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My MIL has Vascular Dementia. My husband and I moved in with her 3 years ago to take care of her. While there are many frustrations that go along with care giving, here is my number one. My husband and I see the real deal on a day to day basis. The confusion, the sadness, the negativity, being overwhelmed by everything, the defiance, not wearing her hearing aids, etc. However, when she is around anyone else, including the doctors at her last trip the hospital, she is sweet, smiling, jovial, lucid! It’s infuriating because I believe she needs to be in a care facility at this point but, no one else “sees this” because of the brave face she is putting on. Has anyone else dealt with this?

Whomever has POA for MIL can place her in Memory Care Assisted Living with or without her consent, and regardless of her Showtiming performances. My mother Showtimed her way through 5 years of vascular dementia like she was an Academy Award winning actress. She fooled so many people, even doctors thought she was fine. But cognition tests don't lie. And whenever she was asked a question that was more in depth, she was lost. Oh, she had the Hi How Are You Don't You Look Lovely Today's down to a science, from pure muscle memory. Anything more than shallow chit chat, however, exposed moms dementia.

It wasn't until her last year of life that the mask fell off and she was no longer able to Showtime. Once dementia advances to a certain point, elders can no longer put on a show for others.

The annoying part of the act is that it makes US look bad, as if we're being mean and making up stories in an attempt to make THEM look bad!

I hate dementia with every ounce of my being. It's a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned.
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ElizabethAR37 Jan 14, 2025
Agreed. I hope to make my Final Exit well before dementia visits me. At 88 I think there's a reasonably good chance that will happen. I truly do not want to inflict dementia on my family.
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What your MIL is doing is called show-timing, and it is very common with folks with any of the dementias. They can usually "perform" for a short time for others but will eventually go back to being their true selves, as they can't continue for too long as it's too hard with their broken brain.
If you and your husband are burned out and this caregiving is effecting your marriage then it's time to be honest with your MIL and the rest of the family and let them know that you'll be moving back to your home next month, and that someone else will have to step up to care for her or she will have to be placed in the appropriate facility.
You've paid your dues, so time to get back to your life.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't call it a 'brave face', though. It sounds like 'showtiming.' There have been lots of posts on this site about that. My 91 year old father does the same thing. He's in some phase of dementia, but can hold his own in a conversation with doctors, church members, etc. if you talk about just 'surface' topics (weather, sports, things like that). It's amazing. My late mother did the same thing as well, always putting her makeup on and presenting well at doctors' appointments. My dad's nephrologist told my sister something to the effect of, "Your dad's not an average 88-year-old" - although he was showing some early warning signs of dementia at the time - and put him on dialysis. But short answer is yes, the elderly can put their best face and self forward when they think they must, especially for doctors' appointments.
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Dshapo71 Jan 13, 2025
Thank you for this. I just looked up what showtiming is.
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It's called confabulation.

She will be at her worst when she is with people she trusts the most.
That, unfortunately is true of ANY illness, and especially of dementia.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Yes, it's very common. That's why so many family members and others often don't realize how serious the condition is and the challenges that the primary caregivers are dealing with.

It's normal human nature. We all tend to step up and put our best selves forward with others. People with dementia can do the same, at least in the earlier stages, but it requires more energy and focus than they can sustain when they get back home to their regular life. Also if they don't consider themselves impaired, they want to contradict the narrative, especially if the stakes include changes they don't want to make, such as moving to a facility or giving up driving or other activities they want to continue.
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Dshapo71 Jan 13, 2025
I have been noticing that it’s takes her a lot longer to recover from these “showtiming” performances. Once she’s home or after the company has left, confusion sets in hard.
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Others who are not daily caregivers don't get it....and never will. You left out the daily grind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, doctor appointments, lack of privacy and the ongoing, constant stress.

Most everyone here gets it. It's brutal and overwhelming.

Three years is pushing it. Maybe a good time to have MIL placed and take your lives back?
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Reply to Dawn88
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My almost 92 year old grandpa is doing this right now. He was living with us for many years and EVERYONE could see the decline and all the signs. He started becoming aggressive and demanding then the threats started. Eventually he ended up in the hospital where they decided he needed to be placed. That was in October and it has not stopped to this day. He has caused me more issues since he was placed than the damage he did daily at home. He is now in the hospital again requesting to be re evaluated so he can be deemed competent. This is the SAME hospital that said he was not. They have even told me that he is alert and oriented so they cannot speak to me against his wishes. I am his POA and he HAS DEMENTIA. He has not spoken to me directly since he was placed in Oct as he blames me except the one time he called and told me he would make it his life goal to ruin mine if I didnt get him out of there. He is doing just that. He has had DCF investigate me 3 times and Ive gotten even more police calls. He is making up all these stories about me stealing from him and treating him badly. That is the absolute most horrible feeling considering I am the ONLY family member that offered to help and everyone else stopped talking to him years ago. I hope you get a better ending to your story as mine is still going.
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Reply to laura9574
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Dshapo71 Jan 16, 2025
I really empathize with you. I’m so sorry. While I understand that someone becomes the scapegoat in all of this, it sucks when your the one it’s happening to. For me, I made the decision to leave the nearly 30 year career that I loved, so my husband and I could move in with my MIL. I had always had an amazing relationship with her. To me, she was an angel without a mean bone in her body. Seeing her now with Dementia, I don’t even know this person. If I say anything to her, she rolls her eyes or makes a snide remark. When I don’t say anything, she tells me I have anger on my face towards her. I explained that it’s not anger, it’s sadness. So, I’ve become hands off as much as possible. I don’t make conversation or eye contact unless I need to. I don’t want to be the reason that she gets upset or has an episode. Its just an awful situation for all.
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