My husband died five days ago after 12 years of Alzheimer's. I took care of him ALONE for 11 of those years. Nobody relieved me. He was adamant he did NOT want a funeral or get-together on his behalf of any kind. Extended family has decided, without consulting me, only each other, they want a "Zoom Celebration". I can't believe how excited they are to plan a Zoom. I don't want to participate and will not participate. I'm tired. I'm worn out. I loved him dearly. I was dedicated to his care. Married 52 years. But he wouldn't want this. Do I quash it or just refuse to participate and let them do what they want? I don't even like the word "celebration" when someone dies.
You do what is best for YOU. Be kind to yourself. God bless you and cover you in His loving peace.
I don't like celebration for end of life either, however I have been to a couple of them and, I suppose, for what they tried to relay about the person they accomplished it. I just lost my brother and I cannot find anything to celebrate at this point. I am proud of his life accomplishments, but I just can't celebrate losing him.
The funeral, memorial, celebration of life, is a way for family, friends, coworkers and more to say good bye. It is rarely for the deceased.
It is a time and place to reminisce, tell stories and find closure. Generally too support is offered to the remaining family.
You cannot stop what is planned. You can choose to participate or not.
If you feel certain he would not have wanted this, tell them he would not have wanted it.
However, you cannot control other people and they will probably do it anyway.
Now is the time for you to concentrate on you. You do not want to be a part of it, so don’t. Instead, try to occupy yourself with something you might enjoy while they have their Zoom.
Best of luck to you.
So generous of a heart at a time of loss.
Maybe this is your role...to be continued....on AC.
I totally agree with your advice to ignore the zoom celebration.
Many blessings to Sister 46 and to you.
I would be angry. it is really easy to make a show of "how sad it is" and "how much we will miss him" but they did not do the hard work of caring for him and showing up for him when he was alive.
11 years is a long time to take care of someone, especially when you're alone. You must have spent much of that time feeling very lonely and isolated.
A funeral - or whatever term people want to use - is for the living, not the dead. I can well understand your exhaustion. I can also imagine you are feeling a good bit of anger towards these family members, as it must seem like they had no great affection for your husband while he was alive - or they would have taken more of a role in his care - but now that he's gone, they're excited to plan a funeral. I can't even begin to imagine how furious that must make you, and rightfully so.
You need to find time to rest now, and time to grieve. It is now time for you to concentrate on you and what YOU need. If you choose not to participate in this ceremony, for whatever reason, that is your prerogative, and you don't have to justify that to anyone. Just be sure the decision is what you want - not what your husband would have wanted - and it's a decision that you won't look back on a year from now and say "I wish I had done that differently.".
Everyone grieves differently. If you are the kind of person that needs solitude during times like this, then be at peace with your decision to not participate. However, if you feel like you would benefit from having people near you now, then participate on your own terms - or plan something with people who you care about and who can offer you comfort during this time. You are what matters right now.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))
I was there in April when my mum passed away suddenly with Covid-19. Rest of the family wanted to talk and as it was during lockdown, I was never off the phone it seemed when I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts of my mum and reflect on how I was going to face going forward without her in my life. Going forward is much better than being told your moving on.
In terms of your dilemma with the zoom celebration. I would refrain from trying to tell others what to do, after all people grieve in different ways and noone should be told how that process should happen. But also the same applies to yourself. Kindly decline your involvement and remember him in your own way. Go for a walk or do an activity that you know you both enjoyed or got pleasure from. Visit a place close to you both.
Time is an healer in this things and you will find it easier to go forward with him playing a part in your life in a different way to before but still part of it. The main thing to remember that it's not a race and you will go through the grieving process at different pace to everyone else and with different highs and lows along that process. Just be kind to yourself along that journey and you will be fine.
As far as the Zoom gathering, I would let family know your husband’s wishes and that you do not feel comfortable going against what he wanted and you will not be participating, but if they feel like it’s something they need to do you can’t stop them.
Your husband's care was your focus for a very long time. You did all you could to make his last years as good as they could be, and you did it alone. He knew that, and that is what's important. Let the zoom gathering happen and rest assured that it can do no harm at this point. And bless you for those 12 years of caring love.
And the word "celebration" when used in death, for us christians just means that we are now rejoicing that our loved one is now home with Jesus in heaven, and that they no longer have to suffer here in this world. It really is something to celebrate, even though the loss to loved ones left behind is hard.
Wishing you God's peace, comfort and rest during this difficult time.