new state.
If you and your siblings haven't dealt with Medicare yet and you live in different states, I highly suggest that you talk with SHIP (a federally funded program in all states that give you unbiased assistance on Medicare insurance) to ensure that your Mom is covered by medical insurance.
One other thought as you embark on this adventure. As your Mom gets older, you might have to get help from managed care. If your Mom doesn't speak English, how are you going to accommodate this? Will she move back to her native country? Another possibility would be to get her acclimated to a Independent Living facility that will accommodate her until end of life. Because she has all her faculties now, she can learn the routines and the new way of life, prior to becoming dependent upon someone else.
Good luck and enjoy your Mom while she is healthy enough to enjoy life.
Once a person begins to experience any cognitive decline (and even more so if they have dementia) - every time you move them it is cumulative and causes quiet a bit of anxiety. The adjustment period is longer each time. It can cause confusion and disorientation and agitation. She could be a perfectly sweet person but it could cause personality swings simply because it upsets the apple cart because she needs consistency.
Now, to give you context -we were discussing my FIL (who is almost 90 and has a number of comorbidities and early dementia) and his adjusting to moving to their nursing home after several stints in hospital and rehab after a number of years at home with full time family care. He just returned to their care after a brief hospital stay again and she was reminding us that every single time he changes locations it impacts his personality and his ability to feel settled and that his agitation and confusion are coming from the move to and from the hospital.
So to your question - while you know her best -there IS potential to impact both her psyche and her health if she is moving too frequently or frankly at all, especially with the language barrier. I don't know what the answer is - I just know that it could have impacts - but honestly everything has impacts so you can't feel too guilty about everything when you are just doing the best that you can. Does all of the family live in the same English speaking country? Does anyone live in her home country that could live near a retirement home where she could be comfortable? Are there any other options that would be a compromise?
Side note: while regular Medicare covers you anywhere in the US, Medicare Advantage plans MAY have restrictions like this. I know I'll keep this in mind for my own insurance in the future.
I am an 84 year old person writing this comment, and I know what it is to be moving every 2 years, as I was an Army wife for 20+ years. Seems like family members wouldn't keep Mom that long, but want to get rid of her in less time, shift onto another sibling. What a life for Mom!!!
Have each child stay with the parent for 1-2 months at a time.
The elderly parent shouldn't be moved.
Find caregivers that speak her language.
Read up on elders as they age, esp in their 90s.