About 6 weeks ago my 81 yr old mom became sick and was admitted to the hospital. From there she needed rehab in a nursing care setting. (I have cared for my mom in her home for the last 5 yrs. Alone and all by myself. Talk about burnout I had it. Her demands were constant. The worry was killing me.) So back to what i was saying. She entered a nursing home for 2 wks of rehab. Exactly 2 wks to the day- back in the hospital. This time serious, and in the icu. Bacck to the nursing home for more rehab. We had a meeting last week and all agree that she needed long term care and that she would stay there permantly. :'( 2 weeks almost to the day(thanksgiving) she was admitted back into the hospital in critical condiction in the icu again. Her immune system is so week. She has never been this sick. She has copd, chf, and dementia. Her lung disease has progressed so much, she never fully recovers and now it is affecting her heart. I can't help but feel that if she was still at home this might not have happened. The doctor did say that she is surrounded by new germs and she has a weekened immume system. I feel like I need to bring her back home and keep her well. What do I do? Sacrifice me and keep her well or send her back to the nursing home and watch her decline. The drs told me yesterday that one day she will not bounce back from this. I don't think I can handle the guilt of this. I have already lost her to dementia but I don't want to lose her. She is my everything. Does anyone have any thoughts?
You will do her more good by staying healthy and doing what you can for her in the current situation that by trying to take her home - sick as she is - and getting sick yourself. Nearly all of us have these guilty feelings. It's natural and normal. But you are getting her the help she needs. She is very sick and would not likely do better at home.
You can't sacrifice yourself - she would not want that, believe me. You are doing what needs to be done. Be at her side when you can, work with the doctors and staff, and then understand that if she got sicker at home, you blame yourself for that. Caregivers second guess themselves constantly - it's the name of the game. Please take care of yourself, for her as well as for you.
Carol
After putting my mother in a nursing home, close to our home, I was so regretful and not informed at what then happens. She was only allowed one night away a month and when they gave her cigarettes and used inhalers on her at the same time, when she was made to watch 3 roommates die in the same room, when the nurse pulled up a roommate by her hair, etc. etc. etc. Then to be told, I could not change her nursing home unless she had been in a hospital for 3 days and nights....well, this entire industry is a scam. They refused to give her milk...always watered down lemonade mix. (Helps their bottom line!)
This industry needs deparately to be cleaned up. They are heartless, ruthless criminals......now let me tell you how I really feel.
Hugs to you. It is heartbreaking to lose a loved one bit by bit to dementia. It is anguish to watch the physical deterioration of a loved one. Let yourself grieve, unhampered by guilt. This is not your fault.
Your post reminded me of all the misery my Dad went through until he passed, and right now I'm almost blinded by tears that hurt my throat and give me a headache as I try to hold them back. But sc__w it! Let them flow.
You're fighting 2 wars on 2 different fronts. On the one hand giving in, giving up, and surrendering isn't an option when it comes to your Mom. On the other, self-preservation. Trying to keep yourself from unraveling vis-a-vis Mom's condition(s) is a daily balancing act.
The 2nd guessing and the guilt will always be there, but you're doing the best you can with what you have.
I bid you farewell for now my Queen. Stay in touch, or we'll come looking for you.
On the other hand, I had a professional tell me when I was much younger, "You can never make up for what is missing in another's life". Being very sensitive and knowing my mother's childhood, it was natural (unfortunately) for me to try my entire life to make up for her past. Even remembering what the professional said to me, I could not help but try to make her happy. I was brought up and made to feel that everything was my fault....so it was a toxic combination. I was 55 when my mother past. I still have very mixed feelings as to whether I did the right thing when I bought her home after a terminal diagnosis. She watched and lamented her entire life about her own mother, my grandmother, and how she didn't "buy good time" by intubating her and trying so hard to make her live after a lung cancer diagnosis.
Good luck in sorting everything out. It's hard and I have found some peace in a philosophy that centers on acceptance of the impermanance of life, thoughts and things. That same professional also said to me, "Everyone does the best they can." It just doesn't get any truer than that.
See All Answers