After visiting mom in home, I am wiped out.

Wendi, your mother is in a NH, memory care side. Why do you expect to feel ‘upbeat and positive’?

You spent 40 years estranged from her, so you now have very little in common and the relationship is unlikely to improve at this point.
- Forget about ‘doing her laundry’, get her a few $3 Op Shop clothes and replace them if they go missing. That is what I did with my much loved MIL, because it simplified things and reduced problems. It's more sensible than chasing missing washing (nice things where it upsets you) or doing it yourself. My MIL enjoyed the variety, though she was pleased when some of her own turned up in the mix.
- Forget about ‘guilt’ - what for? That she is old and failing? That she has not had a great successful happy life, and has no friends now? Why are you guilty of that? As is often said ‘G for Grief, not G for Guilt’.
- Forget about ‘responsibility’. What little you have, you have already discharged by ‘three years of trying to keep her in her own home’ and then by all the work of getting her to a facility with decent care.
- Forget about ‘checking with nurses and staff, cleaning up etc’, at least requently. Most of the time, trust the staff to do their jobs, that’s what the fees are for.
- Forget about several visits a week, and coming home ‘absolutely wiped out’. There are no wins in this, for anyone.

The most important thing to change is your ‘attitude’ and the way it is hurting your husband. He shouldn’t have to deal with this, in fact with the way that YOU are dealing with it.

Consider seeking a therapist or councelling service to discuss your feelings. So you can get through this transistion of 'letting go' 🤗

I don't mean 'abandon'. I mean letting go of the things Margaret listed below. To let go of harmful thinking patterns. To then re-focus on a short but friendly visit. It all starts with your thoughts.

I've come to describe that 'wiped out' feeling as an 'emotional hangover".

A good walk, listening to music, a warm bath are small things but they help me when I feel this way.

Someone, somewhere described it as 'beling slimed'! 😆 What can you do when you get home to de-slime yourself?

Yes! I've learned so much from this forum that I'm doing better now.

WOW....
I understand that you get wiped out.
It is difficult to care for someone that you have been estranged from for 40 years. This is a "stranger" yet you feel an obligation.
The obligation to make sure she is safe. Check.
The obligation to make sure she is cared for. Check.
The obligation to make sure she has what she needs. Check.
Now how about an obligation to yourself...
Cut back your visits. You say you visit 2 to 3 times a week. Cut that back to 1 a week. Don't feel like you have to visit particularly since you say you seem to be a "trigger" for her. 1 Visit a week should be plenty.
Don't stress about her clothes. If some get "lost" others will take their place. Clothes, blankets seem to be on a rotating schedule in a facility. Eventually the pink blouse will come back but not before she has worn "Bettys" blue one and "Helen's" orange one. (When you buy clothes go to resale shops and then it is not so disheartening when an item walks away. Spending $3.00 for a top that might make the rounds is a lot better than spending $23.00.)

Visiting is exhausting. It is emotionally draining. It is depressing. It is not easy seeing anyone decline. (probably makes us a bit more aware of our own mortality) So give yourself some slack on that aspect. Take the time you need when you get home. Maybe start a routine. The day you go visit your mom you have dinner out. Or it is a night to have a pizza delivered (gives you a good excuse for getting home earlier so your visit is shorter.)
Be kind to yourself.

And side note...you should not have to be doing any cleaning, if there is a problem let the staff know.

Thank you very much. I think some counseling definitely help.

Yup, not in a facility, but when I come home from moms, and I walk in the door and my husband wants to talk and tell me about his day. I just want to cry. I just want to be left alone for about an hour.

Every single time. We joked about "pregaming" - no one ever did with alcohol ( though a good stiff drink might have helped after). But I preemptively took my migraine meds every single time we went to visit, because that was guaranteed to happen.

Yes, I'm sure it's difficult and somewhat draining. I recall when my mom was in rehab, and it was difficult but on the positive side: staff is there to cook/serve meals, meds are sorted and distributed, bedding is changed and washed, etc. And you get to leave. Yes, there's mental and emotional stress, but at least you get to sleep in your own bed at night and function (somewhat). Imagine being a full time at home caregiver.

I always felt drained and upset before a visit to see my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living as well as afterward. It was a wretched and debilitating experience, to say the least, and I did no cleaning or laundry.

Mom's things never went missing....her door was locked 24/7 And her clothing always came back clean and was hung up in her closet, maybe because the MC was small, only 23 suites, and "her girls" took great care of her.

It was her deterioration and bad moods, lashing out and ugly, hurtful words that bothered me and made the visits so hard. Anyone who doesn't understand this doesn't have a loved one in care who's going downhill faster than a bowling ball down an ice slick. Dementia is a horrible thing to witness. It took a piece of my soul every time I went to see her.

Think about setting up a treat for yourself after a visit. Something enjoyable to look forward to, just for yourself. Counseling wouldn't have helped me unless the therapist could've stopped mom from hurling hateful words at me, and taken away her dementia. Only her passing relieved me, and mom, of the torture. That's the God's honest truth, too.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.