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same stand-up comedian:

I took a quiz on the internet, “What’s your spirit animal?”

I got: extinct.
(1)
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stand-up comedian (he’s about 85 years old):

I joined a dating site, for people my age…called carbon dating.
(1)
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Some people need a shock collar
and I need the remote.
(4)
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🙂
I can only be nice to one person
a day.
Today is not your day.
(4)
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When your "mom voice" is so loud
even the neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed.
(3)
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🥰🙂
It's OK if you don't like me.
Not everyone has good taste.
(2)
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🙂 i already told this joke months ago. but i'm re-posting:

I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get "saved" or else you will "burn".

Stupid firemen.
(5)
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Long story short (phrase)

Turns out I will tell an entire fully detailed story.
(2)
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Engineer:
I try to make things idiot-proof. But they keep making better idiots.
(3)
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🙂
The most common cause of stress nowadays is
daily contact with idiots.
(2)
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😉
The problem with stupidity is that it doesn’t always recognize itself.
(3)
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🙂
I don't need an inspirational quote. I need a snack and a nap.
(4)
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🙂
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
(2)
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🙂
I'm not talking to myself. I'm having a parent-teacher conference with my inner child.
(2)
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😉
The nicest thing about self-love is that it’s hardly ever unrequited.
(2)
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🥰😉
You need to have a life. Have fun.
Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
(1)
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🥰😉
A man finds love and is satisfied.
A woman finds love and insists on turning it into happiness.
(2)
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🙂🥰
It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
(2)
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stand-up comedian:

My neighbour told me that mediating for 40 minutes every morning has changed his life.

He’s late for work, he lost his job, his wife left him, huge changes.
(1)
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Shortest horror story:
Monday
(1)
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🤔
That one cup in your house that’s somehow better than all the other cups.
(3)
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😉
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
(4)
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🙂🌸
I’m going to start letting people know what I’m thinking.

That should eliminate the weak.
(2)
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Friend: Do you keep your money in your bank or at home?

Me: In my memories.
(2)
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Friend: Wow! You got thinner! What’s your diet?

Me: Poverty.
(3)
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😉
If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
(5)
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🙂
You are enough.
We don’t need more of you.
(3)
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😉
People don’t want to hear your opinion.
They just want to hear their opinion coming out of your mouth.
(4)
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🥰
Everyone is entitled
to my opinion.
(3)
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Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG thank you, what are they?
(5)
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