My mother in law with dementia has lived with us for 4 years now. We both have full time jobs and we have a care giver stay with her during the day. She is actually pretty easy. I guess I’m selfish because I want to just come and go as I please without having to find a sitter for her. My husband just had knee surgery and we put a raised seat on the toilet. If you have used one you know they get kinda gross. The seat is too tall for my MIL. I can’t handle the potty messes and smells that she makes and don’t want them using my bathroom. (Told ya, selfish) So, my husband is now going to see a specialist to have a Geniculate Artery Embolization which means more recovery time. So, am I really selfish for not wanting her to stay with us? I think his brother needs to take his turn taking care of her.
You do not have to justify to anyone why you're not having your MIL come stay at your house. There's nothing selfish about it. You had her for four years and enough is enough. It's someone else's turn to take care of her. It's your BIL's turn.
Hold strong to your boundaries and your refusal to have her at your house again. Don't let anyone talk you or guilt you into taking your MIL in.
Guilt is out of the question.
You didn't cause your MIL condition.
You cannot FIX MIL condition.
Both those things would be necessary to enable you to feel guilt.
What you feel is grief and helplessness.
You are not trained nor equipped to do care of this level and you have jobs and lives.
You may think that the brother should assume the care.
I don't.
I think the brother is wise to in no way assume the care for someone he is not ready, willing and able to take care of. I spent my entire life as an RN and I can tell you right now that I personally wouldn't assume this care. I know my limitations. I accept my limitations. I am not up for Sainthood and it is a kind of hubris to think that we have unlimited abilities to address all that can happen in life.
I am very sorry your MIL is going through this. You are as well. That's called GRIEF, not guilt. That is called a tragedy happening to her that you and her son must stand helpless witness to you. I caution you to put your MIL into safe care, visiting her and loving her. Assuming care you aren't trained for will make you a caregiver, not a son and DIL. You need to stay a DIL, not a caregiver.
That's my advice. Not everything can be fixed in life. Not everything has an answer. And throwing your own lives on the funeral pyre of an elder will not help her or you.
Your husband, mother in-law are being selfish thinking that this can be an ongoing arrangement. I think it is time to start with making arrangements for an assisted living or a nice home. I've seen some nice group homes for the elderly and they are really nice.
B. MIL needs a caregjver. DH out of action so that is also you.
A + B = overload for you.
So which one will go elsewhere for recovery or care?
Discuss with your dear Husband. Tell him you are Amazing 😁 but just ONE person - so one of you must go elsewhere for care. Suggest MIL goes to stay elsewhere for the short term. Then mention, soonish you'd also like to discuss the longer term plan for MIL.
While it would be NICE if the brother offered, or was open to the idea if you asked him, it was yours & DH's decision to take MIL in, right? Therefore, you have the responsibility to arrange an alternative. Brother is not obligated to be your backup. Although, ask him! He may see that as fair!
Warning: If at any point your DH calls *you* selfish for not taking care of BOTH he & MIL - get a mirror ready to hold up. To reflect that back to him. For him to examine..
Q. Are his expectations realistic?
Q. What is his motivation to look after his Mother in his own home?
Q. Did he *promise* this?
Q. Was that wise?
Q. How can he make adaptions fo suit ALL of you as you all age?
PS or maybe your DH will have to go elsewhere for his revovery?
This way the OP is offering everyone a choice.
You are only able to be a caregiver for your husband , so you are resigning from working for your mother in law.
You know your limits; good for you.
You can’t caregive for 2 people! Each person needs 2-3 caregivers to be ideal.
Take care of you! 💐