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Hello everyone, I wish you all a blessed New Year. Ok, so, I live 2 hours away from my dad who is dealing with dementia. My husband and myself travel to his place weekly to check up on him and take him out to get his groceries etc.. it's getting very complicated for us because we don't know how to answer him when he asks for his vehicle keys or bank cards. We started with the truth and downgraded to lies because all answers are not what he wants to hear. We're both in control of the DPOA for my dad. My half-sister continues to contact him for money, so my dad insists that we give him his cards so he can give her $$. My half sister doesn't care of my dads health. She took him out of the hospital without anyone knowing and coerced him into signing a POA which later I had to revoke (because I had a POA already) She tried to transfer his funds into her account. My dad's dementia is progressing rapidly, he forgets conversations, he can't dress on his own, and meds? that's another story, He is getting aggressive at times, he doesn't want to shower and the best one is when we ask him if his hungry he says no, that he is not hungry and does not like what we are suggesting. BUT, if we serve him and say time to eat ...he will eat. My problem is, is that he wants to control all his things still and I can't seem to find a way around it. He even accuses the caretaker of stealing and us too. I'm told it's time to admit him into a retirement home, but seriously, I don't know if that's the right approach. What do I do...

UPDATE !
Thank you all so veryyyyyy much. You have no idea how helpful all your feedback is appreciated. I didn't state that the care provider visits with him 3 times a day. But now she is so scared of him that she takes her husband with her because my dad is a hard-core Narcissist. Also, I managed to get him into the office of his neurologist, and he said my dad is not well at all. Had tests done. And is set to have an EEG on the 9th Jan. Since I'm not very familiar with DPOAs, it's stressing me out. My dad's X (half-sister's mom) is telling my dad to call an attorney and tell them that we don't want to release his things to him. So this is stressing me out because I don't know what to expect. I have taken everyone's advice to place my dad in a facility(scouting at the moment)....still in fear that my dad's X will intervene legally. Please understand that I have lost track of right or wrong, so I reached out for help. I have no one to assist me on this matter so sincerely with all my being, I APPRECIATE YOU ALL...
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to scorpio1943
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Dad isn’t safe living on his own, unless he’s paying for 24/7 caregivers, and there are few who can afford such. Don’t discuss moving with him, he’s lost the ability to reason and make a sound decision about that need. He made you POA for such a time as this, he trusted you to act in his best interests when he no longer could do so for himself, and that time is now. Work with his doctor on possible meds to calm his anxiety and paranoia, make arrangements for him to move to memory care, working with the director who’s experienced on making the transition as smooth as possible, and know you’re doing the best for dad. He’s blessed to have you looking out for him
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Start looking for a facility for him, he must be safe and living alone will no longer work.

It is no longer about what he wants, it is about what he needs, and that clearly is being placed in MC where he can get 24/7 care.

Sending support your way.
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Reply to MeDolly
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HE IS NO LONGER SAFE TO BE ALONE. It is past time to get him into memory care. As POA you are not doing a good job on turning off the money faucet. Time to have only 1 bank account with dad and take away his credit cards. While you are at it, you need to freeze on Experion, Transunion, etc so that no new cards can be taken out. Seek help again from his lawyer to become educated on fully taking over his $ and how to sell off or manage his assets properly.
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Reply to MACinCT
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I would use some "therapeutic fibs" to get him in to see his primary doctor to get assessed for meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. This will take the edge off of his paranoia. Dementia prevents him from doing this himself so he needs help through meds.

Once this happens it will be easier to use more therapeutic fibs to move him to an AL local to you. You can tell him his house has a major problem (gas leak, infestation, electical) and that he needs to live in a "temporary apartment" until it is fixed. Then you move him and sell his house to pay for his care. This solves 3 problems: he gets appropriate care, you get to stop driving 2 hours every week and the half-sister will have to work a lot harder to try to extract money out of him so she'll probably give up.

In the end, the caregiving arrangement has to accommodate the caregiver because anything less will cause you to burn out emotionally, physically, financially and relationally.

I wish you peace in your heart as you put a better solution in place.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Your dad now needs to be in an assisted living facility with a memory unit attached for when he gets worse, so he can receive the 24/7 care he now requires and he will be fed 3 meals a day, and given his medications in a timely manner.
There are medications to help with his paranoia and aggression which is so very common in folks with dementia, so I hope that your dad is on something for both those issues.
You will also be better able to control his finances with him being in a facility, as he won't have access to them, nor should he.
When a loved one is no longer safe at home(which your dad is not)then it's time for placement.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for him.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Dad’s dementia has progressed to the point that he needs 24/7 supervision .
Unless he has that at home , he needs to be in a facility .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Might be time for the retirement home if you can't deal with the stress .
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Reply to KNance72
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