Well, like the title says.....I'm so very sick and tired of people telling me how "fortunate", "blessed", "lucky" I am for having to take care of my 90 y/o mother who has dementia, they say "oh, enjoy this time with your mother, enjoy her while she is still here", "I wish I could have done that".....blah, blah, blah!!!!! I'm the one who is here, all by myself, every freaking day (with some help from my youngest daughter), but without the help of my irresponsible, heartless, selfish siblings.
What is so d.....m fortunate, or blessed or lucky about that? How can this people tell me that? When I ask if they have parents with this dementia illness, some tell me their parents are gone, other people tell me their parent is in a nursing home because "I can't take care of her, I have a job, I have other "things" to do, blah, blah, blah.
There is NOTHING, NOTHING remotely enjoyable about caring for elderly people, whether they are related to you or not. It's frustrating to say the very least. I have become a very selfish person, I truly do not care what anybody says, I'm taking care of myself first otherwise, I think I will buy a couple of plane tickets and take her back to Mexico and deliver her to one of my selfish sibling's door. Something stops me from doing this and, as my dear husband tells me, "it's duty, not love, what keeps you plugged in". It's true, I don't like this, I hate this, hate this situation and, since I can't very well take her back because they don't want her there, I'm stuck, hopelessly stuck until whenever she finally rests in peace. My oldest daughter tells me I'm being selfish when I leave her alone for a couple of hours to go work out but she never offers to come here and sit with her so, her opinion is totally irrelevant. I'm going to do what I need to do to survive until my mother dies. Never mind the possibly huge bills we will have to face if she needs to be hospitalized, I guess we will deal with that later.
So, stop embellishing elderly care, it sucks whether you are a daughter or son caring for your parents or a care giver, who has to work and has to be cleaning and changing soiled, smelly people because their relatives can't or wont do it themselves. I have to do it, if only because I have no other choice, but I don't have to like it, and I DON'T!!!!!
Next time someone tells me "I should be grateful for having the opportunity of caring for my elderly, sick mother", I'm going to either slap that person or invite that person to walk in my shoes for a week. Lets see how fortunate, blessed or lucky they feel afterwards.
Then ask the homebound, burned out caregiver how much they enjoy theirs.
I'm fed up to *here* with people who say we should be "grateful" that we still have our parents with us. Of course we're grateful for every day we still have with them - if they're healthy enough to enjoy being here. If they're not, we wish they could be rid of all the pain, suffering and humiliation that comes with aging. Who wants to be subjected to constantly aching joints, kids and grandkids coming by to see you only rarely (if at all), the inability to remember your family on sight, urine and bowel incontinence, and the loss of memories you held dear? I mean, if your parent is relatively young, like mine is (74), and is already experiencing problems that most people don't until their 80s, then what is there to look forward to? More of the same, only worse. And I should be grateful for the chance to watch her spiral downwards? Why don't they just ask if we enjoy watching our parent slowly die before our eyes?
And then there's the fact that people who say we should be grateful to still have our parents seem to think that everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Not true. Trust me.
Sorry...this one kind of struck a nerve with me, because I've had more than one person pull that on me. If there's one thing that this caregiving thing has taught me, it's that I will *never* do this to my children. I am putting a plan in place for my own care, and leaving someone reliable in charge of my well-being if I become incapacitated - and my wishes will be in writing, spelling out exactly what's to happen in terms of my care - and it won't be one of my kids caring for me at home.
JessieBelle, thanks for the smile :)
It didn't work. I left with my own mother, who is still with me. Rats! (Just playing)
On the other hand there is something deeply rewarding in being able to ease the suffering of another, especially a loved one. And I believe I am learning so much about life, death, compassion and about myself. I have learned to navigate the health care system, to step out of my comfort zone to be an advocate for another, and that I'd better make d#^%ed sure I have a plan in place for my own old age.
Tryingtomakeit, keep on getting out as often as you can, you need more "me" time to keep your sanity. Keep searching for support in the community. Don't listen to the idiots who think you should do more, and try to forgive the others, they can't help it that they really don't have a clue.