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😇🌸
I don't have time
for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
(2)
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The three ages of human beings (it used to be ‘man’ before women had property rights):
1) Wanting stuff
2) Getting stuff
3) Getting rid of stuff.

Remembered because we are re-doing our wills!
(2)
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Just another Mucking Fonday!
(2)
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On this Monday, let’s ask…
What can go right today??
(2)
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Tomorrow (noun):

A mystical land where 99% of all human
activity, motivation and achievement is stored.
(2)
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😇🌸
Happy Monday!…Or rather, pre-pre-pre-pre-Friday!
(2)
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☕️☕️☕️
Coffee: Because Monday happened.
(2)
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😉
Monday hates you too.
(1)
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An older couple is sitting in church and the wife leans over to her husband and says;

"oh dear, I am so embarrassed, I just passed silent gas, what should I do?"

Her husband says, "That's not all, you need to change your hearing aid batteries too."
(2)
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stand-up comedian:

I’ve been having trouble sleeping, so I bought this tape of ocean waves…to help me fall asleep.

Just as I’m nodding off, I could hear…
“Hhhhelp!”
(2)
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on the topic of plane crashes.

stand-up comedian (man):

Everybody’s like, “Yeah…of course planes are crashing!…Yeah, well, because the pilots are all FEMALE, that’s why…Female pilots…Females can’t fly planes.”

stand-up comedian (man):

I don’t want to get into that narrative. I don’t think that it’s that women can’t fly. I think it’s that they can’t land.
(2)
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When you get testy, remember this helpful joke:
Men are only good for one thing. And how important IS parallel parking anyway?
(3)
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stand-up comedian:

This woman walked up to her husband and said, “Darling, I had a dream about my birthday. And in the dream, I dreamt about earrings, a bracelet and a necklace. What do you think that means?”

And he said, “Just wait till your birthday!!”

Then on her birthday, he gave her a package. She opened it and it was a book: “How to Interpret Dreams”.
(4)
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stand-up comedian (man):

I had a busy week. I finally got GPS. I got the cheapest one they had. Just a woman’s voice telling me to pull over and ask for directions.
(4)
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Caregiving tools:

You need a cell phone? Get one.
A computer/chromebook? Get one.
Don't be cheap about it.

It may no longer be acceptable or sustainable to sacrifice so much to caregive for
the person needing care, but they HAVE everything they need.

I-Phone
5 Computers
12 remotes
20 earbuds

It is okay to take care of business.
E v e r y t h i n g d o e s n o t h a v e t o b e e q u a l,
but one person should not be suffering going without.

I am the equalizer bunny today.
(3)
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😉
Live each day like it's your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night.
(3)
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😇🍋🍋🍋
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
(3)
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🥰🙂
Don’t hate Monday.
Make Monday hate you.
(3)
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Why you should never order animal food on Amazon...they want your feedback in a couple days.
(3)
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same stand-up comedian:

The good thing about dating a woman my age…is that I don’t need to worry about meeting her parents.
(3)
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same stand-up comedian:

I took a quiz on the internet, “What’s your spirit animal?”

I got: extinct.
(1)
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stand-up comedian (he’s about 85 years old):

I joined a dating site, for people my age…called carbon dating.
(1)
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Some people need a shock collar
and I need the remote.
(4)
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🙂
I can only be nice to one person
a day.
Today is not your day.
(4)
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When your "mom voice" is so loud
even the neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed.
(3)
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🥰🙂
It's OK if you don't like me.
Not everyone has good taste.
(2)
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🙂 i already told this joke months ago. but i'm re-posting:

I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get "saved" or else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen.
(5)
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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
(2)
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Engineer:
I try to make things idiot-proof. But they keep making better idiots.
(3)
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🙂
The most common cause of stress nowadays is
daily contact with idiots.
(2)
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