Long story here so bear with me. I am only child that lives 3 hours away from my father. My mother passed away two years ago and I am taking care of my elderly 83 year old father. In early November he had a spinal fusion surgery after a cyst was found. After discharge he developed a sepsis infection that caused his kidneys to shut down. When he was stable enough he was moved to a skilled nursing near me, so I could be near him. His Medicare Advantage plan only allowed for 20 days there before a hefty copay. I then moved him to an assisted living place near me with in-home health doing wound care and PT. He developed another infection and was readmitted to a hospital near me. He has to be on 6-8 weeks of IV antibiotics, so he will not be able to go back to AL. He is on dialysis as well. Doctors also said he could return to original surgeon 3 hours away to have hardware replaced. I have burned through my sick days taking care of him. I am worried about my mental health and physical health. I have a chronic blood cancer that can affect my immune system and energy. My father goes through the hospital delirium and says mean things / makes me feel guilty. The point is I have done EVERYTHING for him the last 3 1/2 months and I can't do anymore. I have put my life, my kids, my marriage and my career on hold. I am done and at the end of my rope. Any advice is welcome.
I get it. I'm also an only who was PoA for 2 out-of-state, unmarried elderly Aunts with no kids (they helped raise me) and my own single parent Mom (95) who is still alive and kicking, living next door to me. You can only do so much. Your self, your spouse, your marriage, your kids, your job are all a priority over your Dad -- which doesn't mean you don't care for him deeply but if you and/or your immediate family fall apart you won't have the bandwidth to be of any help to him, anyway. You'd just be left with resentment.
Do not feel guilty. You're doing your best in a very challenging situation. There are other solutions, but you both need to accept them as such. I wish you peace in your heart going forward.
also, as an only child…I empathize with you on that issue! Although, you didn’t seem to be emphasizing that part of your situation.
thank goodness for this forum!
I wish you strength, and much Luck.
keep us posted ❤️
Easier now that he is competent. A simple letter telling him you cannot/do not wish to serve as his contact or POA. That you are ill and need to take are of A) your own health and B) your own family. He can then hire whomever he pleases, attorney, banker, friend, other relative, or hire a fiduciary.
Best to you. Take care of yourself.
I would not function for an uncooperative relative even were I well, and I certainly would not do it were I ill and with a family. Your message to us warns us not to agree to be POA for a relative who may be uncooperative, and especially if our health isn't stable. That isn't doable.
I think that your father now belongs in the guardianship of the state.
I would call APS. If father has dementia and you have POA you may require a letter from your MD that you own health precludes your functioning now for your father. Your attorney will present this, along with your resignation letter, to the court; a fiduciary of the state will take over care, management, placement and financials.
If there are no other relatives of his to take him on, then APS should step in at the point you make it clear to all care agencies that you can no longer act for your Dad because of your own health.