I am 64 and my mother is 82-I recently moved to the area she lives in. She lives by herself in a retirement community. She is selfish, controling and is alway lying. Now she is always been this way but getting worse. I am trying to help her but when I do -she says I need to mind my own business. If I cant go take her someplace she pitches a fit like a 5 year. Please someone give me some advice. I have seen therapists in the past and all told me I needed to divorce her. Not sure I can because of guilt and also thinking about my dad-who died four years ago-he loved her even though she was awful to him. Please what should I do
If your parent is in a retirement community then she is looked after safety wise and let her go. Do not call or answer ( get a machine)
She has lifelong psyc issues and she can't ever change now. She is bitter and do not her drag you into bitterness. it is sad we had to have that kind of parent but save yourself and get some distance/less interaction. You care and that is enough. She will never thank you
However, I have a narcissist brother in law and know of many other narcissistic men. Their cruel behavior at home is forcefully kept hidden from the view of outsiders - just like narc mothers manipulate family members to "keep quiet" about the abuse at home. Sadly, patriarchal culture is pervasive around the world. Even our "christian" churches here in the US often turn a blind eye concerning male aggression with wives and children as it is seen as a "strength" for a father to be a strong "disciplinarian". Thankfully, more and more of us are learning... to protect ourselves as we let go of the guilt they created in us to "care for them" at all costs to our own well being. Too bad for most of us, no one at church or in the extended family came to our rescue when we were scared and traumatized little kids...
For me, the answer was to establish clear boundaries. It's not about never talking or seeing them again. It's about the role reversal - and you are now more of the decision maker, POA, Health Care Surrogate, etc. With these powers that were given to you by your parent, you have to begin recognizing when you feel you are being taken advantage of by your parent. And, that is when you start establishing clear boundaries that if your parent is alert you verbalize to them; and, if your parent suffers from dementia or Alzheimer's you must create these boundaries with your self and you are the one who is control of which choices you make in regard to your parent. What are you willing to do, how much can you put up with, when to draw the line that enough is enough. You must take the lead, and establish that you are capable of sticking to your decisions. It's not "guilt" that is the result. It is that you need and want to take care of you, if you are incapable of making yourself number one in your life, the ability to truly help yourself and others disappears altogether.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share some of what I have been learning for the past five years.
Best of of luck to you with your family dynamics. The road is hard, but it is harder when those who should be helping are hindering.
She loved me in her own way. She had severe dementia and would not eat the food at the center she was in, so i brought her food she could eat from home and she was perfectly happy. When she got real bad, close to the end, she would tell me how pretty I was and things I had always wanted to hear. And we were. Finally at peace. I did the best I could for her and realized I should have accepted her the way she was many years ago.
My therapist kept telling me that my mother and I had a toxic relationships and I should just not be around her and I know now, I should have backed off but I am glad we were able to work it out before she passed away. I always loved her but I did not like the way she was. And it took me too long to see the truth of her narccistic behavior was not because of anything I had done. Many people do have to disassociate with narcissict family members when it gets too painful and you should not feel guilty. We cannot let them abuse us. We can only do as much as they will allow without making our life living hell. There is a point of no return. And it's so sad. But, just try backing off some if the relationships is too toxic. You must think about youself and how much the relationship is hurting you.
In my case, thank heavens - and may God forgive me for this thought - after years of increasing unpleasantness, as my mother's incipient dementia (which everyone else in the family was in denial about) worsened, mother finally died, aged 98, and thus I am FREE at last.
The legacy of her manipulative actions within the family lives on - my Aspergerish husband (with clear narcissistic traits himself) ganged up with her against me, as did my difficult, partially disabled sister & to an extent, even my Asperger's son (who mother sort of 'kidnapped' - i.e., took him over & pushed me out): for the last few years, I wasn't even allowed to see her, having been blamed for causing her to have some kind of attack (?)! (She'd managed to work herself up into a frenzy after a visit from me, during which I apparently upset her by asking why I was the only one in the family who was no longer permitted to have a key to her house. I think I had not realised the extent of the dementia, or realised quite how the family dynamics were changing, otherwise I would have avoided such direct attempts to discuss things - & maybe tried to put up and shut up.)
Old family friends were turned against me, and I've been cut out of her will. All this after many decades of devoted help and caring for her, and for my sister. All the good, kind things I ever did for them have been ignored / negated.
Narcissistic mothers / people are certainly very hard to deal with. The traits are clearly intensified by age, and, in my own case, the situation is complicated by having family members with an autistic spectrum disorder and partial disability in the mix.
I do try to turn negatives into positives, and thank God for the opportunity for understanding and self growth that this situation has given me. I have to admit that I do also feel a little sorry for myself - getting completely cut out of the will is a knife in the wound, as though my husband is relatively well off, he tends to keep his bounty for himself, and I struggle sometimes (you can guess which of us tends to help out the children more).
Bringing up my own daughter has thrown even more light on the situation: I would never ever behave to her, as my mother has done with me. If anything, my understanding of this situation has helped me to be a better mother, as I see so clearly how mothers should NOT behave. I'm glad to say that my efforts do seem to be paying off, as my daughter is turning into a wonderful, very thoughtful adult. (I'm getting there with my son, too.)
Thank goodness for this forum, and thank you for reading. I wish you, evepenman, the very best of luck with your situation & thank you for telling us about it.
The more the people in my life refuse to see the narcissism for what it is, the more I question if they are narcissists too since they are offspring (like I am) of a narcissist. I question myself 'am I a narcissist?' and I know I have those tendencies to want things my way, but I feel more aware of the emotions that come over me so that I can keep them in check rather than letting them control me. The more I've learned about narcissism in mothers the more it has helped me to be aware of it in myself; I'm not a mother, don't know if I'll ever be one, and it saddens me that now I don't know if I should ever be a mother due to the bad examples I've had in my life. I still want a mother I can look up to as a role model and it breaks my heart that it's not my own mom or even my man's mom.
I am the scapegoat and problem solver, but it doesn't matter if I solve a problem or not because it's me doing it, the daughter she's jealous of and competes against to prove she's better than me. AND I'M HER GODDAMN DAUGHTER! That is not how a mother should behave. That is not love. That is not healthy. That is not what I want and I hate that that's what I got and continue to get.
That's why I don't want mothers in my life, at the extreme end of my thinking. I question if I should not be with a man who has a mother because my man's mother is showing more of her narcissistic side in her entitled 70s and I don't like seeing what it's creating; I can't even talk to him about my feelings of what's going on because he wasn't taught to communicate well other than exploding when it hits a point; since his mom doesn't communicate directly to him and has withheld important information from him in the past, I can see where he learned it. He'll go along with his mom and do what she asks; he's her only son, and her only daughter is hours away and barely visits if once a year. Her only daughter, only grandson, and only great-grandchild don't even make an effort to come up and visit from a few hours away. I take that as a sign that they don't want to see her; talking on the phone is one thing, but when family doesn't visit that tells me something, because I don't visit my own parents for the same reason -- my mother lives in a world of denial and narcissism, not to mention a house packed with too much stuff that she can't let go of but doesn't take care of the clutter, and I am tired of enabling her by agreeing with everything she says and does.
I appreciate what DIGITALBANKER said as far going no contact and not giving them an audience. That is what the narcissist wants, an audience to feel like a victim in front of and tell their stories to about how their children don't listen to them (for good reason!).
However, I'll get told that I'm a narcissist for writing things like this and making my voice heard; I rationalize that that's the writer in me who knows what it's like to be alone in the world looking for something to let you know you're not alone; it's not the audience that matters to me as much as an individual gaining something from my writing for their betterment, not mine; my betterment comes in the skill of writing, not growing an audience. I often feel very alone with my experiences in life even though I don't think I'm alone, and I know I'm not alone and people need to know they're not alone when it comes to living with these types of situations. Is this my own narcissistic denial, or my own personality of over-analyzing, or just too late at night?
It's not fun when you know what your mother is and what you are, and it's not fun when people remind you of it in arguments and it makes you question if you are just as bad as the mother. But to question myself tells me I'm not a narcissist, or at least not as narcissistic as those who are unable to question themselves and believe wholeheartedly they are 100% not narcissistic. I have tendencies that aren't pleasant and a lot of improvement to do, and it's challenging to not have better examples in front of me to learn from, so I have to find a solution because I want something better than this. I am a problem solver, after all.
Maybe someone else will read this and understand that I just have to get it out otherwise I'll go nuts keeping it in; it's hard to talk to people who don't understand the harsh realities of narcissism beyond Vanity Smurf.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you for the advice. I am struggling with boundaries with my mother and siblings. I am grateful for everyone's comments and suggestions.
HATEMOOCH007 - I have a narc mother and sister who is the golden girl. Like you I am the scapegoat and get it coming and going. Mother is now in a ALF soon to go into an NH and I have virtually cut contact with my sister. It is the only way I can have some peace. I recommend it
I have a younger brother who if I mention he should help , she throws a fit. He is her saint , and I'm the scapegoat. She is the meanest , narcissistic person I will ever know. I'm seeing a counsellor. I catch it on both ends ,a mean narcissistic mother and a manipulating brother.
I'm 60 and in the same situation. Just had hip replacement surgery 2 1/2 weeks ago and my MIL keeps after my husband about why I can't come and see her.
My husband and I have been married 39 years, but she still insists on being the center of our lives. Here is what you have to do.
1. Make sure she's in a good facility with dedicated caregivers.
2. Determine how often you will see her and still maintain your own life and interests, downtime, etc.
3. Unless her therapist understands narcissism and BPD, etc and your mother is suddenly willing, this latest therapy is going nowhere.
4. Get yourself into therapy so they can teach you how to disconnect emotionally, so you can still do the things your mother needs but don't get destroyed in the process.
5. Establish boundaries I.e., one phone call a day, one visit per week, no rants etc.
6. Your mother is trying to make you fill a hole in her life that cannot be filled. Stop being Party to it. She was the adult in your relationship.
7. Ask your therapist for a book about narcissistic mothers. Read it, so you can solidify the concept that you are not a terrible person.
8. Squelch and tendencies in your own life to treat your children the way she treats you.
9. Accept that she's probably not going to change, but don't accommodate her whims and power plays.
10. Number 4 is the most important point here.:) I wish you a happy, fulfilling life and strength and patience and courage to say "No".
But look at me being negative again.