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I'm visiting my mother either tomorrow or this weekend and she has only been in a memory care a week. I'm desperate to see her and give her a hug, but I'm also worried about being able to control my emotions, especially when I have to leave. Any thoughts on what to do when visiting?

My mom was in an MC for a looooong time. I found the best times to visit were either before lunch ( or any meal ), or, during lunch or another meal. The meal would act either as a smooth transition for me to leave, or as the activity itself. A lot also depends on the person’s cognitive and physical level. But for what it’s worth;

- I didn’t have luck w/photo albums, if anything they made mom confused and me sad! That was us, though
- Pleasant picture books were great. I’d flip through pages of lovely English villages and gardens, it was calming for us both
- Looking at bird feeders/nature/clouds/flowers etc …outside if possible or through a window.
- Wrapping up needed items like socks, pants, shirts, whatever supply was required, in colorful tissue paper and a big bag and having mom open it. This worked great as it took time and made mundane supplies festive!
- If I lucked into showing up during an activity she was participating in, ( rare ) I jumped in .
- As mentioned, meals together. To get mom to drink more I kept making up toasts with her and our usual MC companion at the table.
- And my favorite; bringing a ukelele. I figured nobody can get agitated at a ukelele. With only 3 simple chords you can make up songs on the fly. I’d hold mini ‘concerts’ for her, asking what she’s like the song to be about. Id’ whistle or make up words. This is how some great hits came about, such as, “ I Don’t Know What to Make This Song About, “, “ Where Do I Park the Car Today “, “ There’s So Much Paper”, “Lunch Will Happen Soon”, you get the idea. The ukelele sort of saved my sanity the last year, to be honest.

Excuse long reply, but mom was in MC for 4 years so it was a real marathon. Full confession; every single visit I felt absolutely awful. When I was visiting I put on a happy performance, not to be a martyr but because a good vibe benefits everyone in those places. I would literally scream and shout to the radio driving over, and then often cry in the car and also shout to the radio afterwards. That’s how I got through it. Not with any grace I must add, but I got through and the visits were fairly feel-good for the most part.

Truly wishing you the best!
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Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
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Nickette Apr 18, 2025
Our moms sound so similar! Thank you for this reply! You gave me some ideas too!
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I've often advised that it can be easier to share a meal together or accompany someone to an activity (bonus there is that can do double duty if they are reluctant to join in), that way there isn't as much pressure to make conversation plus there is an obvious end point.
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Reply to cwillie
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You do whatever you would do when you visited her at her home. Talk, read to her if she can no longer read, listen to music, share a favorite treat, take her outside weather permitting, as all memory cares have at least an outdoor patio and just be there for her.
And of course it's best if you at least wait until you're away from her before you break down and cry as you certainly don't want to upset her in any way.
I'm sure she will be happy to see you, so just try and enjoy your time with her.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Watch TV together in their room. Choose light entertainment or something heartwarming like Little House on the Prairie. This gives something to talk about. Don’t focus on trying to make memories or show them pix of the past in order to stimulate memories. In my experience it’s a waste of time. Eat a meal with them there instead of sitting and visiting, then go home. Meet them on their level rather than expecting them to meet on yours.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Hub is in MC now 18 mo with TBI and now Alzheimer’s . I visit at least every Tue and Thurs usually at lunch , bring him special treats and try to keep him sitting long enough to eat. He then gets up and walks . If I’m lucky I can show him pics on my phone or play his fav songs that I down loaded to stretch meal time and interact with me. After lunch if not walking he watches Gunsmoke in TV area . I tuck an extra snack in his pocket ,tell him I love him give him a kiss and say going to finish laundry I’ll see you in a while. As soon as I’m out of sight he doesn’t even know I’ve been there. Sometimes when I walk in he smiles and says there you are but he does that to just about everyone. Rarely is he participating in activities but on rare occasion I can get him into the “concerts” or a movie enticed again by their snacks. He’s always pleasant and appears happy but it’s a sad existence and I learned early that going daily made no difference for him but was not healthy for me. Counseling helps and sometimes I go extra days but I now have to take time for me as this is my reality that one day will end … some may try to make you feel guilty you aren’t there more but they aren’t walking in my shoes and I wouldn’t wish this journey for anyone. So I blast the radio on they way there singing the fun oldies , walking in with a spring in my step and a big smile on my face … I stay about an hour …. It seems longer but I’m lucky if he lasts that long..it truly is all about making memories and I encourage all my fam and friends to do just that before it’s too late❤️I have mine and I’m so thankful I do….
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Reply to Db2024
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You do the same things you ever did. Chat? Play games if she's able? Stroll and look at the flowers coming out now in spring? Make a scrapbook?

You aren't responsible for happiness now.
Happiness isn't the goal and won't be happening.
This isn't a happy time.
This isn't a time with choices. If your mom weeps and begs then why would you not weep with her and sympathize with her losses.

The only way to walk through tough times is to put one foot in front of the other and walk it. I am so sorry. You are so sorry. SHE is so sorry. THAT --NONE OF THAT--changes a thing. Bring her a candy bar she loves. Bring her a picture book. Bring her a stuffed cat or bear. Bring her yourself and your love.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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keqclq Apr 18, 2025
Thank you for your response to her question…I so needed to hear it. Happiness is fleeting— if it happens at all. I know things won’t get better, but we go on, and survive.
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I always felt that my wife adjusted to her new environment but announcement that your leaving was very hard on both of us so I always left when she went to a meal.
It always made both of us feel better to offer hugs for "any" reason. She loved them and that made them worthwhile for me.
Even when she didn't recognize me, she enjoyed the hugs.
She's in a different world and you must always remember that she not the same person you once knew.
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Reply to DaveG6235
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I agree that the best strategy would be to leave while you are together at a meal or activity. The aids will help you exit smoothly -- you can let them know this is your plan and they can come over and fuss over her while you say your goodbyes.

I just visited a long-time friend of mine in her new-ish MC facility. I asked her to give me tour, then stayed for a meal. I showed her pics on my phone and made sure to divert the conversation away from anything that fed into her paranoia or negativity (she has the anger-tainment news on constantly and the first thing she did when I walked into her room was to point at it and say breathlessly, "Have you heard of all the awful things going on?!?" To which I replied, "There have been awful things going on since the beginning of time, but I'm here to be with you so let me shut that off for you because I can't here you well with it on." And then we went on to have a very pleasant visit.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Keep it low key.
When you arrive greet her like you would if she were still at home.
As difficult as it is when you leave do not make a big deal of leaving.
Give her a kiss say "I will see you later" and leave.
If she begins to get upset as you are leaving try to get her involved with an activity then quietly slip away.
Then when you get to the car you can break down and cry.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Tb, when your ready, to visit, you really just gotta suck it up. I know it's hard, my mil was in hospital, cancer and she didn't yet know it, I was 35, 4 young kids home and I just took a deep breath, smiled walked in the room. Smiled , walked out and lost it. Ya just gotta do what's best. Mil died , within 2 or 3 days after that. It was the right thing to do, and so glad I held it together, to see her one last time
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Reply to Drivingdaisy
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