There are so many wise and compassionate care-givers on this site sharing their wisdom and experiences with me. It makes me very glad I joined this community. Now that I've made the decision that my spouse will be better taken care of in a facility, how and when do I have the conversation. What can I say to help him understand that I'm doing what I beleive to be best for him and for our relationship? Do I tell him now or wait till the home calls and tells me they have an open bed for him? I truly dread that part of it.
It’s not always best not to visit for a week. Let him be your guide. If he needs to see you, go briefly and leave with a kiss and a promise that you’ll be back soon. Don’t get involved in long explanations. Keep it light. Don’t say you’ll be back in a day or week - time loses its meaning to them.
Good luck, I hope it goes well.
That said, waiting until the last minute is probably the best for your husband. It will be a difficult adjustment for him, and for you as well. No need to stress you both out while waiting for an opening.
My 71 year old husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Dementia 8 years and 6 months ago.
Wait till the last minute....get hubby to the facility on the pretense of having lunch out, where you'll have his new room already set up like home with familiar items. Then after lunch, walk him over to the new room and have the talk.
Tips for Moving a Loved One to Memory Care
Bringing your loved one on a memory care community tour might seem sensible, but it can increase their confusion and anxiety at first.
Understand their preferences, and let that guide your final decision. These tips, courtesy of the Alzheimer’s Association, can ease the transition for moving a spouse to memory care.
Wait until the moving date to explain what will happen. Too much notice can lead to anticipation anxiety. Instead of telling them it’s a permanent move, consider mentioning a temporary change.
Ensure that family members and caregivers are aware and keep the message consistent.
Contact their physician to alert them of the move. The doctor may want to adjust their medications to coincide with the possibility of heightened anxiety.
After move-in day, avoid visiting for a week. The first few days are vital for forging new relationships with caregivers and residents. If you are there, it could lead to a setback.
Decorate their new apartment with their belongings, from the bed to photos to their favorite blankets. Familiarity is key.
Be sure you are taking care of yourself, too. Try to get extra rest, relaxation, and exercise. Do something nice for yourself – you also need care during this journey.
Best of luck to you.
When we had to move from AL to MC, we did not tell her, I took her to lunch and my brother got her moved in, I brought her to the new place, she didn't seem to be upset or actually know the difference.
So, I would wait till the last moment. Good Luck!
While I didn't have to make the decision about moving my husband to SNF or MC, we did have to move him to a hospice facility when hospice at home wasn't working. The decision was made with a social worker and three of my four children (the missing child was fully included in what was happening and agreed) and then our oldest child told him what was happening while the rest of us were in the room. If I had told him this alone, I have no idea what the response would have been, but I don't think it would have been good. But because someone other than me told him, and because we were all there, he did not resist.
Is your family onboard with the placement you are waiting for? If so, then when he is told what is happening, don't do it alone. Have them there for support, and allow someone else to explain to him what is happening.
As for when, if he has dementia, it might be best to wait until the day of transfer to tell him. But if memory is not a problem, then maybe it is best to prepare him beforehand so he isn't blindsided and has time to process. And if someone other than you is the one to speak to him and explain that you are no longer able to safely care for him, perhaps he'll understand that this move is for the best.
If you had the conversation with him how much will he understand, how much will he retain?
Has this been discussed in the past?
Do you have kids that are going to support you?
No matter how you do it he will be angry.
I know this is an agonizing decision that is not made easily and if you have come to this point then it is for his best interest and for his safety.
Responses may vary, depending on your answer to this question.