My MIL has Vascular Dementia. My husband and I moved in with her 3 years ago to take care of her. While there are many frustrations that go along with care giving, here is my number one. My husband and I see the real deal on a day to day basis. The confusion, the sadness, the negativity, being overwhelmed by everything, the defiance, not wearing her hearing aids, etc. However, when she is around anyone else, including the doctors at her last trip the hospital, she is sweet, smiling, jovial, lucid! It’s infuriating because I believe she needs to be in a care facility at this point but, no one else “sees this” because of the brave face she is putting on. Has anyone else dealt with this?
It wasn't until her last year of life that the mask fell off and she was no longer able to Showtime. Once dementia advances to a certain point, elders can no longer put on a show for others.
The annoying part of the act is that it makes US look bad, as if we're being mean and making up stories in an attempt to make THEM look bad!
I hate dementia with every ounce of my being. It's a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned.
If you and your husband are burned out and this caregiving is effecting your marriage then it's time to be honest with your MIL and the rest of the family and let them know that you'll be moving back to your home next month, and that someone else will have to step up to care for her or she will have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
You've paid your dues, so time to get back to your life.
She will be at her worst when she is with people she trusts the most.
That, unfortunately is true of ANY illness, and especially of dementia.
It's normal human nature. We all tend to step up and put our best selves forward with others. People with dementia can do the same, at least in the earlier stages, but it requires more energy and focus than they can sustain when they get back home to their regular life. Also if they don't consider themselves impaired, they want to contradict the narrative, especially if the stakes include changes they don't want to make, such as moving to a facility or giving up driving or other activities they want to continue.
Most everyone here gets it. It's brutal and overwhelming.
Three years is pushing it. Maybe a good time to have MIL placed and take your lives back?