He lives in an apartment on the property we share. His office is in our home since he shares ownership of the property ( he and my mom were in the Campfire in 2018 and lost their home) the apartment isn’t large enough to accommodate his office furniture. He is basically computer illiterate beyond marginally using his email and tax program. He doesn’t understand what is being advised and doesn’t effectively communicate when he needs to call tech support. He comes to my husband or I in a panic when he needs help while he’s actually on his phone that is programmed through his hearing aid. It’s crazy that he thinks we can help when we can’t hear what is being said by technical support. He tries to relay what they are saying which is ridiculous because he’s unable to remember what they have just said or mishears them. We end up taking his hearing aid and putting it in our ear. Then he has no clue what is happening!
Back Story- My husband has a significant Traumatic Brain injury and has physical limitations due to advanced cancer. I have severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from multiple events including finding my deceased son just 3 years ago, my husband splayed on the concrete floor, bleeding with a refrigerator on top of him post falling down a steep flight of stairs 6 years ago after we escaped the Campfire in 2018 as well as my own medical trauma and severe back issues. My mother is 84, has Parkinson’s, significant anxiety and is also cognitively impaired and lives with my father in the apartment. I schedule, transport & attend all doctor’s appts. I manage all finances and caregivers. I’m providing all of the back story to explain why this situation with my father’s unwillingness to quit working is adding significant stress to an already stressful day to day life. My father appears to be oblivious to how his panicked state impacts my husband and I. He literally will not take responsibility for his lack of computer literacy. He blames the “crazy machine” for the difficulties and frequently states that he hates email and doesn’t understand why people even use it. My son that passed away was his technical support since that was my son’s business. My son lived close by and was usually available relatively quickly when my father needed his help. Apparently, we are now his technical support without ever having a discussion. He just assumes that we will know how to do everything he needs done when it comes to technology. Neither my husband or I know anything about his tax program or his business yet he tries to “help” us understand by explaining it all to us. We are tapped out and do not have the patience to deal with the job he refuses to quit because he doesn’t want to bail on his clients of 45+ years. He has no other interests and his hearing impairment makes engaging in other activities in the community frustrating for him because he doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time. My PTSD flairs in stressful situations and despite explaining that to my father, he just doesn’t get it. His need in the moment trumps anything I am doing or need to do. I have had several conversations with him about ceasing to do taxes and he basically says no way will he do that until he’s 6 ft. under. He is delusional, stubborn and is grasping at holding on to his identity as a professional. I realize it’s all he has, but we are thinking we need to leave the house anytime he gets on the phone in his office. It seems so dysfunctional that we would need to leave the house on the fly, which is not easy for either of us in our present physical state, to allow my dad to muddle through and ultimately fail. I have spoken with family counselors and they say set boundaries. The boundaries are simply not respected if he needs help. Consequences? Changing our living arrangements would be very stressful with my husbands advanced cancer and TBI. Any advice???
Your first priority is guarding your husband’s and your own well being. Never apologize for or overlook that. If dad becomes too combative the living arrangement may no longer be viable
Can you put a note on the door for his clients that says Dad has diagnosed cognitive issues and they should go elsewhere for their taxes? I assume they go to his house? Him doing taxes while having dementia is malpractice.
It may be a good idea (once he has a diagnosis) to contact the governing body for accountants and tell them his license needs to be revoked. You may need to provide your PoA paperwork and the letter from his doctor on clinic letterhead. At least this will legally stop him from performing as an accountant so there aren't any legal/financial issues with clients going forward. You need to ask what to do with clients' private/sensitive information -- they may have a protocol that they are supposed to follow like returning it to them, hiring a shredding truck, or making sure it it locked up at least. My accountant mails back any and all paperwork/documents I send to him as soon as he is done using them.
If you aren't his PoA, there is a different strategy, so please let us know if he has a PoA.
In regards to his tech "emergencies", you no longer can expect him to cooperate, agree with or handle any of his business dealings anymore. This would be unrealistic on your part. Also, what if he is actually getting people's sensitive information, like their SSNs, etc? This is a liability that needs to be addressed first and foremost. Many elders with dementia become victims of scams that come from the internet.
When your Father is not there, you look to see if he's actually doing anyone's taxes. You send out a blind blanket email to every client you think he is working with or currently communicating with him, telling them that for medical reasons he is retiring as of that date and to seek tax help elsewhere and that all sensitive information will be handled appropriately or returned to them. Don't have them come to the house to pick it up. Any further inquiries need to go to your email.
Then, when he isn't there, unplug his computer and remove it, telling your Father that the tech help said to send it in to get fixed. Make up any story you want if asks details. Then when he asks when it's coming back you tell him they'll call to let him know. If he has a smart phone, you may need to switch this to a phone for people with memory/cognitive impairment, like RAZ Mobility phone. I have one for my Mom. You control who they call, who calls them and when they can call from an app. My Mom was calling tech help and customer support all day long because she didn't realize she was forgeting how to work her microwave, coffee maker, washer, sewing machine, etc. She was doing this because we were refusing to come over to "fix" things (she lives next door).
Then you get him into MC, and if he can't afford that you hire a companion aid to keep him busy all day long. If he's a wandering risk he really needs to be in MC if at all possible. He certainly shouldn't still be driving, if he still is. If so, the car goes away for repairs as well. He won't like any of it, and you may need to discuss meds for his agitation with his doctor. This would help take the edge off all the changes that are about to happen.
I'm so sorry for all the trauma you've been through. But really he seems to now have dementia, based upon what you described to us, and this needs to be confirmed by his doctor since there are health issues that can present cognitively like dementia but are treatable.
You must now educate yourself about dementia so that you don't stress both of you out having pointless discussions trying to "convince" him of anything or reasoning with him. Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason, and therefore judgment (this is also why he should not be driving if he still is).
Dementia robs people of their ability to empathize with others; to know where they are in time and space; their memory; etc. Teepa Snow has very good informational videos on YouTube and teaches strategies on how to engage with people with dementia for more productive and peaceful interactions.
I wish you success in helping your Father get an accurate diagnosis and appropriate care. I wish you success in improving your very stressful lives (you and your husband) and peace in your heart as you work to help your Father "retire".
Remember this — he is only going to get WORSE. If you spend effort trying to help him make this work, meanwhile he’s losing the ability to do other things. It’s trying to rebuild sandcastles while the tide is forever coming further in. NOT worth it.
When my dad was losing it due to dementia and other health problems, he had a combination of losing the ability to do things (computer, TV, phone, microwave, thermostat) and he would mess them up worse in his attempts to “fix” them. He messed up user names and passwords constantly and would call customer service constantly when he could find their number. 95% of the time it led nowhere but the other 5% would be disastrous. The only thing that was effective was to block his access.
I think all they can think of to do is to try to do what they have always done. It’s a matter of identity. Sad loss of control.
I really feel for you. I can’t imagine how stressful your situation must be with everything you have been through and are dealing with. Him and the tax business is the final straw.
He may be violating CPA licensing rules or codes of ethics by involving you in his clients' confidential financial matters. Accountants, banks, and other financial institutions sometimes need to use secure portals and programs online. It doesn't sound like he is keeping up with that?
Cognitively, is he actually still capable of accurately doing the taxes? It would be a shame for him to end his career with his reputation damaged by clients receiving inaccurate and impaired work. Tax laws change from year to year; how is he keeping current?
You should not enable this by trying to help with work you're not qualified for and may legally be prohibited from doing. You should also not feel obligated to leave your own home to escape his unreasonable and unprofessional demands. He needs to face the reality of his inability to keep up with the work and find a real solution, such as hiring a qualified assistant, cutting back his workload, or retiring.
It's quite possible that some of his clients are noticing a decline and would like to switch to another accountant, but they don't want to bail on him!
I don't know how you can get him to stop, but you can at least not be part of enabling him and possibly, unknowingly, violating the law.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your son.
Also wanted to mention that people with hearing loss are statistically more likely to develop dementia. I think it reinforces detachment from the outside world. Sadly.