My husband is away working in the forestry sector Sunday through Friday every week. His mother lives in his house with us. She has dementia, and it has been getting worse. She is demanding and petulant and doing things she shouldn’t be doing, like turning on the stove at night or climbing up on stools and hiding things.
The family naturally expects that I will stay there taking care of her 24/7 - they don’t understand how depressing and difficult it is for me. Now my own father has recently died and my mother is alone. I want to be able to spend time with her through the week, but I am tied to MIL. Her doctors feel she should be in assisted living, but the family doesn’t want that. I am about to leave my marriage over this, because I can’t do this anymore. Am I being an unreasonable?
thank you all
I would be giving notice and telling MIL's family that you can no longer do in-home care, and that in two weeks you will be leaving to visit your own mother for an unspecified period.
One wise caregiver from this board said "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
This would allow your MIL's family to get a taste of the real picture of what is going on.
Your MIL is NOT your responsibility unless you agreed and signed a POA for her to be your responsibility. Being POA does not mean you are required to provide hands-on caregiving. It does mean it is your responsibility to make sure she is safe and cared for appropriately and that her finances are protected and managed in a way that benefits her.
Before my husband and I married, we both agreed that no parents or relatives would live with us long term.
Other's expectations do NOT create a "must" for you.
What does your husband think about this situation? Have you discussed it with him?
I wouldn't focus on the "depressing and difficult" part; your MIL needs a higher level of care than one person can provide at home. She needs 24/7 monitoring and a controlled environment. One person cannot provide that. It takes a facility.
You can leave, you can start looking for a facility for MIL yourself (who has POA and what are her finances like?) or you can say that your mother is urgently in need to assistance and go to her for some indefinite amount of time, telling MIL's family that they'll need to provide care.
You might be amazed at how quickly they suddenly "get" what her real needs are.
If you're willing to leave your marriage over this then you should be willing to give your husband and "the family" a swift reality check. That would be the same reality check they would get if something suddenly happened to you e.g. your appendix burst and you need emergency surgery.
You aren't the one being the a**.
Not being willing to be a care-slave to your MIL's neediness is not a good enough reason to dump your husband if you still love him. If you want a divorce, get one. Don't use his demented mother's care needs as the reason though.
If you and your husband love each other and want to stay together, he will understand when you tell him you cannot take care of his mother anymore. He will make other arrangements for her with his siblings.
In the meantime here's what needs to happen today. A lock gets put on the outside of your MIL's bedroom door. She gets locked in when you go to bed. He can get up with her at night to bring her to the bathroom. On the weekdays, she gets dropped off with other family when he goes to work until she gets placed in care. You do not cater to her demands and do not tolerate any petulant behavior from her. I was a caregiver for 25 years in homecare. Never tolerate tantums or ill-temper. Even when the person has dementia. You need to correct that behavior every time because it will be worse if you don't.
If she's getting up at night turning on the stove and hiding things, she probably needs more care than assisted living provides. It sounds like she needs memory care. This has to happen. Tell your husband you're going to your mother's house this weekend. When his mother is placed in residential care, you'll come back.
"He agreed that it was too much for one person, and has agreed to see about getting her into a memory care facility. He has already spoke to the Care Coordinator and now that she is in hospital after her incident, the social worker feels they should keep her there until a bed becomes available. Husband is sad and feeling guilty like maybe he should have quit his job and stayed home full time, but I explained to him that he would also find it to be very trying. He was not wanting a part time live in caregiver to be hired into our home, as they are private people. So really this is the only option."
See All Answers