101-year-old mom claimed she had been robbed of her wallet and keys.

* sorry. posted twice.

Your mom should not be alone with dementia at the age of 101.
However, apparently this is her wish, and you have decided that she will be as likely to die at home alone as in care at her advanced age.

With her dementia I am certain that you fully understand that she is no longer in control of her faculties? I think no more need be said about that.

If you are resentful of calls and visits to her, then it may be time to say that you have no intention of intervening in her life to check where things have been misplaced, or to help her with her daily concerns, and that therefore she will have either to hire a live in companion, or now move into care.
It is a simple matter of saying what you WILL do and what you WILL NOT do, making it clear and sticking to it.
Of course there is the added level that, with her dementia she cannot really compute, understand, nor retain such talks very easily; they will become necessarily repetitive.

I believe you must have long ago thought of the fact cameras and call alert necklaces, etc are now needed for safety. The camera may help you with monitoring where things are misplaced at and check on safety via your phone connection? This is especially crucial with the smoking.

You have some decisions to make now for your mom's life and for your own, given her dementia. That's not something a Forum of strangers can do for you. We can only wish you luck of those decisions. Eventually you will, of course, get "the call" whether from EMS, Hospital, or Coroner. Dependent on the nature of the call it may be time to call in Hospital Social Workers to discuss placement which is often easiest done from hospitalization/rehab situations.

I can recommend to you a good book by Gretchen Staebler called Motherlode. She cared for her Mom from 90s through more than 100, and good intentions and determination of both herself and her sister aside, eventually it DID come to placement. If I remember correctly her mom lived to 105 or 106. Just out in paperback last month.

Good luck.

You are under no obligation to be "on call" for her, nor feel guilty about not moving her in with you. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role.

Are you even her PoA? Does she have one?

Memory impairment and paranoia are hallmark behaviors of moderate dementia. Your Mom would benefit from meds for her anxiety, but with memory impairment she won't be able to administer them to herself correctly, or at all.

There are solutions for this situation and it is YOU who needs to accept them, not her. You are the only one who can now change or make a plan. If you are not her PoA then you have little to no power, anyway. You report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and allow the county to create the solution. That's what they're there for. It's likely a neighbor or someone else will report her if they see she's not operating in reality.

The next time your Mom calls you in a panic you can opt to call her local police or 911 and report that she is delusional and may have an untreated UTI and instruct them to take her to the ER, where you can meet her. Do not insinuate she has dementia since this is not considered a medical emergency that can be treated in the ER (they won't come).

In the ER you make it clear she is an "unsafe discharge" and that she lives by herself and refuses outside help and you are not now or ever going to be her caregiver. Then ask to talk to a hospital social worker to discuss transitioning her directly into a facility. After this, there's not much else you can do. It is where this is all heading.

I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart as you find a solution that is acceptable to you and works to protect your Mom.

When yo say mom lives "independently" do you mean she lives alone?
If so this probably needs to change.
You are under no obligation to go running to her when she calls.
She probably should not have access to a wallet for any reason but to hold her ID, and a few other things. (not a lot of cash for sure) And if the keys are for anything other than the door you might want to rethink that as well.
Are you POA?
It sounds like decision time is close.
Either MC or a Caregiver that is there 24/7.
If you do not have POA making decision for her is going to be difficult. You may have to get Guardianship.

Have you thought about installing cameras so that you can monitor what she is doing and if she needs "real" help.

I agree with the others . Don’t go running . A wise social worker told me “ Stop helping, let her fail “. A change will cause placement which is what is needed. I’m assuming you don’t have POA and/or that Mom is uncooperative with the idea of living in a facility .

You have good advice below if you would like to be more involved and proactive in trying to place Mom .

An event is coming that will force change for your mother. You don’t have any control over the event, and can’t stop or prevent it. Meanwhile, leave her to it and protect yourself. Enjoy your travels minus any misplaced guilt

Demented elders, especially with anosognosia, will normally blame loved ones for stealing the valuables they themselves have misplaced. They cannot and will not accept that they have a deficit, so it MUST be someone else's fault that a valuable has gone missing.

My mother lived in Assisted Living with moderate dementia when she insisted the staff had stolen the silver heart necklace with dad's ASHES in it! She caused such commotion and outrage over this "theft", that a bunch of other women jumped on board to report their valuables were stolen too! One of the biddies actually called the sheriff who knocked on my mother's door, the prime instigator, who promptly shut the door in her face saying no such thing had happened. She then called me, livid, carrying on about the NERVE of the sheriff. She'd never once put her money where her big mouth was.

The next day I marched over there and took out her jewelry box, which she "already looked in 1,000 times" and there it was. Right where she left it. She was sputtering and stuttering, then quickly changed the subject. Instead of apologizing for the chaos and aggravation, of course, bc there was NOTHING WRONG WITH HER.

How do you NOT get aggravated, is a better question? The situation with a 101 yr old woman with dementia feigning independence is laughable if it weren't sad. You can call APS to report a vulnerable elder living alone. Or you can just leave her be to die on her terms, alone at home, independently, as she wishes. Go on with your life, knowing she's living hers as she wishes.

Here is my advice. Go take a cruise and keep your phones off for the whole time. The world won’t fall apart if you are unavailable for 7 days.

Go ahead with your travel plans with your husband. Don't put them off any longer. Don't allow yourself, or by extension your husband, to be held hostage.

I’m writing only from my own experience.
When the claims of theft began, I figured they were simply because she was paranoid and hid things, forgot where she’d hidden them.,, a common cycle.
But that took an ugly turn when my mother started hiding things, then threatening to report my son as the thief, if I didn’t do her bidding. She also hid her purse repeatedly one day, and when I arrived, she gleefully muttered “This time you’ll never find it.” That’s when I started replying “Sorry to hear it’s gone.”, etc., no longer willing to play along. Cue the rage.
If your mother is cognizant enough to live alone, she knows how to report a theft. If she is not, you will have to let her fail. It’s harsh but true. My mother is 99, now in care, still engages in ridiculous attention seeking behaviours, and still swears she’s of sounder mind than anyone on Earth.

Hire a sitter and go away . This is common Losing Keys etc.

I think you need to stop using her smoking as an excuse for not moving her closer and into care. She eventually will not be able to smoke and she’ll just have to deal with it. She’s 101! She’s had enough smoking for more than one lifetime.

I actually wondered if this was a fake forum post.

* To have a mother 101 years old living alone is so shocking to me; it doesn't make any sense. Why are you allowing her to live alone?

* Educate yourself of what dementia is / how the brain changes / functions when losing brain cells. To react angrily, be furious, insulted and hurt ... by a woman who has dementia and is 101 says more about you than her.

You need to educate yourself, remove yourself from this 'responsibility' and get into therapy (or travel as you wish).

* While you say you 'resent the fact ...' I question what responsibility you are taking for the actions YOU DECIDE TO TAKE on behalf of your mother?
In other words, if you do not want to 'help,' 'support,' 'care' for her, it is time to find a guardian ad litem (GAL) which is:

a person appointed by a court to look after and protect the interests of someone who is unable to take care of themselves, typically a minor or someone who is determined to be legally incompetent.

You indicate you are angry and furious - is this the way to respond to a mother who is 101 years old?

No.

Without knowing more information (although I have heard enough), my suggestion would be for you to give up any and all legal responsibilities, either find someone with compassion who cares about her to take over her care, and/or make her a ward of the state ... and then you travel ... 'going places,' as you say - with your husband.

Since you do not know how to handle this anger, I would advise you to get into therapy - yesterday.

The other (?) alternative is --- IF --- she is considered of sound mind (which sounds like she isn't diagnosed to be of sound mind), then she can do as she wants. Legally, I presume you are responsible for her. This is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned.

What are you looking for from us here?
You need to deal with your anger and frustration and NOT take it out on a 101 year old woman.

Please stop screaming at her.

Gena / Touch Matters

What I realize is that life is transitional meaning we all go through cycles and progress through life on its own terms. Each cycle comes with its own set of challenges.

Old age is scary. It is heartbreaking and embarrassing for seniors when they lose things and accuse everyone else for their own failing brains and failing health. Most caregivers or the people who are responsible for our loved ones will get frustrated and angry when being bombarded with accusations of theft, abuse, or having well meaning friends and neighbors call APS when these seniors give reports of false neglect.

I think once we get to this point of anger, it is time to pass the baton to the next level of care. Your mother is no longer in control, and she has a false sense of independence because you are propping her up. Her needs have exceeded to the point where it is interfering with your lifestyle.

What is going on with her is that she doesn't remember where she placed these items. To make sense of missing items, she creates these stories of being burgled. This is called confabulation which is a nice way of putting it. I wouldn't keep jumping and running every time she can't find things. Start ignoring these rants. They are not important. There is definitely a difference from a senior who doesn't remember due to the dementia, and another type of elder who is hiding things for the hell of it only to cause issues with staff and family members. They love creating chaos. My sister is the second elder I described. She has been this way her entire life. Also, keep in mind that some personalities will get worse due to personality disorders or other mental illnesses layered on top of the dementia. So, you are dealing with this as well. These are the types that will file false lawsuits, call APS and make false reports of elder abuse and neglect, and cause all types of havoc for both caregivers and institutions. People in these facilities are busy and have other responsibilities and residents that need care.

Please do not take your mother into your home! Please start looking for a senior home for her. She is the stubborn type. So, maybe hiring an aide to help (she pays) for now until placement or if she chooses to transition in her own home. Give her an ultimatum, either she gets an aide or goes to an assisted living that is if you have the authority to do so.

I've had clients that should have been placed like yesterday. One woman in particular comes to mind. She was ninety-four years old, widowed with no kids. She was very combative and angry. I had to finally leave that case because the anger and the verbal abuse with the threats became too much even for a caregiver. She lived alone and went through a slew of caregivers because she would hit them.

Yes, you will feel angry and yell after driving for two hours to only find out there was no robbery when you have something else planned . Don't listen to people who reprimand you for having human emotions. I studied about dementia and watched plenty of simulated youtube videos, and nothing compares to dealing with a real life situation especially dealing with a combative senior. People are living way too long and are a burden. Children grow up and leave home eventually. Old people get worse physically and mentally and then die. This is their reality. If we live long enough, this is our reality as well.

Sure, they can can cause chaos and tell lies on people, but we don't have to play the game. You can only stay on their level for so long because you know it is not reality but an illness. The person we know and love is no longer with us. This is where the five stages of death comes into play.

Know when and where to draw the line.

Go on your trip and don't feel guilty. Have a plan in place for mom and look for a home health aide through a reputable agency. Agingcare.com has a list of agencies to pick and choose from.

There comes a time when an elderly person can no longer be on their own, especially if suffering from some form of Dementia. Its no longer what they want, its what they need to keep safe, warm, medications taken and fed. The roles change, we the children now become the parent and the parent a child, which mentally they are. Its up to you to make decisions for Mom because she no longer can.

My mother lived alone in the mountains of NC until she was 94, not a good situation as there were 13 steps from the garage and we knew she was struggling, but she refused to sell and move to FL and an AL facility.

We waited, finally she had a slight stroke and became afraid to stay alone at night, my brother and I swooped in and moved her to Florida.

She loved AL and has been there for 5 years, she has friends, activities and more

She will turn 100 in February, if she makes it as her health has taken a turn for the worse, she is safe and well cared for as we have now brought in Hospice and another person to assist her on the weekends.

Sometimes we need to make the hard decisions for those who can no longer do so, although my mother does not have dementia, her reasoning skills are not what they should be.

Yes, take some steps to free yourself, she has lived a long life and you deserve to continue to live yours.

I wish you the very best, take care of you and yours first.

Did you mom know that you and your husband were going to a performance? If so then she might have done this just to ruin your plans. If you reacted in anger your mother "won". Next time calmly and flatly solve whatever issue it is, get her calm and then walk away unbothered. Have anger later, alone and never let your mom see you cry, get upset of emotional. That's exactly what she wants as negative attention is like fuel for her.