I moved my mom into my home about 8 months ago. My dad passed away a year ago and she has really declined since then. Before she came to me, she fell which resulted in a hospital stay. Bloodwork showed she was extremely anemic. She went to rehab for a few weeks and then came to live with me. Now her bloodwork is very good as I am feeding her 3 balanced meals a day. My problem is that I cannot get her to do anything other than watch tv all day. She won’t exercise, come sit with us, eat meals with us. We offer to take her on car rides, walks, or just sit in the porch. She says no to everything. The doctor prescribed an antidepressant but she won’t take them. She says she is not depressed. She just lays in bed and gets weaker and weaker. We have had PT come in many times and she will do exercises for them but not for me or herself. She says she does not want to go to a nursing home but wants to stay with us. This is fine with me but I just need to know if I’m handling everything correctly. She won’t shower - lord knows I’ve tried. She just says no. She does a bird bath but I’m worried about cleanliness. She has had a few UTIs and I feel that it must be from not bathing properly. I installed a bidet toilet seat to help with that but have not told her yet. I know she won’t want to use it. We have talked about the bathing issue many times. She doesn’t want an aide to come bathe her and she doesn’t want my help with toileting or bathing. So can I just let her continue like this? I’m trying to respect her but this is so hard. She is 82. Thanks for any advice.
If she prefers to go to a nursing home, they will bathe her and medicate her there instead, upon doctors orders. Her choice.
That's what I'd do if were my mother. She doesn't have to become Suzy Socialite, but at the same time, she DOES have to be somewhat compliant and agreeable to living a life of minimal cleanliness and activity on YOUR terms. Your house, your rules.
Wishing you the best of luck laying down some boundaries & then sticking to them!
I feel your angst, you sound like a very good daughter who is willing to do ANYTHING to help her mama. I identify so much with you.
But ... here comes the but ... you are not helping her or yourself (or your family) by avoiding the care that your mom needs. Just because her answer is always 'no' doesn't mean the answer is NO.
YOU are the caregiver, YOU make the decisions. YOU are going to have to be (sorry to say) the bad guy here.
She doesn't want to bathe ... okay well she HAS to bathe (no questions, no compromises), so you get help to come in and bathe her. You'll be shocked by how compliant she will be with other people - caregivers who are used to dealing with elderly. They are amazing! My mom did a complete turn-around when I got help to go in and do what I could not do.
I honestly don't think we are equipped, as daughters, to know how to handle this. We are also learning. Don't be afraid of giving up some control to caregivers, or doctors, or experts. They have the training and the knowledge to help you through this difficult time. The longer you wait to take these steps the more difficult it will be, not just for you but for your mom! She needs the help, she needs to be told what to do and she is NOT going to listen to YOU. She will listen to strangers! And gradually she'll get to know them, and have at least one favourite, and she will find a way to cope. You cannot make her cope, has to be her decision. And they NEVER listen to us! You know I'm right!
I send you all my good vibes, please don't wait to reach out and get the help you (and your mother) need. There's NO WAY on earth you can do this by yourself.
Music, instrumental uplifting music, helps open the path in the brain so one side can communicate with the other side. Dementia shuts down that communication. As dementia worsened, the music still helped some. If I could get my mom back for only fifteen minutes, it was wonderful. It is heartbreaking when they don't recognize you any longer. She thought I was all kinds of people, even her mother. Dementia is short term memory loss. I kept pictures around her bed, so she could see her family. She didn't know me as an adult, but she knew me as her little girl. When you are with them 24/7, their brain can't process you because of the short term memory loss. But my husband who worked all day could come home and she knew him at first. Once dementia turns worse, they know no one.
Ask them about their family growing up. Write down or record their answers. Ask about their children and grandchildren. They do have memories even though they can't always keep things straight. Remember, most of what they say about the past is correct, but they add in things if they can't really remember. So check it out or write that they had dementia and this was the best of their recollection at the time. These memories will become priceless to the entire family.
Change the subject from her and her lifestyle and health, and widen out the topics to - for example - your Dad, their life, current and past events. Not all at once! Just dig around a bit, conversationally, and see if you can get a glimpse of her point of view.
The thing is, yes, you can ethically let her continue like this. But it may be that there is no need for her to come to the end of the road just yet, and more time and research might give her a chance to find something she wants to do and something to look forward to once again. It's at least worth having a go :)
For many of us, our loved one's cognitive decline looked like apathy, laziness "pity party" (my brother's words).
In your shoes, I would be figuring out the best way to get a thorough cognitive evaluation as soon as you can get an appointment .
I'm not talking about "who is the president and what is your address"? A real evaluation that assesses her thinking and reasoning skills
she wakes up. This is very hard I have not had a break since early December. I appreciate the dialogue with others in a similar situation.
All of the lethargy is likely telling you something. I'd consider that it's not likely that she's being lazy, or uncooperative on purpose. If she could do better, she would. You say that she's pretty mentally okay, but, your description doesn't sound that way. Has she been evaluated for cognitive decline? I would insist on that with her doctor and be sure to let him know what you have been observing too. If he thinks she needs the medication for depression, it might something that you insist on, if she wants to continue to live with you. She may not be able to really make informed decisions about her healthcare.
There might also be some dementia, but, it's difficult to say in the early stage. What you describe is very similar to what I saw with my LO in the early stage. I didn't know what it was, but, it was depression due to cognitive decline. I didn't realize that a lot of the things she didn't want to do was due to fear, confusion, lack of energy, loss of memory, embarrassment, etc. Things were changing in her brain and it frightened her. She wasn't sure how to tell me. Later, it was found to be dementia.
I hope that you can find some answers. When my LO went on a med for anxiety and depression, it was big help. Her dementia continued, but, her mood was greatly improved.
Your Mom may have lost the will to live. No anti-depressant is going to help that. It didn't my MIL. She did well with the death of her husband 20 years earlier. It was losing her house and freedom that did it. She was 91. After a UTI she went to rehab. Since her 3 sons all lived one to two days away. So she was being transferred from Fla to Ga (nearest son) to complete rehab. She was told after she completed rehab, she would need to make a decision which son to live with. She was a stubborn woman and passed a day before the transfer.
I would call Hospice and ask if they can evaluate Mom to see if she has lost the will to live. If so, then they can keep her comfortable.
To help with curbing the UTIs, you may want to try cranberry tablets and a probiotic. Lots of water. (may want to have Mom checked for dehydration. Causes depression and Dementia type symtoms) Keep wipes handy in the bathroom she uses.