I am 64 and my mother is 82-I recently moved to the area she lives in. She lives by herself in a retirement community. She is selfish, controling and is alway lying. Now she is always been this way but getting worse. I am trying to help her but when I do -she says I need to mind my own business. If I cant go take her someplace she pitches a fit like a 5 year. Please someone give me some advice. I have seen therapists in the past and all told me I needed to divorce her. Not sure I can because of guilt and also thinking about my dad-who died four years ago-he loved her even though she was awful to him. Please what should I do
What are you feeling guilty over? It sounds like your mother is very effective at using emotional blackmail on you which comes in the package of F.O.G. fear, obligation and guilt.
Your mother sounds like she is functioning fine in her retirement community as a narcissistic self and you can't force her to accept her help as long as she is considered competent.
If you are hoping for her to change and become the mother that it sounds like you never had, then you can put that idea aside. You didn't make her how she is. You can't control her. Nor can you fix her and make her better. All you can really do is chose a healthy path for yourself (boundaries) and stay on that path no matter what she does or does not do.
While I am sure that I would not use the word divorce, I would say you need to emotionally detach from your mother and show her love in terms of making sure she is safe and when she needs more help is taken care of. I would avoid bringing her home to live with you. That would be a horrible experience.
There is a thread "The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?" where you can find several people dealing with narcissistic parents.
Later today, I'm going to post some information about detaching which I hope will help.
I think in the end when I reflex on what I've done I'll be glad I did it. I'm setting a good example for my children and they'll help me in my old age.
When my three, yes three, girls were in college at the SAME TIME, my brother asked her to be kind and send me an airline ticket so I could visit.Money was tight then. Her response was "the plane might crash". And yes, she has almost a million dollars. I could bitch for ever, but I won't. Aren't you glad.
But do know there are alot of us out there and we can give you some good advice. You are not alone. And no more guilt. That is how she gets her way. :)
cmagnum started a wonderful thread about narcissists. Your Mom and mine are such people. Read the link daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com. There is so much information that will help you. And get angry. Yes, angry. She is selfish and using you and doesn't know what real love is. Then step away. I have and it really helps. And no I don't feel guilty because she still plays her little games.
As for the doctor, of course she is manipulating him, that is what she does. Mom complains about being lonely but won't do anything, and I mean anything about it. She expects someone to do it "for" her. Cater to her needs. No one likes her very much. Neighbors have tried, family, everything is on her terms.
So what you will learn is you can not change them, you can not interact with them, and you have to disengage with them. They of course will blame you becasue they are blameless. But who cares? At some point you won't care either. That is how you survive.
there are a lot of parallels between this thread and the caregiver how are you doing dysfunctional family thread.
Narcissists never change. They do not miraculously become the Mother you wished for! Some characteristics get worse, some disappear, but there will come a time when she will not be as combative or manipulative--as mine is at 94. Some, however, find a way to manipulate us all the way to the grave, and we are the only ones suffering.